"KILL"
Without a doubt, ASU is best known for its aggressive, physical football team. As soon as opponents see the burgundy and black uniforms, their will to play crumbles. In the '97 season, we won half of our games through forfeit. Sadly, the Thugs will be barred from the '98 season because one creative and enterprising running back brought a gun out on the field and used it to clear the way to a touchdown. Fortunately,we've managed to facilitate the re-entry process.
"We crack 'em, you tag 'em"
Another sport in which the ASU excels is, predictably, hockey. In a style that is as direct as it is brutal, the Icers are nearly as dominant in their league as the Thugs are in theirs. Because of the acceptance of violence as part of the game, our hockey players encounter fewer problems, though stabbings on the ice still draw penalties.
"Hit and Run"
The greatest difficulty we have with the baseball team is convincing them to only hit the ball with the bat. Once they believe that the ball is the enemy, however, home runs are as common as muggings in Harlem.
Basketball: Due to what players perceived as "wussy-assed" rules, we dissolved our collegiate basketball team, though we have maintained dozens of intramural teams. Life and medical insurance is required of all players.
Swimming: Because Alcatraz has a natural training ground for swimmers, we plan to organize a team within the coming year. A previous attempt was scuttled when the entire team drowned. It seemed that the water was a bit chilly so the coach encouraged the swimmers to put on winter clothing for the swim.
Back to the ASU homepage