And the Lord God looked down upon the universe that He had created. He beheld the infinite curtain of darkness pierced by the sharp white light of infinite stars and galaxies. Then beheld the Earth. He beheld the deep blue oceans, teeming with fish. He beheld the hills that rested under a blanket of verdant green and the animals that frolicked in His garden. He beheld the clouds as they lazily rolled overhead and the birds as they cut through the air. He beheld his greatest creation, that of humankind.

"Man," He said. "This place sucks. A whole week's work down the tubes. There's got to be something I can do to spruce this place up."

And so the Lord God pondered this question. It weighed heavily on His mind. He thought about the problem as He sat on His throne. He though about the problem when He bowled. He thought about the problem when he played Poker with Lucifer. He thought about the problem as He played catch with His Son.

Then one day, while He was banging a nun (which is OK, because as everyone knows nuns marry the Church), it struck Him! He would bless the Earth with a paragon of divine coolness. Surely, such a blessed child would make the Earth worthwhile again.

And lo, the Lord sent the angel Gabriel unto a woman of questionable virtue and said unto her, "Behold the glory of the Lord! In the year you know as 1973, you will be blessed with the Paragon of Divine Coolness who shall bring the world into a new age of coolness. You shall call him Jason. Well, that's all. Gotta go."

But the angel was careless, and did not notice that the woman was asleep.

And so it came to pass that the woman of questionable virtue and her husband with equally questionable virtue had conceived a son on their parents' pull-out bed. He was named Jason, although this was probably coincidental to Divine Will.

Jason, bereft of the guidance of parents who knew His true nature, grew into a man knowing only that others feared Him because of His infinite coolness. Even the Lord God had been distracted, instead becoming obsessed with the connection between kiwi fruit and quasars.

And then one day, Jason decided that the world would never be cool enough to justify His presence on it. He bought a lot of guns and holed Himself into the highest building He could find. It took 75 federal marshals to bring Him down.

That's how the prophecy goes, anyway.