If you're anything like me (and unless you're a single-celled silicon-based alien from another galaxy, you probably are), you've heard the old maxim that all women have a tendency to be bisexual, whereas that other gender--the one that can stand up to piss--does not. I hear it almost everywhere. On TV, on the Radio, and from my male friends. So what's my take on it? I think the next sentence will sum it up in my typically careful, non-offensive manner.

If there's a better non-religious, non-political example of fantasy entrenching itself as reality in the pea-sized brains small-minded morons, I don't know what it is.

Sweet screamin' swollen monkey asses. Why oh WHY do people insist that their dreams of what reality should be are more than dreams? It gets me so agitated I just have to go and beat up an immigrant from a some political enemy of the U.S. Unfortunately, since the Cold War ended, the list of enemies got a lot smaller, and it's just so darn hard to tell Libyans from Egyptians. I bet that no-good pizza delivery boy is lying about his origins...

But I digress. 

I will now debunk the myth that chicks have any special proclivity toward bisexuality when compared to men. The first assumption I will assail is the idea that "all" woman are bisexual. Now I have never had the unique privilege of experiencing the Curse of the Double "X" Chromosome first hand, although my observance of those afflicted have made me very, very glad that I got a "Y" thrown into the mix. Nevertheless, I have spoken to many such people and even cavorted with some, although that was a long time ago. In many of these conversations, I come out and ask them, "Do you have any lesbian urges from time to time?" The vast majority have responded with an unqualified "no". Of the three who answered in the positive, two were definitely complete nutcases, and the last one probably was. Based on the fact that I've actually taken the time to SPEAK to these supposedly "all bisexual" entities, I'd have to say that the balance of evidence swings away from the horny frat-boy ideal.

"Duh," says the cross-eyed, overweight moron with the backwards baseball cap, "how come all of the strippers and porn stars are bisexual?"

Because they're SLUTS, you idiot! They'd probably fuck a retarded elephant with gonorrhea for a cup of coffee and a donut! The fact that they're fucking YOU clearly shows that they're not that discerning! I get the impression that a lot of the dumber, weaker-willed chicks are convinced that they have to be bi in order to keep their lard-assed beer-swilling brain-dead boyfriends. I've noted before the strange attraction to lesbians for us guys, and I can easily see some wussy, codependent little lady knuckling under to her dickhead boyfriend's insistence on bringing in another chick. Obviously a bi chick (or one that's willing to pretend) would get more of those high-class guys or get farther in porn than a straight one, so that could explain why a lot do it. Are there bi chicks in the world? Absolutely, but it sure as hell ain't ALL of them.

I'll spare you the chicks-constantly-dump-me-for-guys-who-are-about-4-steps-lower-on-the-Evolutionary-ladder rant, although I REALLY feel like getting into it.

So anyway, let's say that you're a complete idiot and that you don't believe me. I shall now crush the other half of the theory, that the incidence of bisexuality in chicks is greater than that of men. My evidence against this equally stupid assertion is the fact that in our current society, male homosexuality is frowned upon at best, met with deadly force at worst. It wasn't always that way, though. In the heady days of ancient Greece and Rome, guys were EXPECTED to be bisexual! Hell, in Sparta, a city known for kicking ass, guys slept with each other so much, on the wedding night, a bride had to dress like a man to ease her new husband into the idea of sex with women! Another city's army was formed out of pairs of male lovers who fought extra hard for each other. In Rome, nobody cared if you made out with a guy. If I was a little more interested in anthropology, I could come out with a whole list of cultures where homosexuality was at least tolerated, if not celebrated.

While I'm on the subject, the chicks on the Island of Lesbos were known to be great lovers of MEN, not chicks. I don't know when the meaning got switched around, but I bet it had something to do with some medieval frat boy getting his semen-covered hands on the writings of some Greek chick named "Sappho", who talked a lot about her emotional ties with other chicks. Was she bi? Dunno, and neither does anybody else.

Anyway, given the current "we hate gay men but love gay chicks" mentality in our society, any guy who feels a little interested in doing it with another guy, even as an experiment, would have to be either mad or really horny. I know only one fellow male who has admitted to hosting a little sausage party with a friend. Heck, he even explored the fudge mine! (Incidentally, this is the same guy my ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho shacked up with after ditching me for a Neanderthal.) How many guys do you know would admit to doing something like that? I sure as hell wouldn't, and I normally don't give a flying lump of cockroach dung what people think of me. I would propose that men are at LEAST as bisexual as women, if not MORE. "Male bonding" gives guys the perfect excuse to hang out alone in the woods and be close buddies. I'm also told that 90% of men have homosexual fantasies, but I've heard of no corresponding fantasies with chicks. Therefore, men are at least as likely to be bi as chicks, but due to societal constraints, they are taught to suppress whatever little urges they have. Then there's the argument that in the absence of cultural norms, people would fuck each other regardless of gender. I wouldn't know about that.

And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise.

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