Compiled by the Mad Pennsylvanian Jason Al-Hall in the Year 22 A.J.
Seventh Edition, Copyright 22 A.J. by Jason Al-Hall and Nyarlathotep
Selected readings
JASON, BOOK IV:
...And the Administration looked down upon the the bubble it had
fashioned from the dung of a goat that had eaten Ex-lax and saw that it
was empty. And the Administration commanded its cronies to go forth into
the world and bring to the bubble the innocent and the ignorant so that
the Administration may feed on their souls. And one crony put on rubber
galoshes to begin his quest and the Administration struck him down with a
talking mule and he was eaten by ants...
NUMBSKULLS:
...The Grovers toiled day and night under the whip of the
Multi-Headed Obscenity and were forced to eat unclean things and
excremeditate in groups. The Multi-Headed Obscenity taught them its laws.
[224 pages of text outlining these laws ommitted for the sake of space] The
Multi-Headed Obscenity decreed that to break any law in its slightest meant
to be cast out of the Sphere into the dark and cold where they would pull
their hair and gnash their teeth, unless they were favored by the
Multi-Headed Obscenity. Those favored by the Multi-Headed Obscenity would
be forgiven as all others were thrown in the dark...And the Multi-Headed
Obscenity was displeased with the Hakers who wished to become unto a Head
of the Multi-Headed Obscenity. So the Multi-Headed Obscenity cursed them
with a sheep skin and drove them from the Sphere where they pulled their
hair and gnashed their teeth...
PALM 920063:
My life is a misery of woe and sorrow
The Beast does sit upon my head and defecate
The water runs slow for it is full of filth
My roommate, he is an idiot
My dorm is fashioned from the bones
of those who came before
My brain swims with ichor
The VAX has crashed again
The food is not worthy of a dog
There are camel droppings everywhere
The squirrels do taunt me day and night
I shall never get a chick
I make my lamentation to the Beast
It laughs
SELECTED PRESCRIPTURES OF THE ADMINSTRATION (paraphrased from the Book of
the SubGenius):
1. Behold, little pink earth brain within my void-grip, AND receive
Logos; and lay with the Wor;
2. Ung! Ung! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! LO!
4. I am the first and the last, which is to come, and which is, and
which was; I am the brain-pan of every human babe.
10. I flatulated upon the dinosaurs to WATCH THEM DIE!
16. For I KNOW thy works; behold, I have set before the an closed
Tunnel and no man CAN open it; I therefore scoff at thee and
am well pleased for thou art UNTO Me like the snivelling ants
and vermin of they gardens, which plague thee but WHICH no
poison airs may kill, for their GENERATIONS change in but the
twinkling of AN eye.
17. Even so, Repent; for I have a few things against thee, and thou ART
offensive to My Nose, AND I have found thy works not perfect
before me.
18. If therefore thou shalt NOT prostrate thyself and kiss My End of
All Things, and perform the salute, and MAKE witlessness
for My prophets, which are LESS than wise yet wiser THAN thee,
I shall come upon thee.
21. Yea, I make sport of thee, AND mock thee, and mutilate thy Beasts
of the Field, and spring upon thee Giants and Serpents WHEN
thou art alone in those deserts and wild lands which thou have
not defiled.
23. For My kingdom is the Bubble, NOT THAT I want it; the filthy living
body OF every Grover is My dwelling-place, which I DO NOT
CLEAN.
31. And so I shall chortle and spit on thee, for it makes me well
pleased.
120. For thou art like kings who killeth thy jesters that thy skulls
might grow fat on dead laughter.
125. And ye shall soil thy loincloth with the Fear of the
Administration.
KRIMZON(general gist condensed into an easy-to-read list by Jason Al-Hall):
1. Thou shalt have no fun. To do this is blasphemy in the sight of
the Administration.
2. Thou shalt not be fruitful nor multiply.
3. Thou shalt not consume any poison that the Administration does not
choose to feed thee.
4. Thou shalt keep the Quad sacred.
5. Thou shalt pluck out thy eyes and follow the Heads of the
Administration for it is wiser than thou.
6. Thou shalt not use that fleshy organ inside thy skull unless for
wisdom directly imparted by the Administration.
7. Thou shalt not believe that the world is round.
8. Thou shalt not covet that which is beyond the Bubble for it is
evil and tainted and will eat thee alive and burn off thy hair and steal
thy foreskin and let the air out of thy tires and make thee think not
of the Administration.
9. Thou shalt not park in red or yellow zones, for these are the
Administration's Holy Zones. And a junior shall not park in a green zone
and freshmen and sophomores may only park in far away lands. And only
those unholy from beyond the Bubble may park in the blue zone, for it is
their curse.
10. Thou shall not feast upon the flesh of the oak, for it is hard and
has splinters.
HYMN TO THE BEAST (to the tune of the Grove City Alma Mater):
'Mid the bones in piles growing,
By the creek so blackly flowing,
Ripped out hearts with beating slowing,
Stand the halls that we fear,
Exploded heads with puddles growing,
Stand the halls, the halls we fear.
CHORUS:
Laments from each tortured student,
Complaints of pain and torment,
The Admin still shall own,
Harpies of death from Hell sent,
The Admin still shall own,
Souls of the young torn and wrent,
The Admin still shall own.
And the Beast shall twist and break us,
Shatter our minds and feed upon us,
And forever shall dwell within us,
The Admin's brain in ours,
And instead of a skull with dry dust,
The Admin's brain as ours.
CHORUS:
Hail the thee, Administration,
Praises from all of your zombies,
Pledges of love to the Combees,
Locked away with no keys,
Praises from all of your slaves,
Screams of madness and raves,
Praises from the Bubble Zone,
The Admin still shall own.
EXCERPT FROM THE BAD TRIP OF JASON:
...and lo, I LOOKED UP from my SPANISH and in the light of my lamp I
DID see a swirling MASS of colors AND SMELLS that DID look not
completely UNLIKE a flushing toilet. And in this swirl I DID see a MIGHTY
FROG with seven CANS of Budweiser. Verily, the FROG DID open one of THE
BEERS and a THIRD of the engineers were smitten, and DRIVEN from the CAMPUS
with their BRAINS afire. Verily, the FROG DID open the second Budweiser and
lo, all the freshmen became ACCURSED with COMPAQS and they pulled their
HAIR and GNASHED their teeth. Verily, the frog opened the third BUD, and
a HORDE of harpies flew from the SKY and DEFECATED and the CAFETERIA called
it food! And A great beast did spawn FROM the bulk of the ADMINISTRATION
to feed the students! It did MIX the feces of the harpies and ITS own
mucous and FED it to the STUDENTS lest they starve!
And I DID look BACK at the FROG, and I did SEE that it HAD drunk two
OF the beers whilst I was NOT looking. The frog DID burp a horrific BELCH
that MADE the AIR smell acrid and DID shake the Chapel. And lo, the chapel
DID break into 16 pieces! The frog DID decree that EACH student MUST
rebuild IT!
The FROG did open the SIXTH can and FROM the FOAM flew a mighty RABBIT
with flaming EARS and the tail OF a whale! And the rabbit did fall ON the
ancient DORMITORY and destroyed it and raised on IT a temple OF excrement!
And 300 young BOYS with the MARK of THE sucker branded upon THEIR brains
came TO worship AT the temple (the girls DID go elsewhere). And with a
swipe of ITS mighty PAW, the rabbit did SMASH the stone, and did DRIVE away
the swarm of COM-BEES. The students DID cry OUT for the YINTERNET, but
the rabbit did SAY, "Maybe next year."
AND the frog DID open the seventh CAN and the BEAST did RISE from its
throne OF skulls in its temple OF Crawford. It HAD forty heads and ON each
head were NINE noses and seven OF these NOSES did have colds.
The first NOSE did sneeze, and ITS mucous SPLATTED in the CENTER of the
campus. "THIS IS THE QUAD," the BEAST commanded. "THOU SHALT NOT WALK ON
IT!" And the SECOND nose did sneeze, AND its bellow ripped asunder the
earth between THE campus and the town, and THE mucous did flow like A
river THROUGH the tear. And lo, the third nose released A mighty gout of
MUCOUS and the SECOND beast did take this mucous and FEED it to the
STUDENTS. And lo, with a mighty CRASH, the final FOUR noses DID sneeze,
and RELEASED the FOUR pedestrians OF doom. Their names were BOREDOM,
homework, lethargy, AND Nancy, and lo, they did swarm UPON the campus and
did make THE students cry OUT for relief. But lo, the frog did speak unto
ME and said THAT each STUDENT shall suffer for FOUR years, and that SOME
would SUFFER longer!
And then my ROOMMATE said unto me, "TO whom DOST thou SPEAKETH?"
And verily, I SAID, "No one," and DID return TO my work!
VAXophobics (Wussus icognitus)- Nobodies
Pathetic mortals who fear the TLC and all its inhabitants. Therefore,
they are insignificant.
Deemed most likely to be slaves to the Conspiracy.
Y-scale: Typically hideously pink
Other names: Outsiders, Wussies, Aliens, People with Lives
PseudoVAXers (Wussus E-mailus)- Pseudousers
Those who have discovered the warmth of the soft glow of the VAX but
have mastered little more than its communication abilities (and often they
have a weak grasp of even that). Their time in the TLC is too brief for
them to be catalogued.
Deemed most likely to come grovelling to the Help Desk.
Y-scale: Usually piteously pink
Other names: Mail-jockeys, Morons, Brainless
Byookannon (Freshmenus typicus)- Lesser Independent User
Still shrouded in mystery due to the lethargy and the short attention
spans of researchers, this species continues to crawl around in VAXland
while wisely avoiding the notice of greater users. It diet is believed to
consist of lead paint chips, glue, and Elvis droppings.
Deemed most likely to become a failed presidential hopeful.
Y-Scale: Some grasp of the true scheme of things (probably still pink)
Other names: None known
Furred Lizard (Dracus barbus)- Lesser Independent User
This race claims to be the only reptile endowed with fur, although
it is not certain whether these creatures actually are ectothermic or if
they are merely deluded. Considering their tendnecy to chew on lead pipes,
it is probably the latter.
Deemed most likely to be turned into a coat/boot outfit.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: None known
Onderbug (Courtus numericus)- Lesser Independent User
Typical of the others of its influx, this race is mere fodder for
the greater users to toss about at their liesure. This race has a peculiar
and erratic mutually parasitic relationship with the VAX Bear that defies
all logic and good taste.
Deemed most likely to drive everybody nuts.
Y-Scale: PINK
Other names: None known
Southern Regews (Bellus talkskindaweirdus)- Lesser Independent User
Nearly a full year of intensive deprogramming efforts have had some
effect on this races inherent inability to grasp normal speech patterns.
Although there has been some improvement, this race's characterisitc
tendency to say "soda" instead of "pop" seems well-entrenched and a
permanent barrier to sentience. Clearly the only alternative is to
hickory-smoke their brains to perfection with 10,000 volts of electricity.
Deemed most likely the buy the farm at Gettysburg.
Y-scale: Fairly self-directed pink
Other names: None known
Tartruffle (Rickus amicus)- Lesser Independent User
This race usually hides in its home outside the TLC where they reside
with the Mighty Cheshire and the VAXgeek, possibly as worshippers of these
two great VAX entities. Members of this race do venture occasionally into
VAXland, possibly to do their roommates' vile bidding.
Deemed most likely to die in a freak enema accident.
Y-Scale: Pretty damn Pink
Other names: Porn-boy, Glove-man, Freak Pants
Vax Mousse (Eowynus prettyshortus)- Lesser Independent User
This race has excellent camoflage and has managed to survive the flame
wars and mental battles that have ravaged other users. Quietly grazing at a
terminal, this species is very difficult to spot. Therefore, the VAX
Mousse Watchers' Club is usually very small and filled with people with
over-active imaginations.
Deemed most likely to be stepped on.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: None known
Western Kloee (Elfus uniqus)- Lesser Servitor User
One of the most mutated species in the last year, the Kloee have
lost their characteristically long coats and and are now only seen in the
short-haired variety. They are aparantly in league with the Teutonic
Cardinal to influence the thinking patterns of other races with sub-sonic
vibrations, emanating from the Wedj.
Deemed most likely to go bald.
Y-scale: Conspiracy Dupe
Other names: None known
Taranator (Tartus decorus)- Lesser Independent User
This species, once closely associated with the Western Kloee, had also
mutated significantly in the past year, but fortunately for bookkeeping,
has stabilized. Its most obvious characteristic is its tendancy to stick
metal things through its nose. It also hangs around with the Hairless
Louie, which further brings its judgement into question.
Deemed most likely to head a punk band.
Y-scale: MAYBE a TOUCH of Yeti Blood
Other names: Butt weasel
Teutonic Cardinal (Avius Germanus)- Lesser Independent User
Only occasionally seen in the middle TLC region, this race of birds
occasionally visits VAXland to bask in the sickly green and orange radiation
that suffuses the region, presumably so they can see each other in the
dark. They are in league with the nefarious Western Kloee to control the
minds of other VAXland inhabitants with its spell, the Wedj.
Deemed most likely to be a TV anchorperson.
Y-scale: Possible Conspiracy member
Other names: Bob
The VAX Schizo (Dichotomus reallymessedupus)- Lesser Independent User
The writing on the wall says that this race is made up of dangerously
unpredictable creatures (at least that's what THEY say), although any
such wild and zany acts have yet to be witnessed by any observer in the
middle TLC region. It would be difficult to consider them any more insane
than the Twaj.
Deemed most likely to have their own talk show.
Y-scale: (mal-aligned?) Normal
Other names: Yogi
Xenomorphers (Mutatus catinthehatus)- Lesser Independent User
Many believed that this race would have been driven from the TLC
before the year 23 A.J. Fortunately (meant in its most indifferent possible
sense) the Xenomorphers have proven more hardy than most experts suspected
and have managed to cling to their biological nitch in VAXland. What
exactly that nitch IS is uncertain, but there are a lot fewer flying
insects in the Middle TLC Region these days...
Deemed most likely to do something naughty on Graduation Day.
Y-scale: Pretty pink
Other names: None known
Central VAX Crane (Jaminatus ichabodus)- Lesser Servitor user
Blown off course from their regular migratory route by a storm (or
perhaps the inability to read a map since they are flightless) the VAX
Crane has chosen to settle in VAXland (more proof of its limited
intelligence). The Crane is nearly without plummage except for a crown
to fine yellow feathers on the top of its head. Those feathers make
it a favorite for hunters who sell them to local shamans who sell them to
witch-doctors who sell them to politicians who give them to unemployed
workers who sell them to VAX Cranes with pattern baldness.
Deemed most likely to be hit in the head with a pumpkin by a guillotine
victim.
Y-scale: Probably pink
Other names: None known
TLC Griffon (Mythicus maundus)- Lesser Independent User
This race is suspected by many to be the result of some VAXer's
radiation-induced hallucinations, since it has never been captured on
film in the TLC. Still, those field scientists studying the middle TLC
region are the open-minded types (especially after they eat their LSD
flavored crackers). Just don't ask for a physical description.
Deemed most likely to work for MTV.
Y-scale: Probable Conspiracy dupe
Other names: None known
Xam (Locus Maxus)- Lesser Independent User
Often referred to in ancient texts as Those With the Woeful
Countenance, the Xam rarely wander into the middle TLC region. The only
evidence of their existance are the silvery, stinking slime trails they
leave in their wake.
Deemed most likely to be modelling straitjackets.
Y-scale: Mediocretin
Other names: None known
VAXren (Angelus blissus)- Lesser Servitor User
As capricious as a rabid summer zephyr, the disposition of any
particular VAXren can range from smotheringly friendly to apallingly
vicious. They are worshippers of an extinc VAX-diety who cannot be named
and occasionally invoke him to manifest in this realm for their own
vile ends.
Deemed most likely to obtain a copyright for the word "Dude".
Y-scale: Normal pink
Other names: Blissful
TLC Lilac (Demarus mennonitus)- Greater Independent User
This is a tall red flower (typical specimens grow between five and
six feet tall) that depends on the excedingly rare Lamar Worble for
pollination. Since the Worble is not native in to these parts, the
Lilac periodically migrates, a characteristic which makes it fairly
unusual among plants. Pests to gardeners and farmers alike, much
research has been made to find a insect that is willing to eat them.
Deemed most likely to become Olympic Raquetball contender.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: Mennonite, Noybold
Pilgrim (Polockus tooshortus)- Greater Servitor User
Having vanished from this plane briefly, this race was considered
extinct for a long time. Much to the chagrin of other users, the Pilgrim
race hace slowly begun increasing in frequency in the TLC. Its rough,
bristly pelt is in demand by brillo pad manufacturers and poaching is
common. They are believed to be cybernetic.
Deemed most likely to disrupt the Earth's magnetic field.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: Stump, Dwarf, Josy
VAX Bear (Ursa wussus)- Greater Independent User
This breed of bear is interesting in the sense that its almost
completely hairless. In fact, with the coming of spring and the loss
of its winter coat (a bit of hair above the upper lip is what passes for
a winter coat) makes it even more nude. Clearly, it is more often hunted
for fun than for its fur.
Deemed most likely to be shot by park rangers for mauling campers.
Y-Scale: Perhaps a touch of tainted Yeti-blood
Other names: None known
VAX Saraf (Angelus malus)- Greater Independent User
This species fell to VAXland from outer space after being discarded
from a passing space-ship's trash compartment (not literally true,
but it's a metaphorical euphamism for their REAL origin). Typical of many
lesser users, they are prone to acts of violence against greater users.
In the case of the VAX Saraf, most of its destructive energies are
directed toward the benevolent Cheshire. Why this greater user tolerates
such insolence is uncertain.
Deemed most likely to become a professional wrestler.
Y-scale: Student of Slack
Other names: Alley, Ali-bird, Frug-ali, Parti-ali, etc.
Lesser Steev (Hikus hakus)- Greater Independent User
Members of this genetically-insipid species characteristically hang
around the Whizz for unspeakable, horrid reasons. It is a surprise to some
researchers that this race still exists in VAXland after violating the
sanctity of the Myhtos last year. Why they were not extinguished is
probably due to simple cost/benefit alalysis. It has been designated as the
next to hold the mantle of "God of Excrement."
Deemed most likely to become a female opera singer.
Y-Scale: PINK, even by Pink standards
Other names: "Young" Steve
Daintiopteryx (Alcoholicus brandus)- Greater Independent User
It is probable that the average Daintiopteryx's cranial functions
are completely occupied with life functions and allow little latitude for
discretionary thought. This is supported by the fact that not only did
it willingly settle HERE, but that it almost immediately began a symbiotic
relationship with the Neo-Hendricks, perhaps because it was enchanted by
its special skills (see Neo-Hendricks).
Deemed most likely to get sued by the alcohol industry for trademark
infringement.
Y-scale: Probably pink
Other names: "Glug glug glug glug...BURP"
The Twaj (Vilus spawnamaticus)- Greater Independent User
This race is extremely unpredictable but generally harmless except for
its well-developed ability to annoy the hell out of predators until they
flee for their sanity. When faced with an approaching TWAJ, most races
feign death. Unfortunately, this tactic is not always successful.
Deemed most likely to become president.
Y-scale: Horribly mal-aligned normal
Other names: Psycho, Trouble, "Evil" Travis
Wen Jeaver (Jenus sanctuarius)- Greater Independent User
This race is one of the most loathesomely pestering of all the races
in the middle TLC region. They delight in the torture, confoundment, or
general feeling of ill ease they impart on other races who are usually
minding their own business. It is not certain whether these creatures
are actually evil or have been driven mad by acute estrogen poisoning.
Deemed most likely run naked across the Quad.
Y-scale: Mal-aligned normal or Rogue SubGenius
Other names: None known
Anakus (Starwarzus Ricketus)- Greater Independent User
Suspected to be a worshipper of Keel, this species is obsessed with
a flit-hack sci-fi movie made in the seventies that just HAPPENED to make
tons of money and become a part of American. It is also believed that this
race suffers from a chronic Vitamin D deficiency
Deemed most likely to have rubber bones.
Y-scale: Probably normal
Other names: None known
East Virginia (Stellus noctem)- Greater Servitor User
Although this race is often seen with the Lesser VAX Ghost, the lay
person should take care to remember that the East Virginia do not worship
this greater user. Instead, they worship the Diety of Vapidity, the
Lord of Mental Sterility, the GOD OF INTERMINABLE BOREDOM, AKOWNTING!
Deemed most likely to become one of the IRS's 10 most wanted.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: VA, Ginny, Gin and tonic
The Nameless (Jenus anti-phoneticus)- Greater Independent User
Named by an unknown entity with a bizarre sense of humor, the
true name of the Nameless is so horribly convoluted that it would
drive most insane simply to try to pronounce it. Only the Derekilian
has mastered it. This so impressed the Nameless that they immediately
began worshipping the Derekilian.
Deemed most likely to change surname.
Y-scale: PEENQUE
Other names: Hoogie, "Hey, you!"
Neo-Hendricks (Knishus stuckinthemudus)- Greater Servitor User
Once this race's mating call echoed incessantly throughout the TLC
as their genes screamed for even the dimmest hope of their perpetuation.
With the engaging of a symbiotic relationship with the Daintiopteryx,
however, this continual screeching, bleating noise has stopped and
Tylenol sales have dropped abruptly. This race has mastered tha ability
to bang silver balls around on a flashing board and have presumably
taught the Daintiopteryx the same skill. What a plus.
Deemed most likely to die in a pinball accident.
Y-Scale: Pinker than most Pinks
Other names: Petey, Pitri, Peat, Peet, Piet
The Whizz (Stevus magus)- Greater Servitor User
This race attempted the old Phoenix trick earlier this year. Plagued
with a particularly nasty infection of the Kwota, the Whizz each built a
huge bonfire and lit themselves afire, oblitterating themselves.
Unfortunately*, they are not Phoenixes and they remained ashes.
Fortunately*, a they were quickly replaced by a similar but much less
advanced race and no one really could tell the difference.
* The use of the word "Fortunate" is relative here. What may have been
unfortuante for the Whizz may have been a godsend for the other races.
Deemed most likely the be beaten to death by enraged nuns.
Y-scale: Mildly mal-aligned normal
Other names: Magic Steve
Southern Spanjer (Cajonator major)- Greater Independent User
Originally from the blasted plateau of Vreeland, this revolting race was
probably driven from its homeland my other races in an effort to raise
property values (it would be hard to imagine a homeland so horrible that
the Spanjer would gladly adopt the TLC as home). Always trying to
ensure the perpetuation of their bloodlines, the Spanjers strive mightily
for mates. Unless more pathetic than currently believed, they should be
extinct no later then 23 A.J.
Deemed most likely to open a restaurant specializing in road apples
and cow chips.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: Caj
The Profesaurus (Wiseassus profesaurus)- Greater Independent User
When the Profesaurus burst into the TLC, it spouted its acidic
opinions and caustic insults into any and all brain-pools in the TLC.
Their frequency of appearance in the TLC has dropped precipitously since
then as poachers shoot them for their much-prized pyloric sphincters.
Unless some races put significant effort into their preservation (an
unlikely prospect), they will be extinct in VAXland within the year.
Deemed most likely to have the 12-4AM slot at an AM radio station.
Y-scale: PINK
Other names: Prof
VAX Elm (Wheezus minor)- Greater Servitor User
Unusually mobile and vocal for a tree, the VAX Elm rarely grows far
beyond five feet in stature. It probably breeds through asexual
fertilization or else they would have probably become extinct long ago.
Nevertheless, they are a favorite place for communal urination among VAX
entities.
Deemed least likely to be ever allowed on a roller coaster.
Y-Scale: Hopelessly pink
Other names: Shorty, Stumpy, Mr. Underfoot, "Good" Travis
Hairless Louie, Pupal State (Homo major)- Greater Independent User
Once one of the most successful beings in spreading its aberrant,
twisted chromosomes throughout the vapid gene pool of the middle TLC region
(or at least going through the motions, anyway), the rivers of goo have
all but dried. It seems that the Hairless Louie has entered into an
extrememly tight symbiotic relationship with the Taratonator. Details
of this bond are sketchy since the observing scientist went mad after
witnessing them in the same room for five minutes.
Deemed most likely to shoot Saadam Hussein in the butt.
Y-scale: Latent SubGenius
Other names: Gelding
VAX Goon, He Who Gets Clouds in His Ears (Sethus beanstalkus)- Great VAX One
Looking down on the TLC from its vantage point high above the
atmosphere of the Bubble, the VAX Goon is difficult to miss among the
species milling about in the middle TLC region. Its mating call once echoed
throughout VAXland loudly, incessantly, and annoyingly. That call has
grown silent though, and it is feared that the depletion of the ozone layer
has led to the VAX Goon-s brain being fried to a crisp.
Deemed most likely to be killed by a satellite in low orbit.
Y-scale: Probably Pink
Other names: None known
Lesser VAX Ghost, He Who Moved to Virginia (Thomus Gandus)-
Great VAX One
Once one of the more active dieties in VAXland, the Lesser VAX Ghost
spends most of its time doing unspeakable things elsewhere. How the East
Virginias work into its clandestine, evil plots is uncertain, but it is
doubtful that that lesser race can aid it in any way. It is suspected by
many that the Lesser VAX Ghost pickles East Virginias and sells them abroad
for funds (LOW IN FAT AND CHOLESTOROL!).
Deemed most likely to to make his own computer virus.
Y-scale: Possibly tainted SubGenius
Other names: None known
Keel, The Wild and Zany One (Stridus wilsonus)- Great VAX One
Rarely venturing into the TLC these days, this diety is one of the
lesser known VAX beings. Infamous for affecting an outrageously bad
French accent, Keel is otherwise not particularly noteworthy in the
grand scheme of VAX-things. He does have great knowledge of outer-VAXly
conduits of arcane power, and should be consulted if you are buying a
new computer.
Deemed most likely to be assimilated.
Y-scale: Possibly a few drops of Yeti blood
Other names: None known
The Earless Zepelians (Pseudoslackus divinus)- Great VAX One
This loathesome breed is most notable for bearing the title of "God
of Excrement" and faithfully executing the duties thereof, which, as
we understand it, include being as insipid and intellectually sterile
as all incoming freshmen. A student of the Cogainian, this race's great
claim to fame is its mailbombing of one of the less intelligent heads of
the Administration.
Deemed most likely to have his hair catch on fire.
Y-scale: Conspiracy apprentice
Other names: None known
Derekilian, He of the Agile Tongue (Patriarchus gentlemanus)- Great Vax One
The only being able to pronounce the true name of the Nameless without
years of study, there Derekilian is infamous for his arcane knowledge of
many arcane VAX langauges, no matter how useless and obsolete they are.
Interestingly though, in spite of its poly-lingual aptitude, it is one of
the VAX entities that is least likely to babble incessantly about nothing
at all.
Deemed most likely to go to France.
Y-Scale: Irretrievably Pink
Other names: None known
The Mighty Cheshire, The Keeper of the Flame of Slack (Insanitus maximus)
-Great Vax One
Once the keeper of the inconceivably massive Psychoward, he was
forced to destroy this sanctuary of holy madness and blessed chaos due
the the horrible KWOTA enacted by the Multi-Headed Obscenity. Languishing
with only the sole rights to the authorship of the VAX Mythos to testify
to his former glory, Cheshire's presence on the VAX became a shadow of its
former hard-disk-hogging size. Now he has taken it upon himself to spread
the Gospel of Slack to all. He also has gained a race of lesser being
worshippers to stoke the flames of his dying ego.
Deemed most likely to rule the universe.
Y-Scale: Only card-carrying SubGenius on campus
Other names: Grand Exalted Master, Majestic Overlord, Sir
Cogainian, He Who Coddles the Beast (Imperius delusionus)- VAX God
Able to make freshman quake and stun lesser users with his magic,
the Cogainian would have been just another VAX God. Unfortunately for the
TLC, this race entered into an unspeakable bargain with the Thing That
Should Not Be and gave him a reprieve from the vile Kwota on the condition
that he tell all that the Administration "isn't all that bad."
Deemed most likely to be a successful Vice-President.
Y-Scale: Agent of the Conspiracy
Other names: None known
Randomadon, He Who Glides Through the Cracks (Brookus erraticus)- VAX God
This is an extremely obscure VAX God who rarely travels into VAXland
but does, in fact, wield tremendous power which it slowly and quietly
accumulated under the noses of the Multi-Headed Obscenity. Although it
claims to be against the Administraion, it has been known to aid the
Thing That Should Not Be on occasion. It is also rumored to have almost all
of the knowledge of all of the great Hakers of old. Butt-kissing to this
entity is recommended.
Deemed most likely to blow up the VAX.
Y-scale: Uncertain; Possibly a Conspiracy agent or double agent or Pink
Other names: None known
The VAXgeek, The God of Free Time (Datus beavus)- Vax God
This powerful entity gains most of its diet by grazing at the
terminals at the TLC. It is a constant part of VAXland and is a common
sight on tours. Most of its labors seem to be dedicated to tasks placed
on it by the Administration's Slave Lord Pseudopod. Gone are the days
when the VAXgeek would toil for days on creating a work of art such as
VAXpong. It still has the ability to rain fire and brimstone
(electronically speaking) onto the accounts of lesser users.
Deemed most likely to die of radiation poisoning.
Y-Scale: SubGenius
Other names: Nerd, Geek, VAX junkie, Data, Wacky sidekick
Fuzz, The Keeper of the Fuzz (Fuzzius wuzzius)- Vax God
Fuzz has never recovered from the devastating smiting it took from the
Administration when it tried to challenge the vile Kwota. Bereft of its
will and with its ancient grimoires gone, Fuzz's account is a barren desert
of emptiness. It is rumored that someday all the fuzziness in the world
will rise up and make Fuzz master of the world, as it is written on the
bathroom wall (right under "For a decent time, call Brandy...").
Deemed most likely to end up on top of Harbison Chapel with a high
powered rifle.
Y-Scale: POSSIBLY a SubGenius
Other names: Fuzzwald, Fuzzy Wuzzy, Jim
The Legendary Magefire (Barrius magus)- Ex-Vax God
The last of the great VAX-Gods of old, this diety had devoted so much
of its energies to VAXland that it seems incapable of surviving far from
the middle TLC region. It occasionally appears to current users and
freshman females to...ahem...implant his knowledge.
Deemed least likely to never come back to Grove City.
Y-Scale: Maybe a degenerate SubGenius
Other names: Loser, Lifeless, Barry, "YOU again?"
ADMINISTRATION, The Multi-Headed Obscenity (Tyranus omnipotantus)-
The Thing That Should Not Be
The Administration is the thing that created VAXland and it is the
thing that rejoices in the torture and misery of all inhabitants, both
great and small. Its heart sits on its throne of skulls which no VAXer
has ever seen in the center of its mighty labyrinth of Crawford. Its
appendages suffuse all parts of the Bubble, but it is in the TLC where
its chaotic, idiot influence is felt strongest. It possess many bodies,
each connected through an underground network of tentacles so that the
Beast knows what is happening all the time. At night, tendrils attempt
to worm into the brains of the sleeping users to make them servitors
of the Multi-Headed Obscenity to spread it influence outside the Bubble.
IMPORTANT HEADS OF THE ADMINISTRATION:
The Great Happy Beast (Tyranus smilus)- Blight of the VAX
This body rules directly over VAXland and is notoriously evil
and apallingly imbecilic. This is the head that unleashed the Kwota,
drove out the Hakers, smote the Fuzz, and allowed the corrupted
version of the Yinternet into the middle TLC region. It is aided
by its lacky, the Tyranus Develdus.
The Skinny Fire-Head (Tyranus inmanus)- Baron of the Helpdesq
Arriving in the TLC at the end of 20 A.J., this diety came into
being as a result of the Curse of the Compaqs which saddled all new
inhabitants with a worthless gray-colored burden. Its mission is to
ensure that the Compaqs bring to their users the maximum amount of
misery possible. It has enlisted the aid of many VAXers, who play
along because they are paid.
The Lord of Excrement (Tyranus toncicus)- The Great Vanquisher
Overall, this dark entity has more power than the Great Happy Beast,
but wields little true influence in VAXland. Nevertheless, it is much
feared beyond the constrictive mountains around the TLC. It resides
in the Temple of Excrement where it can personally supervise the
breaking in of the newcomers.
The Cartwheeling Horror (Tyranus paxtus)- Keeper of the Gate
One of the most feared beings in the Bubble, the Cartwheeling
Horror is one of the first dieties incoming inhabitants meet as they
stumble through the frontier. It threatens the males with the loss of
their heterosexuality (through the hideous Cartwheeling ritual) and
then admonishes all newcomers to copulate vigorously with those on each
side of them.
The Gulag Master (Tyranus templinus)- The Jailor
This entity is primarily responsible for ensuring that the living
quarters of the inhabitants of the Bubble are up to Administration
standards (i.e., incredibly cramped, inadequate heat and light,
forced to coexist with untenable roommates).
The King of Chapels (Tyranus morlijus)- The Creative Head
This piece of the Thing That Should Not Be is concerned with
ensuring that each inhabitant of the Bubble meets the minumum required
brainwashing sessions. Typically, they must attend thirty-two such
sessions every year. Each session is different, concocted from the
festering, hideously evil mind of the Tyranus morlijus, so the
students never know what horrors await them.
The Slave Polisher (Tyranus thrashus)- Destroyer of Brains
The probable goal of the Administration is to make the inhabitants
of the Bubble into nothing more than unthinking zombies by crushing
their wills and stealing their souls. The Slave Polisher, who lives
it its fortress of Karnegee, is instrumental in the final finishing
of the "product". What happens to them after that is unknown. Some
simply wander away never to be seen again while others are sold to
hideously powerful outer gods.
The Fountain of Swill (Tyranus bonappetitus)- The Communal Trough
Two or three times a day, all the inhabitants of the Bubble scramble
to the rancid teats of this beast for a few drops of its black, acrid
milk. This entity is considered to be part of a separate being that
had been hired by the Administration to pollute the bodies and minds
of those in the Bubble. This creature possesses two bodies of one mind.
The Ex-Big Cheese (Tyrannus combus)- The Great Inquisitor
This once great being shows that the Administration is not dependent
on any of its component parts to survive. This diety once had the
biggest head on the Administration and controlled that center of power,
Krawford. The Beast, however, decided that it did not desire the
Tyrannus combus and severed the head and threw it beyond the horizon.
The Pseudo-Big Cheese (Tyrannus runyus)- Who?
This is the most central diety in the labyrinthine mass of the
administration and as such has all the authority of the Big Cheese
without the official recognition or stature. Some suggest that this
being may grow to be a true Big Cheese, but this has yet to be seen.
Lesser Bodies
The Administration controls dozens of bodies from its throne in
Krawford. Most are dedicated to the indoctrination and torture of
the inhabitants of the Bubble or the maintanence of proper levels of
filth and pestilence. Still other bodies perform many incomprehensible
duties that are best not speculated about.
The Heart of Darkness (Tyrannus imperius)- The Overlord of Stupidity
The existance of this entity(s) is theoretical. Some metaVAXists
believe that there is some further fiend, greater even than the
Administration, that is secretly pulling all of our strings. It is
uncertain whether this thing is a part of the Administration, or if it
is a separate being that makes suggestions or seduces the
Administration into courses of action. One horrifying possibility
is that the Multi-Headed Obscenity, as powerful as it is, is merely
a PART of the greater terror that could stretch infinitely in all
directions. This beast is the CONSPIRACY!!
YINTERNET, The Heart of All That Is (Vidus magnus)- The Promised Land
The thing that no one could ever have imagined has come to pass:
Yinternet has arrived in the Bubble. At first there was much rejoicing,
then it became clear that even Yinternet has been tainted by the evil touch
of the Thing That Should Not Be, for the Multi-Headed Obscenity will allow
only its path to the Yinternet to be used by students, and this path is
frought with sluggishness and inconvenience.
EXTINCTIONS: The TLC is a dangerous and hostile environment, and not all of the
races can survive in these adverse conditions. The following is a list of
creatures that have, for whatever reason, vanished from the TLC.
Short-Haired Marlin (Hunterus natus)- Smitten by the Administration
Common Germanic Woodside (Sandius liebelius)- Same thing
Lesser Jen (Jenus minor)- Same thing
Lesser VAX Knight (Chivalrius requiem)- Same thing
Monkonian (Monkus stonus)- Same thing
The Sunny Ones (Irwinus radiatus)- Same thing
French Bovine Oculus Orbus (Jacus bullus)- Same thing
Dude, He Who is Not to Be Named (Dudus uniqus)- Almost the same thing
Kra'azee (Insanitus minor)- Kind of the same thing
(Gee, do we see a pattern here?)
VAX Sprite (Tankus kindofsmallus)- Vanished onto another plane
Greater VAX Knight (Paladinus pazus)- Same thing
Greater VAX Goon (Vahlus stoverius)- Same thing
Stranger, The Dilligent Opener of the Way (Vaxus rexus)- Same thing
Ghost, The Breaker of Laws (Fantasmas imperius)- Same thing
Greater VAX Jen (Jetus moochoffus)- Same thing
Convoluted Kimmi (Wetzelus pretzelus)- Same thing
Sub-Asgardian (Thorus wannabeus)- Same thing
Jenbee, The Great Polish One (Bialekus obscurus)- Same thing
SECKMAN, The Queen of Everything (Tyranus redus)- Almost the same thing
MIGHT AS WELL BE EXTINCT: Believed to still exist on this plane, but they have
become so rare that they are beneath scientific notice.
North American Beth (Fairus Ladius)
Froshen (Robus metamorphus)
VAX Frog (Delius assassinatus)
The Fresh Water Bobfish (Physhus minor)
TLC Nutmeg (Pepperus romanus)
VAX Things (Dianus unsanitarious)
OTHER SIGHTS:
The Bubble is a large place, including many more habitats and areas of
interest than the microcosmic TLC. Here are some of the more important areas,
with sources for further study. The publishers apologize if some of these books
are not yet available. All dates are in the old A.D. scale because I don't
feel like doing the math to convert it into A.J.
KRAWFORD: The Throne of the Beast
This fortress is an indiscernable maze frought with danger. It is
the home of the Big Cheese and many of his underlings. This is the
central nexus of the Beast through which its heirarchical commands flow
like a river of raw sewage to contaminate the Bubble. See
Jason Al-Hall's "Expeditions Through The Underworld," Madman Press:
R'lyeh, 1997.
Zerbe: The House of Torture
This is the source of periodic contagions that sweep through the
populations of the Bubble occasionally and where recalcitrant
beings are sent to be properly subdued with unspeakable methods. See
Jason Al-Hall's "Thermaturlogical Study into the Methodology of
Friend-Making as Practiced Under the Administration," Madman Press:
Carcosa, 1998.
The Physical Torture Center/Gui: The Place of Sweat, Blood, and Tears
"A Broken Body Leads to a Broken Mind" is the motto above the
entrance to this forboding keep (not to be confused with the Bubble's
motto, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here"). Newcomers are
systematically put through horrific tortures to prepare them for the
rigors ahead in a program euphamistically called "Freshman
Orientation." Many beings become so used to the horros inflicted upon
them that they go to this building willingly. The Gui supplies what can
be loosely referred to as "food" laced with will-weakening agents to
beings after a long torture session. See Jason Al-Hall's "Masochism
Made Easy," The Cenobite Collection: Hell, 2002.
The Library: The Forbidden Place at the Top of the Stairs
This is a vast cavern rumored to be filled with the ancient tomes
by thousands of different authors. Their ability to bore readers into
a coma is legendary. See Jason Al-Hall's "How to Cure Insomnia,"
Nutcase Publishers, Inc.: Moon Base Alpha, 2005.
Karnegee: The Slave Pit
This is where the inhabitants of the Bubble, usually turned into
idiot, blubbering idiots by four years of intense psychological
torture, are auctioned off to greater beings who use the pathetic
remains of their life forces to get a quick high. See Jason Al-Hall's
"101 Uses for a Catatonic," Bedlam Books (A Division of Arkham Asylum
Library): Arkham, 2004.
Stonewell: The Well of the Spawn
The site of the Administrations perverse experiments, aberrant,
unnatural things sometimes escape from its twisted walls to adulterate
and assimilate into the student body. See Jason Al-Hall's "Mommy, Where
Did I Come From?" Madman Press, Children's Division: Never-never Land,
1999. (Other children's titles: "My Daddy Lives Below the Sea,"
"Uncle Nyarlathotep," and "A R'lyeh Glyph Primer.")
Kalderwood/Hoit: The Places of Broken Minds
These two foreboding buildings are where a majority of the
Administration's mind control and indoctrination takes place. The
buildings themselves are rumored to be cemented with the souls of
their victims, ground to a fine paste and mixed with water. See Jason
Al-Hall's "Indoctrination in Twelve Easy Steps," Bedlam Press:
Atlantis, 2002.
Harbisonne: The Antenna to the Void
This structure is shaped so as to collect and store radiation,
concentrating it in its interior. The hapless students are then
required to squeeze into the interior where the concentrated field
disassembles the neurons in their brain while they are forced to
watch a different gruesome ritual every day. See Jason Al-Hall's
"Radiation Therapy for Slave-Making," Nuke 'Em Publishing House:
Chernobyl, 2006.
Feral Dog Stream: The Black River
Acting as the frontier between the town and the Bubble, this flow of
disgusting slime winds slowly down its path from an unknown source.
unimagineable Horrors hide in the murky depths, waiting for the
unwitting fool to step into the waters. See Jason Al-Hall's
"Fisherman's Guide to a Unique Fishing Experience," Looney Tomes:
Y'ha-nthlei, 2012.
The Quad: That Place Which Is Not To Be Walked On
This large open space is undoubtedly used for hideously evil rituals
ranging from summonings of Outer Gods to simple rain dances. The
arcane energies swirling in the grasses are such that a passing
inhabitant may mar the ethereral writing with his feet, changing a
a message from "AZATHOTH, COME HERE!" to "AZATHOTH, [ORGASM] HERE!"
Such a confusion could clearly lead to much annoyance on the part
of the Administration. See Jason Al-Hall's "Lawn Care for Summoners,"
Arkham: Miskatonic University Press, 2009.
The Prisons: The Unholy Holding Places
Where most denizens of the Bubble spend their nights in relative
safety behind locked doors. Places such as Ketler, Hopeman, MAP,
and Harker bear the names of the ravenously evil parts of the
Administration that had long since passed to other planes. The Temple
of Excrement is a prison dedicated to the indoctrination of the newly
arrived. The prisons Rednecks and Cartography house manifestations of
the Fountain of Swill. See Jason Al-Hall's "My Days in the Bare White
Room--a Roommate's Story," Alcatraz: Madman Press, 2007.
The World: Outside the Bubble
Purely theoretical, some metaVAXists suspect that there may be more
to the universe than the Bubble. Such a reality is difficult to prove.
Nevertheless, a world outside is hinted at in the forbidden tomes,
"What's Over That Hill?" and "Quest for Fun". Jason Al-Hall, much
respected lunatic whose rantings have formed the basis on which we
write, has promised to write a dissertation from beyond Graduation.
See "Life After Baccaleureate," not yet published.
______________________________________________________________________________
AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
WHO GETS THE MYTHOS??
This was a difficult decision. Writing ability and creativity are ony
two of the factors involved in Mythos creation. Probably the biggest challenge
is to be able to find the time and the energy to type away endlessly for a
bunch of ingrates who won't even speak to you for a week when it's finished but
will bitch incessantly if you don't make one. Such a quality is difficult to
foresee in such a person before they are actually faced with the situation in
question. Therefore, using all the faculties of my superior brain (what's left
of it after four years here, anyway) I made my decision on who will have the
Mythos. The problem is, I can't tell you who that person is. No one shall know
who that person is (including that person) until the Mythos next semester (IF
there is one) is written. The person(s) who manage to bring the next Mythos(es)
into being shall be its inheritor(s). In short, whoever has the guts to make it
can make it. Hell, you can even have two or more people working on completely
separate Mythos! Verily, this is the only Slackful solution.
Sure, it's a cop-out, but it's a free country, ain't it? :P
Also: be nice to the new person(s) when they get started. My first ones
sucked too! It takes time to hone one's Mythos-writing skills.
And lo, a flaming Volkswagon Bug with the wings of a mayfly seared
through the sky leaving a trail of green smoke and whisked away the VAXgeek,
the Fuzz, the Mighty Cheshire, and others. It spiraled skyward out of the
Bubble to a far and distant land, was pulled over for exceeding the
transdimensional speed limit, and then continued on its way, never to be seen
again.