I’m not sure that you’ll respond to my letter, so here goes nothing. Could you drop off a lot of birth control at the kids’ houses this year? For their parents, mostly. There are too many people, as you the elves and the reindeer have surely noticed, and the earth is too small to keep adding more people to it at the rate we do. Maybe you could find stuff with holiday themes, or something, to make it more Chistmas-y.
I know that lots of people ask every year, but do you think we could have peace? I’m not talking about the end of war, but families and neighbors getting through whole days without harsh words, hurt feelings and violent actions. I think that’d make people a whole lot happier in general.
And how about an end to suffering? I mean, can you arrange it so that Al Gore and the other Democrats don’t get into the white house next election? Ok, maybe I’m a wee bit biased.
What about cleaning up the world? You could give every house a recycling bin. A recycling bin full of condoms, yeah that’s it.
And please, please if it’s in your power keep Whitney Houston and Hugh grant from making any more movies. That alone could end a lot of suffering and foster world peace. It’d help the stomach problems of the 37% of Americans who feel ill during the previews, at the very least.
So, that’s what I want for Christmas for the whole world. I won’t ask for anything for myself, out right, but it wouldn’t be terrible if you could somehow arrange my future so I get that novel published and I end up with that (nearly) perfect guy. Oh, and if you find out that Johnny Depp has no place to go for the holidays, don’t hesitate to drop him off at my house during your rounds.
Love,
Shannon
P.S. Are you really related to God like my parents told me?
Dear Santa,
Kit ta Kat has been a good little pussy for alla this year. She doesn't drink from the big porcelain fountain in the powder room like the dawg does. Kit ta Kat not bite the mailman, or the milkman, or the grocery delivery boy. Kit ta Kat does note that she took a tiny taste of the pool boy cause her mama seemed to enjoy him so, and there was that regrettable incident wif the vet; it only took 37 stitches to make him all better, but, Kit ta Kat notes that he oughta be more careful where him puts that old cold thermometer.
Now that we gots pleasantries outta the way, Kit ta Kat get down to business wif Santa. Kit ta Kat wants new collar, purple this time, wif rhinestones allaround it to adorn most graceful neck. Also, Kit ta Kat so playful, she really, really, really think she need extra life or two, she think nine sound like just so arbitrary a number, why not have a dozen lives, or twenty, or unlimited? Kit ta Kat pretty sure big, fat, fast, holly, jolly fellow gots this whole life thingie nailed. Speaking of nailed, Kit ta Kat want a new manicure. Just the other day Kit ta Kat was thinking how nice it would be to have super long acrylic nails that always protrude past end of sheaths wif some gold lines and jewels to make Kit ta Kat loveliest furball on several continents. Speaking of furballs, Kit ta Kat notes she also want new supply of anchovy paste; it helps Kit ta Kat eliminate uncomfortable furballs, sweentens breath, and makes coat shiny. Last of all, Kit ta Kat want new sandbox. She tired of alla this hopping around from sandbox to sandbox to post jobbies.
Sincerely,
Kit ta kat
Dear Santa,
I would like only one thing for christmas this year. Peace on earth. You know an end to all wars and coflicts. No more
blood shed. No more murders. No more diabolical plots to kill
hundreds of people just to make a buck. If by chance you can't
swing that for some reason I'll settle for a red headed woman.
About 5' 9" to 4' 10". Chest isn't that important, but I
wouldn't complain. She doesn't have to be a super model, but
you know. It would be nice if she cared what she looked like,
and did something about it. And if you can't swing that I guess
I'll take the usual 6 pk of underwear, and a tie with some inane
christmasy emblem emblazoned on it. But you know. the red head
would be a nice touch.
Always a good boy...As long as every one says what they are
supposed to...
Frank.
AFORP.
Americans For Pedophilia
Stanley P. Peekwell, President
Dear Santa,
This is to request some XXXmas goodies from you. I've been a very good...boy. Mmmmmm, boyyyy. Perhaps something in the 8-10 year old range. Er, um wine, yeah. And maybe some pretty white cotton panties. I'm...allergic to synthetics. And some good candy, for offering to...er, my dog. Also a cable modem for sending pictures of...my family...to my ...grandma, yeah. And a caller ID block...to keep the feds, I mean, friends...-exfriends,... from getting hold of me.
Thanks Santa!
P.S. How old are the elves? Do they look like kids? Just wondering....S.P.P.
Look Fat Boy,
last year was hardly your crowing achievement so let's try to get it better, shall we? I know you're real excited cause you finally get to come for the year, but darnit, so am I. My beady eyes glisten just as well as any of the kids on my block, my heart pitter patters with glee, and when I sit on your lap you don't have to worry about me leaving a wet spot. Well, OK, that one year, but I was into white beards around that time and got a tad too excited stroking your er...ah......fur.
Like any um, kid, I'd like a new playmate. If he's at least 5'10 and has a tight butt, all the better. I don't like to remind you of your failures Fat Stuff, but my gawd, did you look at last years model? Oh, you did? Well, this time look lower.
Waiting impatiently,
Rainy
Dear Santa Baby,
All I want for Christmas is a good lay.
(I'm spending the holidays in Hawaii.)
Oh, and a good dictionary. My spelling isn't always so good.
Love and Lust,
Way 5th
Dear Mr Claus
So you wanna improve your image I heard.
First off, don't be so cranky if the kids who sit in your lap have a bladder problem. They're kids
Second dye the beard gray and get rid of the red hat and suit and put on some tie dye. Then you will look like Jerry Garcia.
Thirdly, feed the reindeer better. No wonder Rudolph's nose is red. He's not getting enough vitamin C.
Now on to the inevitable wish list.
I could ask for peace on earth and good will toward men. But that's getting old and cliched. It suprises me that you don't start screaming after getting another letter asking for that. Ahh who cares. I'll ask for it anyway. Also bring me that new guitar. As well as some more speakers for the amp. And if you have ebough cashola that ColdFusion web software.
And another phone line for my relatives. Their cousin ties it up all the time going online
And maybe you could make AOL work better.
Well thanks anyway. And this year don't pick up the glass with the milk of magnesia.
Regards
NOSPOL
Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is to pop Martha Stewart hard up side her head. That doesn't make me a bad boy, does it? If so, can I get to pop her this year and we'll call it a bust for the next? And while she's recovering in the hospital, I'd like to visit her and drink milk out of the carton and force feed her Spam on Wonder Bread. I think you'll appreciate this as the selfless act it is.
I'd also like to see Bill Gates tell the federal government that it can kiss his scrawny ass. Oh no, wait. He already did that. OK then, I'd like Bill Gates to kiss my scrawny ass for making me stick up for him and his shitty op sys.
And I'd like peace on earth and peach ice cream for everyone.
Larry
Deer Santy Claws,
I wood lik a speel checker four my compewter.
Thank yew,
MaryAnn Sweetcheeks
Dear Mr. Claus,
This is to advise you that your mailbox has been temporarily put out of service; your regular letter carrier ("Larry") of 120 years expired 11-28-99 during a shoot-out at the Yukon Main P.O. (Larry...um...lost).
Larry's route has been put up for bid and will be awarded to either the senior bidder (bloody likely, mate....who wants to lug 500 lbs. of inane drivel 2,000 miles daily, through snow, reindeer droppings, and elf-harrassment...not to mention the PennySavers™), or assigned to the lowest-scum-of-the-earth-substitute-casual-Xmas-worker on the payroll at 0800 GMT 12-23-99.
We are aware that this minor adjustment may cause you some inconvenience, but we trust that our long relationship with your firm (remember the "Miracle' movie?) will more than compensate for this temporary lapse in delivery standards.
Should you experience any mailing difficulty in the future, kindly refer to our customer service associates at http://www.wwf.china.com/complaints/resolutions.htm
Sincerely,
I.M.Dufuss
Postmaster
p.s. Don't forget San T. Claus...we know where you live
Dear Santa:
I guess you know what a joyous year we have all had. We have tried to be good. We work real hard at being the best doggies ever! We are kind to others and we love everyone.
1. We would like to have one of the Wiggly Giggly thingies to play with.
2. We would each like big bowls of roast beef & gravy, homemade, not the stuff you get from Alpo.
3. We would like more squirrels and bunnies in our exercise yard. Just to chase, not to hurt.
4. We would like to have some little kids come and play ball with us. We miss Nick and Chris. They throw the ball for hours for us.
5. We would like an adopted Grandpa. Our two-legged Grandpa went to heaven and didn't come home. We miss his soft voice and gentle petting.
6. We want peace for everybody. We wish all of the two legged people would enjoy each other while they are here, in this place, at this time. It is a shorter time for us than it is for them. We live every day to its fullest.
Please eat the cookies our Mom will leave for you. We don't have thumbs, so we have to have her help us. Otherwise we would make a wonderful meal for you! Merry Christmas to you and Mrs Claus and the elves and the reindeer.
Love,
Sonja, Logan, & Annie Knarr AKA the Boxer Trio
Dear Sandy Clows,
I want one of those new Techno Bras. Don't let the snow melt on it, okay? It could be quite shocking.
Babbette Bimbo
P.S. Sorry about the Oreos™ being all eaten up, but the ginger cookies are good.
Dear Santa,
The hell with peace on earth, send my friend Blzz a piece, earthy would be nice...
Kazilla
Dear Santa,
I was sitting on my back porch today, watching the leaves blow under the bushes
behind our house. My neighbors have such a nice yard and I would like to do it too. Suddenly it dawned on me that I want a leaf blower for Christmas. Yes, a big ole leaf blower.
Thank you,
Me (Sheknarr)
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