Everybody break out your ice cubes and the snowballs you've been saving since February, 'cause it's Titanic Day!
Since I'm sitting unemployed and with no real direction in my life at the current time, I've decided to make use of this hiatus in to take a look back at the 25 years of my life. Specifically, I want to catalog my history with chicks.
PSYCHO-EX: My first "girlfriend", the chick who landed me when I was a shockingly old 18.
Good Points: Easy, worshipped the ground I walked on
Bad Points: 14 years old, ludicrously unstable, used me as a crutch, wouldn't leave me the hell alone
Length of Relationship: 5 weeks (officially)
How Far I Got: 3rd base, through jeans
When I Knew It Was Over: When I would rather put my weiner through a meat grinder than spend another minute with her
What Qualifies Her As An Evil Ex: The fact that she pursued me for almost 2 years, ultimately forcing me to threaten police action if she didn't buzz off
What She's Doing Now: Last I heard, working in a factory in New Castle, living with her grandmother
SCHIZO-EX: A chick who had been my friend throughout high school, succeeded in scoring with me by my junior year of high school.
Good Points: Not afraid of new things, mentally stimulating, ditched a chick for me
Bad Points: Probably clinically schizophrenic with a grasp on reality about a strong as Clinton's will power, cold fish in the sack, let friends feel her up while I was in the SAME ROOM
Length of Relationship: 7 months (technically)
How far I got: All the way, baby! 6 times (over 7 months)
When I Knew It Was Over: When I couldn't pull more than token conversation from her for 3 months
What Qualifies Her as An Evil Ex: In a word, nuts, and as emotionally responsive as sandstone; also fleeced me for some big bucks
What She's Doing Now: In Boston, doing something called "Tornado Marketing", probably still nuts
Interlude Chick I: In the aftermath of my Schizo-Ex, I hooked up briefly with one of my ex-friend's Ex-fiancee. No big deal, just a one night grope. Made it to third base, though.
Interlude Chick II: Hopelessly flaky chick who was hot for me (as well as just about everybody else with a dick), but I still got to first.
Ex-Girlfriend-Turned-Evil-Backstabbing-'Ho: Freshman I met when I was a senior, closest I ever came to finding a chick I wanted to hitch to
Good Points: Intelligent, interesting, liked me
Bad Points: Abandonment issues, hung out with lowlifes
Length of Relationship: About a year and a half (more or less)
How Far I Got: All the way, many times.
When I Knew It Was Over: When I found out she was pregnant by somebody else
What Qualifies Her As an Evil Ex: Getting knocked up by a high school drop out petty criminal violent townie bastard.
What She's Doing Now: Ditched the townie because he was stealing money from her and had hooked up with another loser from her college days. Then she ditched him when she found out that he cheated on her with a guy. Then she hooked up with the guy he cheated on her with.
Interlude Chick III: Friend's Girlfriend's former roommate who I got the 3rd base with (through pants) with the help of my aforementioned friends. This was before I found out my Ex-Girlfriend-Turned-Evil-Backstabbing-'Ho got knocked up, but after I figured we were done (this was about the time she was busy getting knocked up).
Backstabbing Nutty Pseudo-Ex: The reason I still agonize over this, the coworker who basically came after me and then goes and does a one-eighty.
Good Points: Relatively smart, cute, dug me
Bad Points: Often at spoke in varience with the facts, backstabber (not just me, either), untrustworthy
Length of Relationship: Never officially acknowledged, but less than a month
How Far I got: Everything but, baby
When I Knew It Was Over: When she started sleeping with the big fat OTHER roommate whom she had previously bitched about incessantly
What Qualifies Her As an Evil Ex: Starting to do the other guy without letting me know (there was some overlap), suddenly hating me (probably a result of the inluence by the guy)
What She's Doing Now: Left Memphis and lardass; Current whereabouts unknown
That's it. My life sucks. I have officially screwed 2 chicks, got to second base or more with 4 more, and smooched another one. I got serious catching up to do.