Behold: The second scene of my epic tragedy. If you didn't get/read the first one, go away.
ACT I
Scene 2
CAST
Jasonnicus
Loyal Follower
The Cowhead
The Geezer
Beavis
The Hot Chick
The Lunatic Chick
The Scary Chick
The Easy Chick
The Imp
Inside the Temple of the Cow
Jasonicus and Loyal Follower Enter
Jasonnicus: Why have you brought me to this place, the Temple of the Cow?
Follower: I have heard of an oracle in these parts with great wisdom that may help thee in thy quest. It is called the Cowhead, and is said to be omniscient.
Jasonnicus: I fail to see what benifits my already might brain can gain from the mind of a beast of the field.
Follower: Well, it was a very special cow.
Jasonnicus: How so? Does it have the body of some mystical beast? Is it blessed witht he body of a lion and the wings of an angel?
Follower: Well, no, it looks like a regular cow...
Jasonnicus: Well what's so special about it?
Follower: It talks for starters.
Jasonnicus: Oh.
Follower: But beware! The Cowhead of ultimate wisdom is guarded by a being so fearfully stupid that merely to look upon it my rot thy brain! Behold! It comes this way!
Jasonnicus: Let it come then! I am not afraid!
Beavis enters
Beavis: Hey, how's it going?
Jasonnicus: Thou shall not stand between me and my goal! I shall remove this curse that the gods have placed upon me, so that I may someday score!
Beavis: Heh heh heh. You can't score. Heh heh heh.
Jasonnicus: Begone, insanely stupid one, or I will smite thee into the ground!
Beavis: Umm...okay.
Beavis leaves
Jasonnicus: That was easy.
Follower: Verily, you are as cunning a diplomat as thou art a warrior. Thy bravery and strength are--
Jasonnicus: Save those accolades for later, dear Follower, for I am anxious to meet the Cowhead.
Follower: Very well. We shall continue.
Geezer enters
Geezer: I am the Keeper of the Cowhead. I am the one who brings it hay and protects it from horseflies. I have been caring for it since I was a young lad. Who art thou to bask in the glory of the great and wise Cowhead?
Jasonnicus: Art thou blind? I am Jasonnicous the Heroic! Let me past!
Geezer:(aside) Could it be? Our long lost son returned at last? But how would he react, finding that we are his parents and Beavis is his brother? Perhaps we shall keep this secret a little longer. (To Jasonnicus) Of course, Great Jasonnicus, come this way.
Jasonnicus: Now we're getting somewhere.
The Cowhead enters.
Cowhead: I am the Cowhead. Greetings, Mighty Jasonnicus. What knowledge do you require?
Jasonnicus: I require your reputable intelligence to grant me insight on how to break this nefarious curse the gods have so unjustly placed upon me. I must be able to continue my illustrious genepool, lest the world be made a far poorer place.
Cowhead: I see. Yes, the curse the gods have placed upon you is a devious one, for they have stripped away your bravey and courage itself.
Jasonnicus: Untrue! I have met the Manticore in battle without batting an eyebrow! I sailed past Scylla and my spine did not quiver! I met the Minotaur in battle, and although I did soil my armor, it was because I was sick!
Cowhead: They have not taken all of your bravery, just that which compels you to engage females in friendly banter and then to get them drunk and bring them into your tent.
Jasonnicus: Perhaps you have not seen the spirits the gods of plagued me with! Worse than the harpes!
Cowhead: Yes, I have seen them, and there are enemies aligned against you that you do not yet know about. Forces beyong your imagining have rallied to prevent you from ever knowing the pleasures of a woman.
Jasonnicus: Well tell me something I don't know. How, pray tell, am I to do to defeat these demons?
Cowhead: The curse is yours to break. Behold! An opportunity comes this way!
Hot chick, Lunatic chick, and Scary chick enter
Jasonnicus: Whoa! It's a hot chick!
Cowhead: You must go to her and make her yours. Go!
Follower: Yes, Glorious Jasonnicus, now is your chance! Got to that Hot chick and score!
Jasonnicus: Alright already! I can't work under all this pressure! Now wait, I've got to think of an opener.
Imp enters
Imp: (To Hot chick) Look upon Jasonnicus! Is he truly worthy of your hotness? All he has to offer you is a brain, sensitivity, tremendous manhood, and a humor rivaling that of Bacchus himself. He has no rippling muscles and no tattoos. He has never in his life vandalized or committed random acts of violence or taken drugs. Nor has he ever spent even a night in the dungeon! His alcohol tolerence is weak and he reeks of stability. Is this a man who is worthy of you?
Jasonnicus: Okay, I'm ready. Hi, I'm Jason the--"
Hot chick leaves
Jasonnicus: Dammit!
Imp: (To Lunatic chick) Look at Jasonnicus! So noble! So Proud! He will understand you! You cannot live without him! Go get him!
Lunatic chick: Jasonnicus! I love you! We shall live together forever! I cannot exist without you!
Jasonnicus: Begone from me, Lunatic chick! I do not wish to be infected with your insane cooties! Leave me in peace or I shall smite thee!
Lunatic chick: I shall stalk you for the rest of my life! We shall be together someday!
Lunatic chick leaves.
Imp: (To Scary chick) Behold Jasonnicus! He is so innocent and unsullied! You must show him what wonders can be wrought by a jug of wine, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and a circus midget.
Scary chick: Hail Jasonnicus! I wish to open up new worlds to you! Perhaps you'd like to join me in setting small animals on fire while pounding nails under our fingernails and smoking grass.
Jasonnicus: Away with you, Scary chick! I do not need to decend into your world of debauchery, even if it is for a quick thrill. My reputation as an untainted leader will be damaged, and besides, if I actually ever did score, I'd probably be too high to remember it.
Scary chick: You know not what you have passed up.
Scary chick leaves
Imp: My work here is done.
Imp leaves.
Jasonnicus: You see, Cowhead? I am cursed! The only females who will pursue me are the ones I cannot bear to be with for ten seconds! Methinks I need a chick like I need a third buttcheek.
Cowhead You cannot deny the world the gift of your seed. Perhaps you need to begin with one who will not be so difficult. Look yonder! An Easy chick comes this way!
Easy chick enters.
Jasonnicus: A lot of chicks sure come by here. Maybe I should hang out here more often.
Cowhead: Go now and take the Easy chick! She will be as difficult as dropping a brick and hitting the ground.
Jasonnicus: Very well! She shall be mine! As surely as the tides roll in, so shall I coax this chick into my tent! She shall not be able to resist my charms! The gods themselves will stare down upon me with envy a the good time I shall have! I will--
Follower: Easy chick, wilt thou spread thy thighs for me?
Easy chick: Sure.
Easy chick and Loyal Follower leave.
Jasonnicus: GODDAMMIT!
Cowhead: Don't worry. She'll be back.
Jasonnicus: I have learned all I can here. I must now go to kick the ass of my follower. Jasonnicus leaves
Geezer: Do you think he'll ever score?
Cowhead: I certainly hope so. It would be a great bane to us to have only Beavis to carry on our name.
Beavis: (From off stage) Help! Heh heh. I fell in the toilet again!