The Dear Elfie Column
Write to Dear Elfie with your problems, both real and imagined, and get advice. Not good advice, but advice none the less.
Dear Elfie's Letters
Dear Elfie,
Why did you read a book of ghost stories right before bed? Now you're over-tired, and also afraid to look in the mirror in case there's something else in the reflection. You're never going to get to sleep. Shouldn't you know better than this by now?
Sincerely,
Confused Elfie
Dear Confused Elfie,
I don't have to answer that. Why are you writing to yourself? Ha!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Is it wrong I'm so happy about PGs closing?
http://pub44.ezboard.com/fihjhav...1193.topic
- Happy IHJer
Dear Happy IHJer,
It's not wrong to be happy that Fat Girls is closing. It would be wrong, however, to start several threads over there saying that IHJH people are glad, and not to come here instead because they're not welcome. But no one would do that, right?
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Im 56..i wanna loose my virginity
but i dont wanna get pregnant, i got told
or my Mum to find out
but i just have these urges...
what should i do?
unsatisfied PGer
Dear unsatisfied PGer,
Given your advanced age, I don't think you have to worry about becoming pregnant. If you want to lose your viginity, I suggest you find a cyber-geek online, you know a guy who lists "going to star trek conventions" under hobbies in his profile, to start a romance with, as he's likely so desperate for female contact that he'll sleep with you despite what you look like. I'm also willing to bet mom is terribly old as well,right? Tell her you're volunteering to help shut-ins when you visit your lover. It will pratically be true, anyway. Have fun!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
My brother is an asshole. I've had to throw him out of my place TWO times this week - and it's only Monday! Now, I'm not looking for advice on how to make him behave better, 'cause he's thirteen and a blob of hormones, so talking will get me nowhere. I just want to know how to make him go away and stop bothering me.
Goddess Johanna
Dear Goddess Johanna,
While sibling relationships are something that takes a life time to develop, here's a quick fix to your problem. Whenever your brother is being especially beastly, call for your mom or any other handy female. Tell her that you want to talk about cramp remedies. If there aren't any girls around, just bitch to him about how awful your periods are. He'll be gone before you can say "pms." Works every time.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why do guys flirt with you all the time but never ask you out? Is it just some weird defect that they have? And if so, how do you change it?
Sick of stupid boys
Dear Sick of Stupid Boys,
I wish I could answer your question. If I knew, I'd be happier too. So far as I can tell boys/guys will flirt with anyone one they can stand being in the same room as. Sort of like cats will rub up against anyone they think they've got a chance of conning food out of. If I was you, I'd take every thing they say with a grain (or shaker) of salt up until the point they say in no uncertain terms that they like you. Silly males.
Love,
Elfie
Dear elfie,
My gum loses its flavor after only about 30 minutes - an hour if I'm lucky. I cannot afford to be buying packs and packs of gum, especially when my friends all seem to think of me as a gum factory when they see a piece. What should I do?
Tasting nothing
Dear Tasting Nothing,
For some reason, freezing gum restores some of its flavor. As for your friends, offer them gum you already chewed, after a couple of times, they won't ask you again.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I have a problem. Well, actually my friend has a problem. You see, my friend wants to fly. Every 16th Tuesday she jumps out of her bedroom window. She always falls and hurts herself. So far she's broken her leg 20 times and her arm 13, she's also shattered her jaw and fractured 9 fingers. How can I stop this odd behavior?
Always,
Feather Brained Friend
Dear Feather Brained Friend,
Your friend obviously thinks that she is a bird. You have to do what any caring friend would do- sit her down and gently break the news to her, she is a penguin. Encourage her to take up swimming lessons instead, so she can feel comfortable with her newly realized identity.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I have PMS. i need chocolate, coffee and ciggarettes... i have none of the above.. can you help me out?
Dont @#%$ with me i have PMS
Dear dont @#%$ with me i have PMS,
To make yourself feel better, you should kidnap the next person who refuses to give you what you need. Ransom him/her to their parents for 3 boxes of Russel Stover chocolates and a dozen donuts. I think I'll try ransoming my brother, I have PMS too. I'll let you know if it works.
Love,
Elfie
* Peace In *
To dearest Elfie,
Like , hi. My most Favouritiest Board in the WHOLE wide world ( no ... wait ... make that UNIVERSE) is closing down.
I am so bummed. *sigh* Now I can't talk about how I plan to lose my virginity to all 5 of the N*SYNC boys at at the
exact same time *really really phat
Jask - oh my gosh - I was gonna ask THE exact same thing ! I have "gum issues" too !
Also elfie (is that like , your real name or something ?
are u really short ?) thank u sooooooooo much 4 ur advice.
It's like soooooo phat
*Peace out*
"Dear" *Peace out,*
I don't understand why you fat girls are so upset, "it's only a message board". ( Fat comments about how we should "get over" IHJ closing http://www.phatgirls.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/000381.html )Sound familiar? Karma bite you in the ass, so don't forget the neosporine. You're barking up the wrong tree if you're looking for a shoulder to cry on.
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
My mom is being a bitch. My best friend is being a bitch. MSN is being a bitch. Why is life such a bitch?
Pissed IHJer
Pissed IHJer,
If life hands you bitches, create a sled-dog team. Then you can say Iditarod, which is a really fun word. Also, avoid people, then they won't bring you down.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I am always sick. I always have a stomach ache. *barfs*
Ok, thats not the problem...lol...
Im bored...have any advice?
*jack*
Dear Jack,
Try Malox quick-disolve tabs. As for being bored, why don't you try wandering over here http://pub45.ezboard.com/binteractivestories18786 for a little while? Sure-fire boredom cure!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I bumped into one of my ex boyfriend's best friend Terry in Birmingham earlier today. They're both seniors, and I heard them talking about how they want to get with me. Then later today Eben called to tell him that Terry was talking about how he wanted to put dollar bills in my underwear. I'm really freaked, now that I just remembered that sophmores and seniors have free periods and lunch together. But then again, what am I worrying about? Terry's a hottie. Gee, thanks, Elfie, you've solved all my problems without even saying anything!
From,
Boys Are Scary Perverts
Boys Are Scary Perverts,
Glad to be of help!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elife,
Today me and muh cousin Billy Jo Joey Blow-blow Jackson just got married today. The weddin' was beautiful and all, but I just can't stop thinkin' 'bout my brother Billy Jo Blue. he's so incredible wuth his yellow buck teeth, beaten up red tractor ... what should I do ?
Sue May Jo-jo louise
Dear Sue May Jo-Jo Louise,
You ought to move a little further North, then you can date outside your family. It may seem strange at first, but your future children will thank you for it.
Love,
Elfie
ps. non-redneck southerns forgive me...
Dear Elfie,
i have guy issues...there are two of them ...one is so adorable and fun but a serious risk of heartbreak and currently not in a commiting mood, i guess, who the f--- knows....the other is also really cute and fun and sweet but older and a work "friend" and the prob is i really feel like i should like the second and maybe something really healthy and great could come of it but i can't let go of the first one and if they were both standing in front of me offering the same thing i would choose number one but they are not....help
grr at boys (again)
Dear grr at boys (again),
Let me tell you a little story. Back in the old days (nigh on 6 years ago, lordy!) there was this guy named Chris that we nicknamed Casper- the friendly flirt. It was fun, because we all flirted harmlessly with him, and teased him about his freshman groupies. Then Michelle started dating him. We didn't mind, but she was suddenly jealous every time any girl talked to him, given his flirtatious history. It made her miserable. Think about that before deciding on Mr. not-ready-to-commit. You'll have to make up your own mind, so do it carefully!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie:
Im feeling lonely here. I have no friends, I try to be nice all the time in here (IHJ) and in PN but sometimes it doesn't work. It's like I don't even exist. I hope at least they insult me or something but all most no one wants to be my friend. Is it because I'm chilean??
**lonely desesperatly foreign**
searching for friends....
Dear searching for friends,
To get noticed, you have to do one of the following things
1. Pick a fight with someone well liked, like Rach or Johanna.
2. Turn every thread into a discussion about you
3. Start a thread or 4 that interests people. (Dawson vs a Melon, and Andie vs a Rabid Wolverine worked for me! Damn Wayne for Deleting old threads!)
All three will work, but the third is the best option if you're looking for positive attention.
Love,
Elfie
Thanks Elfie
Heres another problem...
One of my best friends is always bragging about how all these guys like her. She's always saying stuff like "Well this girl doesn't like me because Brian really likes me, and she likes him. Oh and did I show you that picture Kyle, the guy thats totally obsessed with me gave me?" It just goes on, and on....
It really bugs me, and I've tried bringing it up before but it just doesn't work. Any suggestions?
Confused friend
Dear Confused Friend,
I have a friend like yours. We tease her about her "harem." The thing is though, all these guys who "like her" etc never end up asking her out...just be thankful you don't have such delusions of granduer yourself. And if you want to shut her up on the topic for a while, just say " (insert name here) Guys aren't pokemon, you know. You don't have to collect them all." It shut my friend up, anyway.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie -
Nobody is home and I'm really paranoid. Every little noise makes me jump. What should I do?
Paranoid Person
ps. I swear I just saw someone in the hallway... but nobody is there now.
Dear Paranoid Person,
Don't take a shower. What you should do those is to take your stuffed clown and shut in into the downstairs closet, since it probably can't open doors by itself. What? Oh, I mean you should find a heavy object to keep handy in case you need to defend yourself, and lock your door if it has a lock. Don't read any ghost stories, either.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I was watching a movie and she was gonna do the dirty stuff w/a guy!! OMG..and then she goes "Well, we can do this some other time, when you are up for the occasion.."
How is she going to get him up for the occasion??
*laughs like a crazy person trying to hit an Elfie sore spot*
*jack*
Dear *jack*
She'll probably do a strip tease or fondle him. What did you think she meant?
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Is it true that all the good guys are taken? Because I'm starting to think it is...
-Umm...me
DearUmm...me,
No, not all the good ones are gone. Most of those who are left (and prefer girls) fall into one of three catogories. a. The good ones you don't know yet. Could be the guy playing guitar at the coffee house you've yet to visit, one who'll be in your next class, someone you'll bump into in a store, etc.
b. The good ones who are shy. These are the ones who know they are good- girls have been telling them that their whole lives.
c. The good ones who have had their hearts severely broken, possibly beyond repair.
Obviously, with the a group all you need to do is be open to meeting new people. With the b group you should be careful not to be yet another girl telling them how "nice" they are. All that will do is convince the guy that you're yet another girl who only sees him as friend material. Since he might be too shy to make a move, so flirt with him if you're interested. Casually drop the word "handcuffs" (like "have you seen the necklace charm shaped like a pair of handcuffs?") into a conversation to get his attention.
And the c group...it's possible you could be the one this guy responses to positively, and he'll return your affection. Not likely, though. Having been abused by someone who had at his ego and left it in shreds, he's more likely to deny he has feelings rather than admit he has them and risk getting hurt again. Whether or not you try to see anything comes from a relationship with this guy or not probably depends on how brave and patient you are.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Both my favourite rugby teams lost this weekend. This depresses me. And it depresses me further that I'm such a sports freak that trivial things like the outcomes of unimportant rugby games depress me. What should I do?
Bored
Dear Bored,
I know how you feel, my hockey team didn't make it to the final four this year. All you can do is tell yourself it's only a game, and there's always next week, or next season in my case. Talking trash about the other teams to like minded people helps too.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Me and my toy boy are experiencing difficulties -
My boyfriend won't have sex with me !
He loves listening to the backstreet boys, Jack from Dawson's Creek, spiking his hair and anal sex.
What should I do ?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
There's more than one posiblity here. The first could be that your boyfriend has taken a vow to remain chaste until marriage. His idolization of the Backstreet Boys and Jack just might mean he's looking for role models who also aren't sleeping with girls. Males obsess about sex of all kinds, so the whole anal sex thing could be nothing to worry about. On the other hand...what if he's a girl that was raised as a boy? If so, he might be getting in touch with his true gender. Rent Boys Don't Cry, and if he seems to relate to it, I'd worry. Good luck!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I hate a great number of teachers at my school.
What would be the best way too get rid of them, without breaking the law ?
Teen who if had a gun would kill their english teacher right now.......
Dear Teen,
I don't advocate school violence. What you and other disgruntal students should do instead is to embark on a campaign to slowly drive your teachers off the deep end. It's a tried and true method of revenge. You wouldn't believe how many of the teachers who taught at my high school quit by the end of my senior year.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
There's this guy at my school who is hitting on me. I don't want a relationship, or ever a fling right now. How should I tell him to go away without hurting his fragile ego and have to deal with "whiny rejected guy"?
Goddess Johanna.
Dear Godess Johanna,
If he talks about dating, sigh theatrically, and tell him that you're not allowed to date until college. If he asks why, counter by asking him if he knew your older sister Debbie. When he says no, say "Oh yeah, she broke dad's rule before you met me. I miss her." Refuse to say anything else on the subject.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I am worried about my friend Fransisco. He is one of the voices in my head and he is a 15th-century Italian leper. Lately he's seemed down, and I'd like him to speak with Vanessa, another voice in my head who is a great therapist. Problem is, Fransisco doesn't believe in therapy. What should I do? Please help me.
Thanks,
Unique
Dear Unique,
Before Fransisco can go into therapy, he has to admit that there's a problem. I'd suggest you sit down somewhere quiet so you can talk to him man to voice in man's head, and voice your concerns about his state of mind. If he won't hear reason, remind him that he's living rent-free in your head, so he has to be a good tenent, or you'll take the little blue pills that will evict him. Hopefully things will work out without you having to take drastic measures.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Who do you turn to for advice?
Scottish
Dear Scottish,
I usually hit my best friends up for advice, some times my parents if it's something they know more about. If they don't know what to do, I know so many people that someone is bound to know what to do! Now, if I can only figure out who to ask for advice on writing a manuscript coverletter...
Love,
Elfie
*Dear Elfie,
I have this um, friend, her name is, um, PheeMc, and um, she's a member of this bord called, um, JHI, and um, there's this person there who gives advice named, um, Felfie, and see my friend PheeMc is in love with this Felfie person but doesn't know how to tell her? What should I, I mean my um, friend, do?
Sincerely,
*McPhee*, I mean, PheeMc*
Dear PheeMc's Friend,
While I'm sure that this Felfie person would probably be flattered that your friend admires him/her, your friend should keep in mind that people on the internet may not be exactly what they seem in print. The best rule of thumb is to love your internet buddies, but not to forget the joys of spending time with real people too. Remember, you can only turn a squirt gun on someone in real life.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I did what you said and Fransisco refused to listen, so I took the little pills and evicted them all, but now I am lonely. The little leprauchans that live inside my fingernails aren't very lively or interesting.
Also, I am worried that Fransisco has a drug problem and that he will only get worse without me.
Please help me!
Unique (again)
Dear Unique (again),
I think that it might be time for you, Fransisco and leprauchans to attend group therapy. I know, Fransisco won't go. So, trick him. Tell him that you need his help to bring the leprachans to the vet, then drag him inside the doctor's office. If you call ahead, the doctor might even cover up the sign on the building to help with your plot.It may not work, but you'll have a story to tell for years to come.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!!!
--Accident Prone
3rd party comment: Damn, that was your baby? I gave it to a troll. My bad...
Dear Accident Prone,
You should call the bus company right away, the baby is probably in the lost and found there. Trolls have little interest in babies, anyway. Do be quick about it, I heard things left in the lost n' found for more than a week are commonly auctioned off on ebay.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I'm late for class. What should I do?
Not So Studious Student
Dear Not So Studious Student,
Try not to let it happen again. You think it's not important now, but when you have a real (ie a full time job to support yourself) you'll be quick to realize that being habitiually late makes a worse impression with your employer than anything else, except showing up drunk or exposing yourself. Tomorrow, keep a better eye on the time.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I just killed three people for basically no reason other then the fact that I just felt like it. Was this wrong?
Gun Pointed At You Now
Dear Gun Pointed At You Now,
Put that thing down, would you? Yes, killing is wrong. If you don't kill anyone else, I won't tell anyone. But take out your agression some other way from now on. Vandalize mini-vans or something.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie
I have am major ordeal! See, I want Blake to father ten kids with me but I also want to marry Sophie! What should I do? How should I approach them and get them to agree to my little, um, arrangement?
Currently Menage' One
Dear Currently Menage' One,
Well, you can try approaching them, but look how that worked in Chasing Amy. The thing with people is, unless they're old-time Mormons, they like to know you're their one and only. You may have to make a choice- Blake and ten babies, or Sophie and adoption...
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie
What is love?
Like or Like-Like or Love
Dear Like or Like-Like or Love,
Love is a transitive verb, an intransitive verb and a noun.
Websters says:
verb transitive
First appeared before 12th Century
1 : to hold dear : CHERISH
2 a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for
b (1) : CARESS
(2) : to fondle amorously
(3) : to copulate with
3 : to like or desire actively : take pleasure in
4 : to thrive in
verb intransitive
: to feel affection or experience desire
love [1] (noun)
[Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English leof dear, Latin lubere, libere to please]
First appeared before 12th Century
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <~ for his old schoolmates>
b : an assurance of love
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <~ of the sea>
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment
(2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as
(1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
(2) : brotherly concern for others
b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR
7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized, Christian Science : GOD
-- at love
: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
-- in love
: inspired by affection
But, if you want my personal definition, I'd have to say it was a strong emotion that is signified by your attachment to something, usually a living thing, but not always- I love music, too.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie
Why is the sky blue?
Color Blonde
Dear Color Blonde,
The sky is blue because the Smurfs were not an actual animal, but a form of chlorofluorocarbon, which all drifted skyward by 1990. Besides damaging the ozone layer, they've also changed the color of the sky from clear to blue.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie
Where do babies come from?
Doubting The Stork
Dear Doubting The Stork,
Detroit. They manufacture them at the old Crystler plants.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Leann Rimes said on the radio that she needed me like water, like breath, like rain.
I sent her several letters telling her how much I love her and how we should be together forever, but got no reply! Does this mean she's breaking up with me?
A Fan
Dear Fan,
Say good-bye to bad rubbish. She was telling the same crap to several thousand people, and I don't think she meant a word of it. You should turn your devotion to someone who deserves you, like Beth Orton. I think "stolen car" was about you, actually.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Whats the best way to get rid of a prying, sighing, praying mother? I tried ratpoison but that didn't work...neither did accidental hanging, or bumping off a cliff for that matter...
Whats the best way to get a dirty song that's stuck in your head out?
-Wasted time, talent, and treasure
Dear Wasted time...,
I wish to God I knew. Mine's the noisest person I know...hide in your room a lot until you're old enough( and can afford to) move out.
The best way to get the dirty song out of your head is to get another one stuck in your head. Only one at a time can fit.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why are there two L's in the word Llama?
Sincerely,
I have no life
Dear I have no life,
The word Llama has two ll's because it's of spanish origin. In Spanish the word is pronounce "yama" since all ll words are pronounced with a "y" sound. God only knows why we kept the orginal spelling, since we had no problem with changing other spanish spellings, like Mexico, for example is Mejico in Spanish...
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why is Debelah Morgan screaming so loud? She's scaring me!
Frightened
Dear Frightened,
Stop stepping on her foot! Stop stepping on her foot!
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why are killer goldfishes that live out of water, attacking me? And why is there a hippopotamus on my roof eating cake?
sincerely
fish food and cake cocktail
Dear Fish food...
Look closer, those aren't dry land fish, they are actually small dogs- pomeranians. They look quite a bit like goldfish though, especially to people who have been drinking. The best thing to do is to carry a rolled up news paper to defend yourself with. As for the hippo, please call the police and the zoo, there's been a report of an escaped hippo rampaging and stealing baked goods. There might be a reward in it for you.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why won't Jennifer Love Hewitt ever go away? Make her go away!!!
Anon.
Dear anon,
JLH won't go away until there are no men in the world talking about her breasts. It gives her power! Did you know she's playing the Devil in The Devil and Daniel Webster? It's true! Anyway, compell all the men you know not to think of her chest, and she'll soon use up her 15 minutes of fame- she's already proven that she can't carry a series, with your help she'll never get another one.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
I have no life. Could you recommend a good online store where I could buy one?
Love
Sick of being lifeless
Dear Sick of Being Lifeless,
Well, You could try going here( http://www.nyx.net/~dnadams/gal.html) there seems to be cryptic help info here.
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--Perfectly Sane
Dear Perfectly Sane,
Was it something I said?
Love,
Elfie
Dear Elfie,
Why does pink call herself "Pink"?
Dumbass.
P.S. Why in coyoye ugly did they call her Jersey ?
Did she like to wear them ? cause i only saw lots of leather.
Dear Dumbass,
Pink is like me, she sunburns easily. They call her Pink after the time she got a bad burn on her ass sunbathing nude. As for Jersy, she likes those sheets that are supposed to be made of t-shirt material. I think she tired up the guy with the accent with them in the director's cut of the movie.
Love,
Elfie
Elfers,
My friend Jynna & I are stalking this guy named Mark. He is interested in my other friend,Kim, so he is mean to us! How can I stop his meanness and make my friend Kim go away? Jynna and I just wanna be friends....
Love,
The Rescue Ranger outside your window
Dear Rescue Ranger,
Stalking is bad. My ex-roomie stalked hockey players. They thought she was a psycho. Besides, if he's mean to you, he's probably going to grow up to be a wife-beater, so why waste your time on a loser like that? You can make your "friend" go away by showing her your post. Why do young people insist on calling people they know but don't like friends? If you'd like them to leave, they're not your friend.
Love,
Elfie
Do you need advice? Are you truely deperate for someone to say something that somewhat relates to something you said first? Then write Dear Elfie at elfkin477@aol.com. Please put "Dear Elfie" as the subject heading so I know that it's not spam.
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