As a child I thought that I could die for you.

They told me your son died for me,

So it seemed only right.

What a wry thought today.

I can't understand why you let them

Let them bind me with your laws.

I believed them implicitly to be bearers

Of your word, that they were instructing me

To do what you wanted, demanded, of me.

If I put my cross on again,

And prayed again every night,

Read that book with belief,

Would you come back?

Yes, I made the cross a talisman,

The prayers an insurance policy,

Your book a novel,

But do you blame me?

I think you stopped listening to me,

But I never doubted that you were there.

The indifference! That cut me down.

I'm not brave enough to be an atheist.

I can't even let go of those lessons,

Those well meaning, but awful tricks

They played on me.

I say I reject them, but that's all that's allowed,

I can't ever act against them.

Convictions, or chains, either way I'm immobile.

The feather-light voice that warns against

Damnation is mine, not yours.

You don't even care that I've played by your rules,

Or what it has cost me.

I am so lost, yet you've said nothing.

How can a father not reassure his child?

All I've ever sought was approval,

And yours is supposed to count the most.

I feel like screaming into the empty sky

What do you want from me?

What am I supposed to do?

Why have you left me so defenseless against a rabid world?

Why do I always feel so cold?

But I don't.

I don't know if I fear an answer or your indifference more.

-srw

4/17/99