In the off-chance that you've either been comatose, in a durg-induced stupor, or in Tibet for the last two years, I'll give some background. There is the group of five talentless (yet cute) women who were recruited to "sing" together in a group with the approproately profound name "Spice Girls". There names are Ginger Spice, Posh Spice, Baby Spice, Scary Spice, and Sporty Spice. They became ludicroulsy famous world-wide and endorsed everything but landmines, making money hand over fist. Their incessant babblings about "girl power" and their seemingly bottomless energy and cheerfulness have driven me to the brink of suicide several times. Fortunately, their evil influence seems to be ebbing a bit threatening to send them into an oblivion of obscurity with only their millions of dollars to comfort them.
The purpose of this writing is to outline some of the "Spices" turned down by Sata--I mean, the organizers of the Spice Girls. You might see these women in a possible Spice Girls part deux groups (God Forbid).
Barbie Spice: Blond hair, perfect measurements, only does it with groupies named "Ken".
Dyke Spice: Butch haircut, always dresses in men's clothing, always gets into barfights and wins.
GI Spice: Like Dyke Spice except wears fatigues.
Old Spice: 94 years old, gets around with a walker, made brief appearance in the video "Wannabe".
Druggie Spice:Looks the part, with track-marks better defined that Sporty Spice's bosom, shoots up on stage, tells kids to stay away from drugs.
Brainy Spice:Has an IQ of 89, by far the most intelligent Spice Girl.
Stupid Spice: Just sits there and drools.
Schizo Spice: Makes appearances in a straitjacket, one of the more original singers.
Bulemic Spice: 5'8" tall and weighs 74 pounds, pukes on the eager audience at every performance.
Satanic Spice: Striking resemblance to Marilyn Manson, sacrifices an audience member at every performance.
Sickly Spice: Always appears wrapped in a blanket with a box of tissues, shivering and generally looking like hell.
Vice Spice: A smoking, alcoholic, gambling prostitute, gets all of the really cool endorsement deals.
Dead Spice: Makes appearances in a coffin, needs to be re-embalmed frequently.
Gangsta Spice: Don't take no shit from nobody.
Expectant Mother Spice: Always looks 8 months pregnant, gets publicity from "name my baby" contests every month.
Nerd Spice: Independently wealthy through her business, Microspice, which makes computers perform as well an Apple IIC.
Jesus Spice: Constant feuding with Satanist Spice, famous for turning beer into ale.
Transvestite Spice: Has a beard and an adam's apple, best-dressed of all of the Spice Girls.
Evil Spice: Makes Satanist Spice look like Mother Theresa, sets small animals on fire on stage.
Nice Spice: Sort of like Baby Spice, but more nauseatingly innocent.
Morose Spice: Always gives lackluster performances, lags behind he rest of the group, as energetic as a rock.
Siamese Spice: Two Spice Girls for the price of one.
Alien Spice: Grey skin, large black eyes, large head, occasionally abducts the other girls.
Talented Spice: Yeah, right.
Written 1997 by Jason Hall