Welcome to the not so wonderful life of
Harry Hiscock. Harry is a lawyer. His last name is Hiscock. Hilarity ensues.
Simple enough, non? Well..not really. You know how you watch the credits
to a movie, and there's that disclaimer saying "Any resemblance to any
persons, dead or living, is purely coincidental. Well..that's not what
happens here. You see, poor old Harry is a character spawned from a real
person. If you're unfortunate to enough to be driving through Barrhaven,
and you see the Barrhaven mall..stop. And take a look at the offices of
a certain law firm that shall remain nameless. Beleive it or not, that's
all it took to get us on our way. Initially, PauloBellem saw the sign, and mentioned it to myself & Junior Barnes. We started laughing about it, and nearly got ourselves killed while driving. Soon, we sucked my buddy Gavin into the madness, and now, it's just spun beyond our control. Below, we've compiled the entire saga of poor old Harry H. Hiscock (as written in e-mail threads). It's still growing. One day, we might even make it into a comic script a la "Milk & Cheese"..except better. If you want to add a story of your own, click
here. This isn't pretty. Don't read it expecting high art. But, we hope you enjoy it.
(By Junior)
HARRY HISCOCK, attorney at law.
HH: Isn't it true Mrs. vane that you were having extra-marital affairs with the plaintiff.
Lawyer: Objection you honour...
Judge: What grounds mister Noahfence?
Lawyer: Hiscock is leading the witness.
Judge: Sustained. Mrs. Vane, you don't have to answer Hiscock's question.
Tune in for the next exiting episode of HARRY HISCOCK, attorney at law. Same time...same channel. Until then, I'm Dick Stiffee good night everyone. [Cue porn music]
(by Gurbir)
HH : Mrs. Vane, where were you on the night of the 23rd of May, 1998?
Mrs. Vane : I was at my sister's house..
HH (turns quickly and stares at Mrs. Vane,
accidentally knocking ove the Crown prosecutor's glass of water):
Then why are there 3 witnesses that saw you at the plaintiff's house...
Lawyer : Your honour, I move for a fifteen minute recess...My pants are all wet, and it's Hiscock's fault.
(by Paulo)
Mrs. Vane's daughter has just been caught in school punching a boy.
principal: do you know why your here.
girl: Yah, I beat the snot out of that boy.
P: Now why did you do that
G: Because he kissed me.
P: Do you have a lawyer.
G: No but my mama does.
P: And what if that little boy decides to sue you would she mind lending you him.
G: I don't know maybe.
P: So you don't mind if I call her and ask her about this.
G: Sure, shes probably with Hiscock right now.
P: What!? how dare you say such things.
G: What????!!! It'll be perfect, you can a HOLD of them both with one call.
(by Gurbir)
Secretary: Harry Hiscock's office...
Principal : Uh..hi..is Hiscock there? (or alternativley..Can I talk to
Hiscock..or Can you put Hiscock on the phone? or Is Hiscock in?)
Secretary : I'm sorry sir, Hiscock can't come right now..Hiscock has been on a long vacation and is busy getting debriefed on an important case. If you want to leave a message, I can have Hiscock contact you as soon as possible...
Principal : Yeah right man...I know Hiscock is there, and I want Hiscock now!!
(by Gavin)
O.K. It's lunch time and the secretary and Hiscock have gone out for lunch.
In walk the jealous boyfriend (J.B) of the secretary (some cute hottie) to find the subsitute secretary (S.S) tending the booth.
J.B: Excuse me but can you tell me where my girlfriend is? We were suppose to meet for lunch.
S.S: I'm sorry, she's have a private lunch with Hiscock (she then does a head nod towards the closed office door).
J.B: (only knows that his girlfriends boss's name is Harry) What!
S.S: Yes, she realy does enjoy Hiscock's company. She is such a lonely girl at lunch. I often see her in the caf or across the street looking rather lonely. However, when Hiscock shows up, her eyes just grow so wide and her mouth drops open with excitement.
J.B: (I'll be back (then turns and storms out of the office).
(by Gurbir)
O.K..the boyfriend comes back ..
JB : Is she back yet?
SS : No..she called and she wouldn't be back, because will she was having lunch, Hiscock started blowing chunks. She's taking Hiscock to get looked at by a doctor. Apparently, Hiscock turned purple, and went all limp.
JB : All right...to hell with her. How about you? You single?
SS : Why yes...
JB : You want to go for lunch?
SS: I'd love to...
JB : My name is Joe..Joe Rednuts...
SS: I'm Sheryl...Sheryl Assride.
(by Paulo)
Later on the "lunch" date.
JB: So how long have you worked at the law firm
SS: Oh about 4 months
JB: How do you like it.
SS: Its pretty good. Hiscock is pretty firm at times, but he is really good and always puts a smile on our faces by the end of the day.
JB: What the hell?! This guy need a good beating.
SS: Oh no, He is a real nice guy. He has a lot of briefings and sometimes gets a bit stressed and takes it out on us.
JB: Alright enough of this. If my girlfriend is having lunch with him, then its time for you to have lunch with Mycock.
SS: I thought your name was Rednuts.
JB: It is so start munching.
(In a moment of passion they look into each others eyes and start kissing as a group of kids from St. Patricks Elementary School in Barhaven are looking on and laughing)
(by Paulo)
Last time we left, Hiscock had gone
out to lunch with Joe Rednuts girlfriend Susie Shear. So hearing
this Joe went to lunch with the
substitute secretary Sheryl Assride.
Now wanting to confront Harry about his girlfriend Joe asks Harry to a game of Pool.Joe still does not know Harry's last name.(JR formally known as JB=jealous boyfriend)
JR: So you go to lunch with Susie all the time
HH: Only when I have time. You know I am a busy man.
JR: I so I heard. (harry sinks JR: balls.) Dam you Harry, stop putting my balls together. Next time I put the balls in the triangle.
HH: Man it's been a while for you hasn't it.
Jr: Excuse me. I just had it with your substitute secretary
HH: You are a despicable man, cheating on poor Susie.
Jr: Despicable, your the one having lunch with my girlfriend all the time.
HH: It's only lunch.
JR: Oh yah. Sheryl told me all about it. All she said is, she's having lunch with Hiscock, Hiscock is a bit firm but always puts a smile on our faces by the end of the day. And then when you were late, she told me how Hiscock got sick and went all limp so you guys were going to stay a bit late.
At hearing this Hiscock starts laughing so hard that he can't see Joe winding up with the pool cue right into the family jewels.
Next episode at the Hospital.
(by Junior)
The Saga Continues at the Hospital.
After a little Misadventure at the pool
hall involving Harry Hiscocks cajones and the business end of a pool stick,
Harry stumbles to the
hospital (which happens to be right next
door convenient huh). So we continue his adventure at the admittance
desk at vladimir sukmiov
memorial hospital emergency...
HH: (Stumbles into the hospital with
his hands over his crotch)
Someone please help me.
Nurse: Please have a seat and fill out these forms.
Doctor: Hello Mr.?
HH: Hiscock!
Doc: Pardon!!
HH: That's my name doctor, Harry Hiscock.
Doc: OOOOHH; His-COCK. What seems to be the problem?
HH: My nuts.
Doc: I thougth your name was Hiscock?
HH: No dumb ass I got hit in the nuts with a pool stick.
Doc: Good god man why didn't you say so...Nurse get Hiscock to the O.R.Quickly before he spews.
Nurse: Doctor! vladimir sukmiov memorial hospital is a place of healing not a Bordello.
Doc: Really! Have you seen the rest of the nurses?
Ruckus ensues, somehow a stethescope gets shoved up the poor doctors ass. Meanwhile Hiscock becomes more and more pale and limp.
(by Gavin)
Back at the hospital.
Nurse2: What happend here?
Nurse1: Dr Handson was tending to Hiscock
and I stuck a stethescope up his ass
(lets not do this ever again).
Nurse2: Lets get them both to the emergency room then.
Emergemcy room!
Surgeon: Who do we have here?
Assitant: Handson, Hiscock.
Surgeon: Dammit! Not now! You remebered what happened the last time we did that. The nurses threatened to go on strike.
Assistant: Thats not what I meant but I am turned on now.
HH: Look, I don't give a rat's ass.
I just want to get my groin looked!
(realizing what has just been said HH
changes his mind). On second thought I'm leaving.
As HH starts to leav, he goes limp again.
Surgeon: <
The surgeon and the assitant turn there attention to Dr. Handson when nurse Bigons (NB) arrives.
NB: What are you two doing whit Handson' ass. And why is there a stethescope sticking out of his ass. You two were warned. We're going on strike.
See the next e-mail to find out if Hiscock
will ever get serviced, Handons
will get the stetescope removed from his
ass, and if the nurses will strike.
(by Gurbir)
There is a meeting to discuss the strike...
Nurse Komoniwanalya : We're here to discuss whether the actions that occured recently at vladimir sukmiov memorial hospital emergency room warrant a strike...at this time, I'd like to have everyone to welcome Biguns up to the podium, and tell you what happened.
Biguns: Thanks Komoniwanlaya..
stray voice from the audience: Do that in private after the meeting...
Dick the male nurse : Hey..quiet..I wanna see Biguns!!!
Komoniwanalaya : Quiet everyone..and I'm not taking any of your shit, Dick...
(sound of wretching is heard...)
Biguns : Anyway, I was at the hospital, and Dr. Hanson was making the most unreasonable demands...he wanted me to take Hiscock's temperature, check Hiscock's blood pressure, pump Hiscock's stomach, give Hiscock a sponge bath...it was always Hiscock this and hiscock that...It got so that every time I looked at his cock, I felt like puking..it didn't help that Hiscock was all purple, and couldn't stay straigh for more than a minute without going limp, and leaking everywhere.,,,
Dick the male nurse : That's awful...I would never touch Hiscock...
Nurse rubmybutt : Sure ...I know exactly where Dick is coming from...let's strike!!
Komoniwanalaya : I agree...I'm gonna go
down with Dick and tell the hospital management exactly that...!!!
(by Junior)
The Adventures of Harry Hiscock: Keep your medicine out of my law.
Nurse Komoniwanalaya (NK) and Nurse Dick (ND) are on their way down to see management to let them know that the hospital staff are going on strike. Joe Asskisser (JA), the head manager, is on the phone as they arrive.
JA: ...Yes I understand. No I don't like it but I understand.
ND: Joe, we have to talk.
JA: Not now DICK, HEAD... office is on the phone.
NK: This is important, the hospital staff is going on STRIKE!
JA: Komoniwanalaya!
NK: And comments like that strengthens our resolve.
JA: Shit! First a class action suit
for negilgence from Hiscock and now the staff is going on strike.
Komoniwanalaya, take your Dick and get the hell out of my office before
I kill someone.
BC: Okay but i'm keeping my clothes on...
Next episode: Nurse K and Dick bring the strike to HEAD... I mean a head.
(by Paulo)
The Saga continues.
Nurse Kumoniwanalaya and Nurse Dick are at Head office talking to the Head of the Hospital Association.
HEAD: Welcome Nurse Kumoniwanalaya
with Dick.
(the crowd murmurs)
NK: thank you Head. Dick and I are bringing the head office to par why we are striking. Neither Dick nor I no Hiscock, but our fellow nurse Biguns was there and told us that when she entered the surgery room, the surgeon Dr. Sal Adtosser and his assistant Jel Orsyrup were with Handson's ass, and they told her to take care of Hiscock because he was all limp and spewing. The Doctors had been warned about this sort of thing so she called a meeting with Sukmiov staff and we all decided to strike. We went to management but he told us to get out because he had a lawsuit to deal with Hiscock. So this is why we are telling Head, Sukmiov Nurses are going on strike.
HEAD: Thank you. We will discuss that situation and try to reach a compromise. You can go now. We will call you when we reach a decision.
Next episode. Head office tries to
find out compensation packages for the Nurses to come(hint, hint) back
to work.
(by Gavin)
Last episode: The nurses have laid there depands on HEAD at Sukimov. Hiscock is at home still feeling pretty limp but still spewing.
Home of Hiscock!
HH: Yes, who's there?
SS: It's me. Susie Shear. ... sob sob.
HH: (opens door) What happend? Why are you crying?
SS: I heard what happended at the pool hall. They guys at the office are calling it Hiscock vs. Rednuts and I don't know which one to pick. I care so much for both. I only wish there was some way of putting that spring back in your step. And now I hear about Rednuts and Assride and it makes me feel so sad. But then I think about you Hiscock and it brittens up my day. You just make everything go away and then I can only think about you Hiscock.
HH: Well please come in so we can talk. The last 24 hours has been rather hectic dealing with nurse Biguns, Handson, Dick, and the rest at Sukimov.
(door closes and scene fads to black)
(by Gurbir)
HH is in court filing some papers concerning
his lawsuit against Sukmiov Hopsital, and is talking to a clerk. The clerk
is distracted by her
magazine...(conversation is not Hiscock's
forte..)
HH : ...yeah, so then I went all purple and limp..the nurse came and looked at me...and get this..her name is Kominwanalaya..can you imagine walking around with that as a name...
Clerk Wethore : Hmm..what was that...
HH : I said Kominwanalaya...
W : I beg your pardon!!
HH : Oh..sorry..I didn't know you could smell that last one...
W : What are you talking about.
HH
He gets a papercut from the papers, so Wethore gives him a bandaid...
As he leaves, Assistant Clerk Liknuts walks in...
L : What's with this blood on the carpet...
W (gone back to the magazine): Oh..(gestures towards door)...Hiscock got a papercut so I had to do some quick bandaging...
L: Uh..O.K..(thinks to herself :I'm going to like working here....)
(by Gurbir)
HH has just finished telling SS about the events of his day...
HH : ...and then, I got the paper cut , and left. Wethore was very good about it...
HH : Hiscock speaking...
Rednuts : That's not funny, you dirty little bastard...
HH : What do you want, no nuts?
Rednuts : Stop it!! You're just making me angrier!!
HH : Yeah..well, you can tuck it, you can buck it, and you can SUCK IT!!
Rednuts : All right, you punk..your ass belongs to Rednuts!!
HH : Yeah?? Well your ass belongs to Hiscock, and he's gonna make you SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!!
Rednuts: Blow me, Hiscock!!
SS: What was that all about?
HH : Rednuts wanted to get in my face again...I told him that it was Hiscock time, and that I was to legit 2 quit!!
SS : Oh Hiscock..you're so big and strong..and stiff...
HH : Was that a joke..?
SS: No..(looking down)...it means that you're pitching a tent...
HH : Well...you feel like camping for the night...
HH pulls away for a second...
HH : You know what I have to do?
SS: Oh Hiscock!!
HH : That's right...it's Hiscock vs. Rednuts
II : The right to Shear Suzy...and believe me, Hiscock is gonna pound Rednuts
into the
ground...(goes back to making out...)
(by Gavin)
Hiscok at the court house!
With the events over the last couple of days, Hiscock was finally feeling strong and verticle again with the help of SS. So, with new found energy, Hiscock returned to the courthouse to handle The People vs. Mrs. Spankme.
HH: You honour, I am hear today to prove to you, as well as to you the jury, that my client Mrs. Spankme is absoulutely, positively innocent of murdering her husband. This has been a rather troubling time for my client which has only lead to more physical and emotional suffering.
Prosecutor: You Honour, Jury, this man was stabed 24 times with a cooking knife in his own home and there are no forcable signs of entry to the Spankme house. I will attempt to show that Mrs. Spankme did in fact kill her husband after having several affairs with other men.
Judge: Hiscock, Cummings will you both please approach the bench. Now, this is a murder trial and I don't want it to be turned into a Smut circus on wheels unless it is relevant to this case.
HH & Cummings: Yes, judge Hung.
Too be continued.............
(by Jr.)
People vs. Spankme part II...
Judge Hung: Alright, lets get this trial underway, Hiscock, you may call your first witness.
HH (Harry Hiscock): Yes your honour, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Spankme.
Balif Stiffstick (BS): Please raise your right hand... Spankme. Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth .....
Mrs. Spankme (MS): I do. Can I put my hand down Stiffstick?
BS: Yes, Spankme.
HH: I would like to submit this evidence as exibit A. This bloody glove was found at the scene of the crime. It is assumed to belong to the murderer and with the court's permission, I would like to have Mrs. Spankme try it on.
HH:
Judge Hung (JH): Let the record show that
the bloody glove is big enough to fit on Hiscock.
HH:
JH: Cummings, your witness...
Next episode, Spankme, Cummings, the cross examination from hell...
(by Gurbir)
Scene : A little coffeehouse outside
the courthouse. The trial is on recess, and Hiscock is eating a muffin,
and talking to
a stranger, making smalltalk.
HH : It's a pretty big case. The paperwork alone is blowing me away. Just this morning, I was carrying it all to the trial, and I said to my assistant Alota Fagina, I think I need a bigger box...
stranger : What'd she say?
HH : Nothing. She just blushed.
stranger : Yeah..I know what you mean about being busy. I'm trying to get a band together, but I don't have time, with work and everything,
HH :What instruments are you looking for?
stranger : Well..I play guitar, and my friend Ann Alprobe plays keyboards. She's got a great set of hands on her...
HH (interest is perked) : Really...well..maybe I can help you out...a lot of people don't know this, but I'm a pretty good drummer.
stranger : you don't say??
HH : Yeah..I love to bang the skins.
stranger : Well, we should hook up then.
HH : Well..I have to go pick up some groceries, but you can call me and we can set a meeting. (gives him his card)
stranger (reads card) : Harry H. Hiscock Attorney at Law "Noone can get you out of a tight jam better than Hiscock" (tried to contain his laugh)
HH : Something wrong?
stranger : No..just wondering what the h stands for...
HH: Handson
stranger : Oh..(at this point about ready to explode)Well, Harry Hiscock, my name is Roger..Roger Overnout. We'll be in touch.
HH : Sure thing. See ya (walks out)
(by Paulo)
new episode. Everyone is in the court
room after lunch waiting for the judge.
bailiff: All rise for judge Hung.
judge: be seated. Hiscock, Cummings, I take it you had your fill at lunch. Alright, Miss Spankme, remember your still under oath. Cummings, Spankme is ready and you may begin.
Cummings: Miss Spankme, as Hiscock has shown us the glove was too big for you. But what if I said that I believe you and you did not kill your husband.
Spankme: Well I would say that you were right.
Cummings: Do you know a man named Orenthal DeBusdriva?
SM: Yes, why.
Cummings: Where do you know him from
SM: He gave me cooking lessons at the house.
Cummings: Is he still giving you lessons.
SM: Yes.
Cummings: Was he in the house on the day of the murder.
SM: yes.
HH: Your honour, I have never heard so many yes's out of a woman in my life. Could Cummings please get to a head on this matter.
judge hung: Agreed. Lets get to it Cummings.
Cummings: alright. Is it not true that Mr. DeBusdriva, was not only teaching you how to cook, but he thought you how to toss salads as well. And in the act of tossing his salad, poor Mr. Spankme walked in on the two of you. Causing Mr. DeBusdriva to get up, grab a knife and stab your poor heart broken husband.
SM: How dare you state such things. I never did any thing with Orie.
Cummings: Thank you thats all for now your honour.
Judge Hung: Alright everyone. I say we break till tomorrow morning at 9. Hiscock have your next witness nice and ready for tomorrow, so that we can start on time.
HH: Yes Judge Hung. I will get him nice and relaxed.
(next episode: Harry Hiscock goes to the supermarket. And then his next witness. Orenthal DeBusdriva)
(by Gavin)
HH at the grocery store!
Hiscock's fridge is empty and after a long day at the courthouse with Spankme, Hung, and Cummings, Hiscock has been left feeling tired and limp.
HH (thinking to self): What a hellish week this has been. Well at least today is over. Hmm...I think I could go for some of those healthy peanuts. I'll just ask the stockperson behind the counter for some.
HH: "Excuse me. Can I have some of those low fat healthy peanuts please. I can see your out at the display and I was wondering if there are any in the storeroom."
StockGirl: "Ow my God! Like, your that guy on the TV. Like, that Lawyer or something. Like, your Harry Hiscock. Ow my God. I'll go, like, ask for the guy in the back."
HH: (Wow, she recognizes me from the TV. Maybe I should put some more cash into that. Maybe something like "When your this big they call you Mr." Noooo. Its been done I think???)
StockGirl: <
After some delay.
Stockgirl: "Here's, like, your healthy nuts? Mr. Hiscock."
HH: "Thank-you very much."
Next episode: HH at the checkout.
(by Paulo)
cashier: will that be cash or credit card Mr. .. ?
HHH: Hiscock. cashier: Excuse me. How did you know about him and me.
HHH: No, No, My name, Harry Hiscock. It'll be on my
credit card.
cashier: HHH: thank you.
cashier: Harry Handson Hiscock.
bagboy: What did you just tell me to do.
cashier: Nothing Harry.
Bagboy: What is wrong with all you people. Thats it Pho
Nesex, you can
stock girl: sorry Pho, I didn't want to get you in trouble with
him.
cashier: Don't worry Harmony, Harry Pawms is just a little
cry baby who
(picture fades and the girls but heads and giggle.)
HHH is on his way back to the courtroom
after a quick stop to the supermarket. He waves a cab down and gets in.
HHH: To the courthouse and hurry, I'm gonna
be late, Hung and Cummings are going to have my ass if I'm late.
Cab Driver: Whoa dude, I don't care to
know about that sort of thing alright...
HHH: Whoa horse, maybe you should slow
down a bit, I want to get to work quickly but I need to be alive when I
get there...
Driver: Relax pops, just leave it to Otto
man, I've crashed 56 times with only 1 casualty. Stupid old bag with the
walker should never have been on the road in the first place.
HHH: It's drivers like you that make this
city unsafe for pedestrians. What's your name?
Driver: My name is Ot-to Stimulation. What
for?
HHH: I'm going to report you to the cab
company.
Otto (OS): All right pops, I'll get the
owner...What seems to be the problem?
HHH: SS: Hurry Harry, Cummings won't wait all
day. What took you so long?
HHH: I just had a bad episode with Otto
Stimulation.
Secretary: Yeah, I always have that problem
in cabs...The drivers always get distracted and stuff. Anyway, hurry up
Judge Hung is about to smack down the gavel. I think he's starting with
Cummings.
Back at the courthouse!
JH: Next witness Hiscock!
HHH: Yes sir. We've all heard the stories
and allogations so far ... but (pauses as he drinks his water) ... my next
"surprise" witness will be able to shed some light on the situation. Your
honour, I call to the stand Ron Tugnut, the backup goaltender of the Ottawa
Senetors.
JH: Hiscock, Tugnut? What does this have
to do with this trial.
HHH: All will be revealed in time.
Bailif Stiffstick: Tugnut. Please rasie
your hand and repeat after me. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth.
Tugnut: I do.
Jundge Hung: Hiscock, your witness.
HHH: Thank-you your honour .... (dramatic
pause to drink his water) ...Tugnut. You play backup goaltender for the
Ottawa Senetors. Correct?
RT: Yes.
HHH: One of your best friends, and teammate
I might add, is Lance Pitlick. Correct Tugnut?
RT: Yes.
Cummings: Your honour, is there any point
to Hiscock and these questions?
JH: Hiscock, do you have a point?
HHH: Your honour, I am tring to make a
connection between Orenthal DaBusdriva, Mrs. Spankme, and Pitlick Tugnut
on the night in question. You see your
Cummings: Objection your honour. This is
pure speculation.
JH: I'll allow this. Proceed Hiscock, nice
and slowly.
HHH: The reason this was keep secret is
that Spankme was in fact haveing an affair. But not with Orenthal DaBusdriva.
It was with Tugnut and his friend Lance. This in itself is harmless, but
Orenthal DaBusdriva was in love with Spankme and Spankme was using him
as a confidant . Orenthal DaBusdriva just couldn't take it anymore and
when he tols Mr. Spankme, Mr. Spankme lost it and went "medevil on Orenthal
DaBusdriva ass". Orenthal DaBusdriva in self-defense wrestled the knife
away from Mr. Spankme and then snapped himself and stabbed Mr. Spankme
22 times. You honour, Spankme, had no idea what has occuring in the house
that night because Spankme Pitlick Tugnut were engaged in a menange-a-trois.
Next episode: Is Hiscock right about Spankme,
Lance. and Tugnut. Only Pitlick can clear up this mess.
(by Gurbir..where we add a little class
& bring in the Irish)
Later that night, Hiscock is poking around
in his basement when the phone rings. It's Judge Mi So Hung
HH : Hello?
MSH : Give me Hiscock
HH : Speaking
MSH : We've got a problem. Orenthal has
escaped from jail.
HH : Holy Shit!
MSH : What does my cousin have to do with
this?
HH : What?
MSH : You said Ho Lee Sheet..that's my
cousin.
HH: Oh..nevermind. When did this happen.
MSH : About 25 minutes ago. We think that
me might be coming after you...
HH : Nobody comes after Hiscock and gets
away with it. Don't you worry, Judge. Hiscock's got protection.
HH hangs up the phone, and calls a number.
Gerald Fitzpatrick : Hello?
HH : Gerald. Triple H here. Need some services
from you & your cousin.
GF : Ya called at a bad time. I was just
puttin' on the covers and gettin' ready for a bit of riding with the mot.
HH : This is important.
GF: All right. You've got 1 minute to say
your peice. Meanwhile, I'll just play with the ol' diddies.
HH : You know about my current case involving
Mrs. spankme. It turns out that Orenthal has escaped. I need one of you
to drive over here and protect me. I also need one of you to find him before
he can get here.
GF: I tell you Harry..I must be the biggest
gobshite in the world, but I'll do it. I'll come over while Pat goes looking
for the chancer.
Gerald, Harry & Suzy are sitting in
Harry's apartment. Gerald is on the phone.
GF : See you in a bit then.
GF : That was Pat. He found the bouzzie
down at the local. He's a bit paraletic, blathering on.
HH & SS just look at him with blank
stares.
GF : What? Are ya both a couple of culchies?
HH : No..at least I don't think so. Basically,
son..we didn't understand a damn word ya just said.
GF : I said the gurrier was a bit motherless
at a boozer up the ways a bit.
SS : Oh..(looks at Harry).
HH : That's good...right?
GF : Jayzuz!! Of course it is. They'll
be here in a bit. If you'll both excuse me, I'm going to step outside to
suck on a fag.
HH: WHAT! That is gross.
GF: You're right. I've been trying to quit,
but I just can't.
HH : Whatever. Just do it outside.
There's a knock on the door. It's GF's
cousing Patrick Fitzgerald, and Orenthal deBusdriva. Orenthal looks at
Suzy & starts to smile.
SS smiles back.
HH : Oh wow. You found him
PF : Of cours. Gerry..ya didn't tell them?
GF just sighs.
HH : Now, Orenthal. What the hell is going
on?
OD : I didn't kill anyone. You have to
believe me. I was framed.
HH : You were? By who.
OD : His name is Peter Greese.
HH : You mean the police officer? Why would
he set you up?
OD : Because...he hates all white people.
He planted the glove.
HH : Can you prove this?
OD : Yes. I have a pictures that will explain
everything. They're in my apartment.
HH : All right. I'm going to the apartment
with Pat. Gerry, you go stake out Greese's house. Suzy, you stay here with
Orenthal.
(whispers in her ear : Don't worry. We
won't stick you with anything.)
SS : Oh..I'm not worried about that at
all (flutters her eyes over at Orenthal)
GF leans over to HH and says:
Are you sure that's wise..leaving the two
of them together. I believe him when he says he didn't do anything. But
that gel..she's a bit of a Mary Hick?
HH : What?
PF : She likes to ride the Langer a bit
too much
HH : Huh?
(in the background, Orenthal & Suzy
walk in to the bedroom together)
GF : Her gee's a bit manky
HH: I don't understand
PF: She likes to drink from the mickey.
HH : Come again?
GF : She's a motherlovin' scrubber!
HH : Uhh...
PF : A never miind. A waste of fucking
time talking to this one, Gerry.
Next episode : How will Suzy's promiscuity
affect Hiscock? What shocking evidence do they find at Orenthel's apartment.
Just what are Gerald & Pat talking about? Tune in next time, ya jackeens!!
(by Paulo)
back at Orenthal's apartment.
HH: what are you doing.
Gerald: I'm a spanking the lock.
HH: Well do it in private.
Gerald: Dahh, ye stoopid Canajian.
HH: There are the pictures. (long pause)
Gerald: Gawd al Mightee. That's Pitlick.
HH: ah man, that leaves a bad taste in
my mouth. What is Spankme, Pitlick and Greese doing together. Maybe
Orenthal was right. Greese knows who really killed Mr. Spankme.
Gerald: Listen you red belly son of a ore,
I aint spanking anyone but me self. Alright grab the photos and lets get
out before the fuzz get here.
they leave...
Meanwhile at Greese's stakeout Pat has
bugged Greese's place.
Greese: No listen, Tugnutt, I don't have
to tell you anything. Right now you and Pitlick are suspects and
I have to do something to safe Pitlick.
Tugnutt: But Pitlick and I were together
that night. We weren't anywhere near Spankme's house. We were out
at OnTap with Daigle. You know he gets all the girls around him. Pitlick
and I have been away from our wives for so long we decided to go with Alex
so that we can flirt. We weren't going to do anything.
Greese: Yah, Yah. Listen, Lance is a good
friend of mine. I had to take measures to protect him.
Tugnutt: What measures. We only talked
to Spankme that night. There were no measures nescessary.
Greese: Thats all get the hell out.
Tugnutt: If you don't clear our names your
going to be sorry.
Greese: We'll see about that. Tugnut, Greese
always gets his man.
Slam.....
At HHH apartment:
Susie Shear and Orenthal are in HHH bedroom
talking.
SS: So you're a bus driver.
OD: No, I was an ex-football great with
the Ottawa Roughriders. When the team went belly up, I turned to teaching
cooking. Thats how I got to know Spankme.
(slap, slap)
OD: What was that for.
SS: Oh sorry you were talking about the
trial.
OD: Yah. So I goes to the house, but Spankme
isn't there. Her husband is, saying something about Tugging nuts lance
spankme with greese. I decided to wait outside. Then I heard the back door
close so I thought Mrs. Spankme was home so I went in. Only to find Mr.
Spankme stabbed with my cooking knife. I ran out of there but the Pigs
were already there. Officer Greese I believe his name was.
SS: Oh so you think that he framed you
because he was involved with Spankme.
OD: Yah I do. But speaking of spanking
has gotten me stiffy. If you smell what I'm cooking.
SS: Sorry that must be me your smelling.
Hiscock won't be coming for a while. Why don't you show me yours.
OD: Alright.
(seen fades as the two start kissing)
SS: Hello?
PF: Suzie, it's pat, bad news, ya got ta get deBusdriver outta there.
I got that chancer Grease's appartment bugged and the gobshite is on his
way over to get Orenthal.
SS: What are you saying?
PF: I'm saying get your Mary Hick arse out of bed, get dressed and get
going.
SS: Thanks Pat I'm on my way.
SS PG: Shit, they must be onto me.
PG: Dispatch, this is Officer Grease, I've located deBusdriver, he's
in a white Ford Bronco licence plate IGV A69. Their headed onto Highway
417.
HHH: So Officer Grease was the one that killed Mr. Spankme and
planted the bloody glove to make it look like Orenthal did it...
GF: Good Gawd, look at what's going on over there...
The TV: "...In what appears to be a low speed chase involving about
16 police cruisers and a white Ford Bronco. Our sources tell us that
accused murderer Orenthal deBusdriver is in the Bronco..."
HHH: Hollly Shit!
HHH Ho Lee Sheet: You called my name?
HHH: No I was talking about the TV...Holy Shit Grease is going after
Orenthal...
Will Orenthal and Suzie be able to escape the police to reveal who the
real murder is? Will Peter Grees get away with his dastardly deeds?
Will we ever uderstand what the Hell Gerlad Fitzpatrick and Partick FitzGerald
are saying? Will Pitlick and Tugnut by a bag of Cheetos?
(by Gavin)
-----------
GF: hmmmmm. hhmmmmmmggh.... Hey. If you tink your
so big Hiscock, why don't you try eating this sausage.
Lance: Whatever happened to the old fashion names like Macho man.
PG: Ronny, grab Lance and head to the UofO. Well meet under
the big smokestack. And watch out for Hiscock. He's one his
way to your place in a bug. Plate number UB6-IB9.
Tugnut: Come'on Lance. Lets get out of here.
PF: It'z a god ting I plugged Tugnut's phun also. Time to
call in da boyz.
Next episode: The conclusion of this capper!!
(by Gurbir)
PG pulls up.
PG : Both of you, get your jock straps in here.
LP : Hey..aren't you supposed to be chasing a white bronco?
PG : No..it was getting to public, so I let him give the Greese the
slip. Don't worry. I know where he's going.
RT : Where?
-------
radio : And recapping our top story, Orenthal deBusdriva is once again
missing, following a high speed chase by 16 police cars. The cops lost
the trail when deBusdriva threw a box of donuts out the window. Our last
reports suggest that the cops are now chasing the rogue dunuts down Main
St. deBusdriva, whose current whereabouts are unknown, is believed to have
a young female hostage. It was not possible to get an ID on this young
lady, as her head kept disappearing below the dashboard. Signing
off, this is Dick Stiffie for KBBL.
GF (looks at HHH) : I warned you about the gel.
HHH : No, man...it's pronounce with a soft 'g'. And I don't use any.
GF: Nevermind. What are we gonna do about your little runaway?
HHH : Don't worry. I know where he's coming from, and I know where he's
going. In fact..there's only one place he CAn go..
GF : And where is that?
HHH : Just a second..(picks up the phone). Pat? Hiscock. Listen..here's
where I want you to meet me....
(fade)
Orenthal is driving the bronco, speeding as much as he can.
OD :I'm not going to go down for this.
SS (with a muffle voice) : Hey..you promised that you would after I
was done...
OD :That's not what I'm talking about...now don't talk with a full mouth.
SS: Where are we going anyway?
OD : To the one last peice of evidence I need to clear this whole thing
up.
SS : And where's that...
OD : Down there. (gestures with his head)
SS : Down where.?
OD : At the house of Spankme
SS: Sheesh..you DO have a one track mind.
OD: No, I mean at the house of Mr. & Mrs. Spankme
(they pull into Spankme's drive way, and run to the door)
Mrs. Spankme : What are you doing here? And who is she?
OD : I need your help...
Greese, Pitlik & Tugnutt step out of the dark on the porch. Greese
is holding a gun
PG : It's a little too late for all that. Now the three of you, get
inside.
(they all go in, and close the door)
PG : now then...this whole affair has gotten out of hand.I'm gonna have
to really grease the wheels of justice to get this mess straightened out.
Pun intended.
Pitlik& Tugnutt chuckle.
OD : What are you gonna do now?
RT : All right..here's what we're gonna do. Greese came to visit us
because he was concerned about our well being, since you were missing again.
We then got a acall from Mrs. Spankme crying about an intruder. We raced
over here, and found Spankme killing Suzy Shear in a jealous rage. In the
melee, the three of you were all killed. End of story.
SS : You can't do this!! I'm a blonde!!
LP : We are doing this..and you're not a natural blonde.
OD looks at SS : How does he know that?
SS blushes.
Out of the shadows step HHH & GF
HHH : Nobody's doing anyone! Someone's gonna pay for this. Nobody fucks
Hiscock and sleeps well at night. Your plan almost worked, Greese. But
you gotta get up early to pull a fast one on Hiscock.
Spankme : What are you talking about?? What's going on??
HHH : Allow me to explain everything. madam, The gentleman before you
is Peter Greese, a card carrying member of the nation of Islam. This whole
affair was his master plan to bring yourself & your husband to ruin.
Here's how he was going to do it. He approached your husband with a business
plan, in which they would both get rich by selling police information &
impounded drugs to the underworld. After a while, he arranged to have your
husband taken out of the picture and frame you for it. To do so, he hired
Pitlik & Tugnutt here to distract you at the local bar. Getting home
late, he killed your husband, and planted evidence to suggest that you
& your cook here were secretly conspiring to get your husband. He walks
away with the money, and the knowledge that he had destroyed another white
family.
Spankme : But, if he hates white people, why did he work with Pitlik
& Tugnutt?
HHH : You try finding a black athlete in Ottawa since the Roughriders
folded. He needed people with star power, but that needed more money. The
Senators was the logical choice.
PG : You forget though..I have the gun, and two hockey players on my
side.
GF: Look outside laddie, and you're bollocks will climb into your nose!!
LP : Greese..the house is surrounded by a bunch of drunk Irish guys.
PG : What are they doing?
LP : Playing soccer...
GF :That's right. And a single gunshot will get them a riotin'..and
you don't want that, no ya don't!!
HHH : The gig is up, Greese Monkey!!
SS: Oh Hiscock..you're so brilliant. (runs and gives him a kiss)
HH spits... : Goddamn it woman!! What the hell was that crap in your
mouth?? (once more..let us never do this again!)
OD : That's 100% Orenthal juice, baby!!
HHH : I can't believe you cheated on me!! (as police sirens are heard
in the background). I may have won the case, but I just don't car about
law after this. My heart has been broken. I need to get away from it all.
Goodbye.
As the police pull up, HHH walks out of the house, and down the street.
"Work for Love" by Ministry plays in the background(mainly because that's
what I'm listening to right now).
END ACT 1
Stay tuned next time, as Hiscock picks up the peices of his life. Where
does he go from here. What path will his life take? And don't miss the
exciting intro of Biggie Balls aka Notorious B.A.L., and the creation of
Jehovah's Wetness. And just what the hell is Balzupyurhozza??
We now join Harry as he and Roger as they meet up in a small diner near
downtown Toronto.
Roger: Harry, glad to see you could make it. Let me introduce
you to the rest of the band. Anne Alprobe, she plays keyboards, has
a great set of hands. Noah Rection, plays trumpet; Enema Bondage
on trombone; Scott Towel, base and vocals, great sound and speedy fingers.
HHH: Good to meet you all.
Roger: All right, here's what's going on. We have two weeks
to learn our songs, Harry this means you especially. We have our
first gig at Club 360 with Ska gods Buck-0-Nine. But first, we need
to settle on a name for the band.
Noah Rection: How about the backdoor boys?
Scott Towel: That's stupid.
Noah Rection: You come up with something better ya' fukin' gizzmopper!
Scott Towel: Ex...and how about we call ourselves Jehova's Wetness?
Enema Bondage: Dude, what's wrong with Harry? OH MY GOD, HE'S
CHOKING
Roger: What a mess. Enema and Noah, you two make sure Harry's
O.K., Anne, clean this up with Scott Towel, I'll go make nice with the
owner.
Scott : Anne: What were you saying before that?
Scott: I forget.
Roger: So everyone is agreed then, we are now called the Jehova's Wetness.
Let's head up to my warehouse so we can start jamming.
(by Paulo)
Harry has gotten into his car with Ann Alprobe to go the the warehouse
to practice.
AA: So Harry tell me about yourself.
HHH: Well, I was a laywer, and had a big case recently.
You may have heard it. It was with Orenthal and Spankme.
Greese tried to use Tugnutt and Pitlick to frame Orenthal, but I found
out about it and sent greese to jail.
AA: Oh yah I heard about that. That was you.
HHH: Yup.
AA: Why did you quit.
HHH: Well I was tired of all the comotion of law, not to mention
that my ex-girlfriend Susie Shier works at the law firm, and she
is, how do I put this nicely........a whore.
AA: Thats the nicest thing you can say.
HHH: Yah I could have called her a c..., nah forget it not in
the company of a lady. So I hear you have some pretty good set of
hands.
AA: Well, I try to pratice alot. Either by myself or with
people around. I dream of playing with Notorious B.A.L.
HHH: Really, thats to bad I would of liked for us to get together.
AA: Excuse me. ... No thats not what I meant. You
really want to get together with me.
HHH: Well like I say what Hiscock wants Hiscock gets.
AA: Oh your such a man, but I am involved with someone right now,
maybe some other time.
HHH: Yah whatever. We're at the warehouse, lets go,
do you want some help with you equipment.
AA: No thank you.
AA and HHH walk into the warehouse with HHH with a very sad look
on his face. Will AA ever show HHH her great hands, or will HHH have
to be single for awhile.
(by Gavin)
Well its been pretty tough going for our hero HHH lately. But
as we catch up to our champion of justice with the Jehova's Wetness, we
see that Hiscock is very excited to start banging the skins.
Roger: Ok Hiscock. Well start you off with one of our simpler
songs entitled "Bee-Hatch". Basically its you drumming to a 2-1-2
beat. Can you handle that.
HHH: Hiscock can handle anything (wink to Anne Alprobe).
Roger: Alrighty then. Hiscock, wait for my signal to start.
Lets kick it.
<< ~The band begins by playing a very soft soothing melady. Then
Roger starts to pick up the pace and the rest of the band follows.
Roger gives Hiscock the signal and things are really starting to sound
like a hard rock band with the trumpets in the background (picture Dave
Mathew's Band).~
Roger: Die bitch, die bitch, die bitch, diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee
beeeeeeeee-hatch!
~HHH gets the signal to break into solo and does he every. Hiscock
is just so pumped up that he starts hiting evrything in sight. As
HH slows down the trumpets pick up and so ends the song~
Scott Towel: Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you realy
know how, and like to, bang the skins.
HHH: I've been banging for as long as I can remember. I
use to have a group I loved to jam with but I also spent alot of time banging
by myself in front of the mirror to get my form down. Got to look
good for my audience you know.
Enema Bondage: It really shows too. If never seen a drummer as
srong and pumper up as you Hiscock.
Anne Alprobe: And when you strike the skins you stay stiff.
It gives off such a great sound that. and I think I speak for all of us,
we just love to hear.
Roger: Man, you were moving so fast that I lost sight of your
stike banging the skins. I only have two questions. First, how long
can you keep up that pace for. My second is, can the Wetness keep
up with Hiscock.
HHH: Well, lets find out.
-Loud tunage can be heard as we leave our hero. Can Hiscock keep
up the pace. Can Anna Alprobe and the rest of the Wetness keep up
to Hiscock. How does Hiscock keep that stiffness for so long?
These answers and much much more in the coming episodes of HHH.
(By Gurbir)
A few weeks have passed, and the band has started writing songs, and
jamming. HHH is waiting at a practice, playing with his skins, when Roger
Overnout arrives. He is not alone.
RO : Hey..you're all here. Great. I've got some amazing news!
AA : What's up?
RO : We've got a manager! Everyone, meet Willie Sharp
WS : Hey guys!! Great to meet you...
EB : Whoa whoa whoa...isn't this something we should decide on as a
group??
RO : Well yeah...
WS interrupts : Let me handle this, Roger. (to Enema) : Look..I don't
want to be stepping on anyone's toes, but Overnout here tells me you guys
are having trouble getting gigs. Well, stick with me, and I can get your
sorry asses up to #1.
HHH : Don't you mean a #2...
WS : Ha! You must be Hiscock!! Roger told me you were a funny guy. (turns
to Roger) Hiscock has the kind of spunk I like!! Just don't go shooting
off to quick, son. That's rule # 12 of "Big Willie Style!"
ST : Yeah...and I ain't cleaning it up either!
NR: What?
ST : Nothing. Look..the new manager is cool with me.
HHH : Yeah..Hiscock can hang with Willie.
AA: YEah..I'm down with Willie to
NR : I don't know..Willie looks kinda limp to me.
EB : I'm with Noah Rection.
RO : Well..that's still a majority. Willie..care to share your good
news.
HHH : What good news.
WS : I can get you guys in to play at Bovine Sex Club next weekend.
And, I've found out that Woody DeKok will be there scouting local talent.
AA : Woody DeKok!! You mean the genius behind the Ballzupyahooza tour!!
Was it hard, Willie?
WS : Oh yeah...but if it's not hard, it's not worth doing. That's rule
# 46 of Big Willie Style.
AA: Amen to that!
HHH : Well. then we better get our practice on.
(end of scene)
Will the band perform well enough to get Woody to talk to Willie. Will
Noah Rection & Enema Bondage be able to play with Willie looking over
their shoulder. Stay tuned.
(by Junior)
Following a lengthy jam session, our friends from Jehovah's wetness
are headed to the old sleep sack to catch a few well deserved z's. Unfortunately,
the warehouse ain't the best place for a nap, feeling a little bit of the
insomnia, HHH paces the warehouse looking for something to keep him occupied.
Roger (RO): What's up Harry? Cant' sleep?
HHH: Nah, my muscles are tired from banging the skins all day.
It's really tough on the arms and I get blisters on my hands.
RO: Yeah I know what you mean...my toung got quite the work out today,
I'm starting to slur my speech. Can you imagine how Noah and Enema
feel, I mean they've been blowing all day.
HHH: Yeah, those things must leave a bad taste in their mouths.
RO: Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep, I suggest you do the same.
HHH: Good Idea. See you in the morning.
Meanwhile, in Noah Rection's room.
EB: You sleeping?
NR: Hi Enema. Actually no, I was just practicing my fingering.
EB: I know what you mean. I can't sleep either, so why don't we
practice our fingering together? ST RO: Where the hell are Noah and Enema. This ain't a fuckin
vacation!
Ann Alprobe: I've checked Enema's room, she ain't there.
HHH: I'll go check Noah's room.
RO: What's so funny Harry?
HHH: Enema was doing it with Noah Rection.
ST: Obviously, she ain't a guy dill hole.
HHH: No! I mean her and Noah were sleeping together last night
retard.
RO: Settle down guys. Let's just get set up to jam.
(by Paulo)
HHH: Man I have never been so nervous. I have had some tough
cookies in court but this takes the cake.
Willie Sharpe: Don't sweat it, because Willie's rule #103 says
that when you start to get nervous the only person that your going
to lay the smack down is on yourself.
(HHH gives Willie a wierd look) Listen I want you to meet your
makeup person. (In walks a beautiful brunette) Harry meet Laya,
Laya Hirkunt, Laya meet Harry, Harry Hiscock. But you two get to
know each other I got some people to do and things to see.
HHH: Hello, Laya, what a beautiful name, what nationality is it.
LH: I am from Slovakia. Actually my full name is Layanow
Hirkuntstrokski, but I only use Laya Hirkunt because it is easier to
pronounce. But lets sit your ass down on this chair Mr. Hiscock and
lets see what we can do with you.
HHH: You can do anything you want
LH: No silly, I meant with your make up......Oh you have beautiful
cheek bones.(just then some on knocks on the door so Laya turns around
to see who it is. Meanwhile Harry is looking at her reflection on
the mirror. Laya comes back.) That was Willie.
HHH: Really what did he want.
LH: I don't know something about rule # 836 saying something about
an aardvark and smelling the cooking. I don't know.
HHH: Ahh don't mind him, he's a bit wierd but at leasts he's starting
to get us gigs.
LH: Yah.
HHH: So Laya, on a personal note. Do you have any family
of your own.
LH: No, my parents died when I was young, and I had no sibblings.
Why do you ask?
HHH: Well thats not what family I meant but since you didn't mention
them I take it your not married.
LH: Why Hiscock!!? Are you asking Hirkunt out on a date.
HHH: Well yes, if you have the time for a skin banging ex-lawyer
musician.
LH: Harry, I would love to go on a date with you. But we'll
talk about it later you better get going, your up next.
HHH: Actually I'm up right now, but thats a different episode.
(will Hiscock and Hirkunt get together. Or is there a secret past
in Miss. Laya's life. Will the band play well or is Harry to horny,
find out next episode.)
(by Gurbir)
After the band's performance, Hiscock is sitting in his hotel
room. The phone rings,
HHH : Hello?
Reception : Sir, there's a Laya here to see you.
HHH : Yeah..send Hirkunt up to Hiscock.
Reception : I'm sorry sir..this is not that kind of hotel.
HHH : Whatever. Just let her in.
A few minutes later, there is a knock.
HHH : Coming!
LH : Hi Hiscock. I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
HHH : Not at all. I was just sitting here...
LH : I was thnking about our earlier talk...and I was at the show, and
watching you hit the drums with those three drumsticks of yours..It really
excited me. How did you manage to use a third one..
HHH : Now that's a secret...
LH : A secret?
HHH : Yeah..that third drumstick is strong enough for a man..but it's
made for a woman. And I love to bang skins with that thrid one...
LH : Make sweet music with me....
LH : Oh Hiscock!! I love you!!
HHH : I love you too Suzy...
LH : What?
HHH : I love you too...
LH : Who's suzy?
HHH : What do you mean?
LH : You said I love you too Suzy...who is Suzy.
HHH: She..I..I'm sorry. I thought I was ready for this..THE PAIN!!!
(runs into the washroom)
LH : Musicians...bunch of babies!! Hiscock..you OK in there?
HHH : I'll be fine..I just need to be alone.
LH goes, leaving HHH lying on the washroom floor, in the fetal position.
LH walks outside, and is stopped by a man dressed in a trenchcoat, with
a fedora. He is smoking a cigarette.
Deepthroat : Well?
LH : I tried. Your boy up there has some serious problems to work through.
Deepthroat : He will...playing in a band will be therapeutic for him.
And when he is ready, I'll be there. In the meantime, keep on him. Not
too much pressure...you have to ease Hiscock out of his hole.
Deepthroat walks off...LH walks in the opposite direction.
next episode: What the fuck just happened? Stay tuned...
(by Junior)
HHH Biggie Ball HHH: Do I look like a pizza guy you fat fuck?
BB: Hey, it's the drummer from Jehovah's wetness, come in, take
a seat, have some cess...
HHH: Wait, a minute, I have no problems with gay people but It doesn't
do it for me alright.
BB: Weed mutherfucker, weed.
HHH: OOOHHH, I though you said have some sex.
BB: Heh! guy! guy! yo you pretty funny and shit...but...FUCK! I just
forgot what I wuz sayin'. I saw your ass hanging wit dat' bitch Hirkunt
the other day.
HHH: Hey she's a nice girl, lay off man.
BB: Guy! I got the mizzike right now so let me talk before I bust a
cap up in here. So what's the dealio wit you and dat bitch?
HHH: She does my makeup.
BB: Makeup! What kind of ignorant ass shit is that. Nobody
but Kiss wears makeup to do a show (See Paulo, even Biggie Ball agrees).
You a bitch or something? Damn!
HHH: I don't know, she just started doin it and I didn't mind
about having Hirkunt around.
BB: Yo I hear ya, It's always nice to have some freely accessible
pie if you can smell what I'm cooking. Watch out for Hirkunt yo,
She got VD and shit.
HHH: She has diseases.
BB: A violent dispositon mutherfucker. I don't think she works
in the industry, you better keep your eye on her. Hirkunt may try
to fuck you Hiscock, if she tries, you gotta stick it in her...I mean to
her.
HHH: thanks for the advice, I'd better get going.
BB: Aw-ight, just remember what I tole' ya.
(by Gavin)
HHH returns home after a night of smoking the hoolie. As Hiscock
tries to unlock the door, he realizes that something is greatly wrong.
The door is unlocked.
HHH: HHH pushes the door open and staggers towards the kitchen.
He heads straight to the cupboards and grabs the bag of doritios sitting
on the shelf.
CRUNCH!!!! crunch crunch crunch ....
CRUNCH!!!! crunch crunch crunch ....
As Hiscock starts to regain his strenght he manages to raise his head
and spots Hirkunt in the doorway.
HHH: Where did you come from and how did you get in here???
Laya: I have nowhere to sleep tonight and Willie gave me your keys and
said I could crash here tonight. I was sound asleep but those doritos
woke me up. I guess they really are the loudest taste on earth.
HHH: I can think of something thats alot louder and tastes saltier.
You might even say its lip smacking good.
Laya: I think I see your point.
HHH: You can, (HHH looks down).
Laya: Well, that one too.
As Hiscock and Hirkunt start to press against one another, wee see that
there are spectators observing all that is transpiring.
< The scene changes to across the street where Willie and Roger are observing
the couple through the window.
RO: Dammit Willie, your big hear is in the way. I can't see what's
happening.
Willie: Look, you wanted me to investigate Hiscock now let me
do my job.
RO: Look man, I just wanted to find out where Hiscock learned
to bang the skins like that. He has a form I've never seen before,
but the women just love. Especially when he starts going nuts and
banging everthing in sight.
Willie: Theres more to Hiscock than he's showing us .... ok he's
showing us everything right now but thats not what I mean. We might
be able to use him in our operation. But in order for everything
to work Hiscock and Hirkunt have to get together.
< Soundly, Biggie Balls' words are heard ringing to Hiscock ears.
Images of Suzie start popping up and Hiscokc goes limp.
Laya: Whats the matter. Its her again isn't it. Well
follow HirKunt to the bedroom and well see if we can make evrthing better.
----What the hell is going on. Will Hirkunt be able to penetrate
into Hiscock's love life (this sentence just seems wrong doen't it boys
and girls). What does Willie have up his sleep. How does Roger
fit into all this. And what of the rest of the band. Can Anna
save Hiscock. Find out next episode.
(by Gurbir)
HHH wakes up. He has a bad taste in his mouth. He walks to the washroom,
trying to remember the events of last night. As he opnes the door to the
bathroom, he notices the shower is running. He pulls back the shower curtain,
and sees Laya standing there, naked. She turns around, and lets out a scream
of surprise. HHH looks down at her crotch, and lets out a scream of disgust.
HHH : You..you..you're a ma ma ma ma MAN!!!
Laya : No..Yes..well..sorta. Harry..let me explain.
HHH : Fuck you & your explanations...get your ass out of my house,
you deviant bitch!!
Laya : Harry...it ain't like that.
HHH : The hell it isn't. And to think I had sex with you....(he turns
and hurls into the toilet)
Laya : What are you talking about. We didn't have sex. We fooled around
a bit, but you were so high you couldn't even get hard. I played with it
for a good 20 minutes, and it didn't even move.
HHH : You touched Hiscock's cock with your hands...
Laya: Well..not only my hands...
HHH hurls again...
HHH : Get out..
LAya : But Harry...I love you.
HHH : No way..I've been lied to by women..and now byt a man. Well..I've
learned a lesson here...DTA. Don't ever turst anybody!! Now get out of
my room, you springer reject!!
HHH watches her\him leave.
HHH : Thank goodness...although, in that dress, he still looks damn
good...What am I saying!?!
The phone rings. It's Willie.
HHH : Hello?
WS : Hiscock? Great news!! DeKok liked us so much, that we've been asked
to go along or the whole tour. DeKok said he was watching you play with
your sticks and he felt something move inside him.
HHH : Excuse me for a second...
he runs to sink and hurls again,..
HHH : You were saying...
WS : Yeah..we're leaving in two days..I want to have a meeting soon,
though. Meet us at Mother Sucker's for lunch.
HHH : All right..bye.
---
waiter : Can I get you something, sir?
HHH : No thanks.
Ann : Not hungry, Harry?
HHH : No..I'm starved, actually..but all I can taste is mouthwash (glares
at Laya, who looks away. Roger smiles.)
WS : Well..the reason I asked to have this meeting is that we need to
plan our travel arrangemets. We're going to travel by train, and share
hotel rooms. Who wants to go with who?
HHH : Uh..with all due respect..I'd rather just have my own room. I've
had one surprise too many as of late, and I can't handle anymore. (stares
at Laya again)
WS : We can't afford that yet, Harry.
HHH : I'll pay for it on my own.
WS: All right then...but remember, a man that doesn't trust others can't
trust himself. Rule #111 of Big Willie Style...
The others look confused, trying to figure out what Willie is talking
about.
How does the band handle life on the road. What's going on with Roger
& Laya. What new twists will Hiscock's life take. WIll Harry ever find
true happiness, or will he spend the rest of his days laying the smack
down on himself?? Find out next week.
HHH: Yes?
Jeff Grease: Harry Hiscock?
HHH: Who wants to know?
JG: My name is Jeff Grease, do you mind if I come in? We
need to talk.
HHH: Wait a second, are you any relation to Peter Grease?
JG: Unfortunately. He's my brother. HHH: So what does CSIS want with Hiscock?
JG: Have you ever heard of Biggie Balls of the Notorious B.A.L.?
HHH: Sure, we're touring with them.
JG: Biggie is currently under investigation for Drug trafficking.
We know that you have been hanging out with him, we thought you could get
us some information on him.
HHH: Umm, I don't know about this. He's Biggie Balls, not
a big stick in the drug ring.
JG: Were trying to NAIL his supplier, But Biggie Balls keeps getting
in the way. You can see how frustrating that is.
HHH: Why don't you just get Balls out of the way?
JG: We need Balls to get to the crack...dealer. Hiscock,
why don't you come in here? There are a few people I want you to
meet.
JG: Harry, meet Dana Stroke my partner, and assistant director
Skinny, our chief.
Skinny: Harry, please have a seat.
Deepthroat: Skinny, we have a problem.
Skinny: Deepthroat, I'd like you to meet Grease, Hiscock and Stroke.
Grease: So you're the infamous Deepthroat. Why do they call
you deep throat?
Deepthroat: Never mind that, Biggie Balls has been shot.
Gang style in downtown L.A. while driving in his Bronco.
(by Paulo)
HHH: I have a reservation for Harry Handson Hiscock. reception:
Sorry sir we don't do that sort of thing here.
HHH: Listen....(pauses and looks down at the name tag) Big Crevice
(shakes his head to make sure he heard himself right). I made a reservation
two days ago, I'm with the band.
HHH: No thank you, I can handle my own.
As HHH get to his room he notices his bedroom door slightly ajar.
He peers in and it is full of smoke. Laya and Roger are standing
with their back towards the wall and they seem to be talking to someone.
HHH is now getting really pissed off and runs into the room.
HHH: Alright!!! Damit I am getting tired of this. Whats
going on here
Roger. And who is this guy smoking cigars in my room.
Roger: Harry?? We we weren't expecting you for another 4 hours.
HHH: Well I am here, that still doesn't explain what you, confused
one(pointing to laya) and chimney stack are doing here.
CigarGuy: Now listen Mr. Hiscock, I know this seems wierd but it's for
your own good that you forget that you saw us here. Time will answer
your questions.
(the three intruders begin to leave. HHH slams the door shut)
HHH: Fuck you!!! I am tired of all this secrecy. First
I get set up with heshe, then you two are holding hands and hanging around
like your two puppies in love, now I find the human cancer in my hotel
room.
Roger: Whats he talking about heshe?????
Laya: I'll explain later.
HHH: Yah, I bet heshe will. After the deed has been done.
Cigarman: Now listen here Hiscock, you better not annoy me.
You will know the truth in time.
HHH: Noooooooo, you listen!! I want the truth and I want
it now.
Cigarman: You want the truth, you want the truth, well you
can't handle the truth.
(pulls out a gun and aims at Laya and shoots her. She falls into
Rogers arms)
Roger: Oh my God you killed Laya.
Harry runs at Cigarman (in slow motion) and then blackness. The
next thing he knows Roger is over HHH.
HHH: What happened?
Roger: I don't know. They shot Laya and then I see you ran
at the bastard and then I am waking up on the floor there.
You know whats funny though.
HHH: What?
Roger: There's no blood from Laya. Maybe he shot her with a tranq..
HHH: Who cares about that guy. I attacked him so he wouldn't
shoot me.
Roger: Are you telling me Laya was a guy.
HHH: Yup
Roger runs into the bathroom and wrenching sound can be heard.
Roger: My god. I kissed Him.
HHH: well at least thats all!! Who was that guy anyways.
Roger: Some big shot. He asked me to keep an eye on you.
Why I don't know. But he said that if any thing ever happened to
you, he would kill me. so I had to choice.
HHH: MMMM.... Let me make some calls. Till we find out whats
happening lets keep this quiet and lets watch our backs.
What just happened here. Who is Cigarman? Is Laya really
dead? Who is Laya? The truth is somewhere......
(by Gavin)
HHH: "What the fuck."
Looking aroung Hiscock sees Hirkunt beside him. Rembering everything
since coming home drunk, Hiscock gently raises the sheets. Both Hiscock
and Hirkunt are naked (big surprise). Looking at Laya, Hiscock can
see that the heshe is only a she and that she is quite alive.
HHH: "That was some trip."
Hiscock rises and goes to the bathroom. As Hiscock enters the
bathroom, the door closes behind him. Standing there is Deepthroat
and Cigarman.
DT: You do remember our deal from last night Hiscock?
Cigarman is in the background puffing away while Hiscock and Deepthroat
become engaged .... in conversation.
HHH: What do you mean?
DT: You were so messed up last night that you just ended up passing
out. At one point you saying something about shooting at Hirkunt.
HHH: I have no clue what your trying to say Deepthroat. Maybe
you should get that thing out of your mouth.
Deepthroat spits out his gum.
DT: I hang around with Mr. Chimney there, I tend to get a foul
taste in my mouth.
HHH: Maybe you should start from the begining Deepthroat.
And go nice and slow.
DT: There no point in relaying everything. I'll just bring you
up .... to speed on the situation. Biggie Balls was shot latter last
night after you left. We feel that someone in the Wetness could be
next. Roger has been helping us and I'm not going to lie to you.
We believe your the target. Either that or someone is trying to screw
you Hiscock. The police beleive
HHH: But we have a concert tonight. I can't bang the skins
without Alprobe.
Cigarman: Hiscock! Time is short. The band is meeting
downstairs in 30 minutes with us. Be there and be ready to play.
Because without Alprobe, the Wetness could be in for a really bad night
in terms of picking up a label. And your going to have to pick up the slack.
I'm looking at you right now and I can see your still limp from last night.
HHH: Have one of my trips and see if you can get it up.
Cigarman: Thats not what I meant. And show me one more crack
like that and I'll have Deepthroat all over you.
----------------------
Well in a rather strange turn of events .... things are starting to
come together. Next episode, can Cigarman, Deepthroat, and Hiscock
save Alprobe. What about Hirkunt. How does she fit into all
this. Why didn't Roger tell Hiscock before. And can Scott Towel
dry up hiw tears and play the gig of his life.
stock girl(comes to the cash): so did Hiscock buy his nuts.
kiss our relationship goodbye. Your too weird for me.
can't last. Time for me to find a better partner!
===
(by Junior)
Harry Hiscock in: That's presonnal...
honour, Spankme is a big hockey fan. She
loves the Senetors and on the night in question, Spankme was at the game.
********************
next episode
(by Junior)
Orenthal deBusdriver and Suzie Shear are making nookie back at HHH's.
Officer Grease discovers this and since OD is the only one who can finger
him as the murderer, he HEADS over to Hiscocks to tie up the loose ends...
You're going down deBusdriver, and I'm not talking on that skank in
your Ford either.
PG: Dammit. This is not turning out how I expected it to.
Most people see the Grease coming and just give in and take it nice and
slow....the way I like it. But not these two. At the first
sign of the Grease they panic and run for it. The media coverage this is
probably getting is going to blow everything out of the water. Time
to take a little more drastic actions.
HHH: Come on. Can't you stuff your face any faster.
And pay attention to the road. We need to get to Pitlick before Peter
Grease does.
----------
Tugnut: Hey Lance! Check it out. The WWWF has a new
wrestler by the name of Val Venus.
Tugnut: Yes.
-------
-------
Outside the U of O smokestack (that really needs no more phallic jokes
made about it), Pitlik & Tugnutt are waiting for Peter Greese, so they
can get down to dirty business.
HHH & GF are driving, and listening to the radio. (KBBL, natch!)
(by Junior)
Feeling that the pressures of being a lawyer were becoming too
much, our dear friend Harry decides to take some time away from work.
Immediately after winning the Mrs. Spankme trial (Slight oversight from
last episode), Harry decides to take an indefinate leave of absence to
join up with Roger Overnaught and the rest of his band.
Join the band.
(the band laughs)
(band looks at him curiously)
NR: Come in!
We now join our friend Harry Hiscock two weeks after our last episode
back stack of the Ballsuyahooza concert.
(opens door)
(they start making out. Cue porn music)
Laya dresses, and leaves...
HHH arrives at Mother Sucker's. He sees the entire band sittig there,
along with Laya. Laya & Roger are holding hands. The waiter comes over.
here.
Last episode the band was going on the road. We meet up with
them in Wawa Ontario, where they're making a pit stop for the night.
Harry is
at the front desk of Hotel WeecheeWawa.
reception: Oh thats your name, ok lets see, Ahh yes Mr.
Hiscock. Room 169. Can anyone help you with your bag.
<<
your the one responsible for Biggie Balls death. One more thing.
Whoever is doing this, has kidnapped Anna.