Ewwwww.

As I think I've amply established by now, I like the sight of a hot-chick's bod as much as the next guy...unless he's gay...or blind...or a eunuch... In fact, I may like it even MORE than the next guy. I never pass up the chance to take a longing glance at some model unless there is some pressing business at hand ("Hurry, Jason the Heroic! If you don't push that button the world will explode!" "Okay, I'll be right--OOOO, Victoria's Secret catalog!"). I suppose that it's almost a compulsion, but it's not like I'm doing crack. If they're flesh and not photographs, though, I usually ogle the face. I'm also not turned on in the least by gynecological close ups. I'm just sick that way...

So addicted am I to the female form that I have my browser set up to a site that features a different bikini-clad chick a day. Well, they're sometimes not clothed in the strictest sense of the word, but the bottom line is you can't see any real nakedness. I can live with that, since television hasn't completely destroyed my imagination yet. What I can see in my mind's eye is better than anything my real eyes can see. It doesn't always turn me on, but more often than not it's a good start to my surfing experience.

Today was something different, though. The chick they showed was in the buff except for knee-high snakeskin boots, but the naughty bits were strategically hidden. She gazed at the camera with a sensuous "come hither" look. That was OK.

The only problem was the fact that she was SKINNY! My God, I didn't get a stiffy, I got the urge to give a dollar to UNICEF! If you put her in mud and made her look a little more...well...Somalian, you've got a tear-jerking news magazine cover, not a pinup!

I'm not one of those "Make love to the whales" lard fetishists, but it wouldn't be an awful thing to have a little padding on the skeleton! I want a little space in between my love bone and the chick's pelvic bone, if you know what I mean. After all, if we got stranded somewhere, I want it to be worth my while to cannibalize! And people say I'm not romantic...

As with everything else in my life, I take the middle-of-the-road, moderate approach. Not too big and not too skinny is my approximate weight range. Boobs are a definite plus, but artificial boob enhancement is a definite negative. If I want to play with water balloons, I can do that without having to buy them dinner or jewelry or flowers. All in all, I would say that 70% of the women in my age group fall into the Minimal Physical Parameters set by the Imperial Harem Admission Commission. Unfortunately, this does not take fake mammaries or birth as a male into account, both of which automatically put them in the "Not a chance in hell" category. I guess that the chick on the site was cute enough from the neck up, but I'm just over come with the urge to force-feed her a box of corn starch.

"Wait a minute," shouts the chick with 200 facial piercing and a shaved head, "you evil men with your devil-penises make us get all skinny like that!"

Yeah, SUUUUURE we do. We take away your food and lock you in a dungeon to starve. We pump your stomachs while you're sleeping. We sneak Olestra into your food. Golly we're evil. We say, "If you don't get all stick skinny, we're going to withhold sex until we get our way!"

Are there guys in the world who insist on banging only skinny hot chicks? Absolutely. Are these guys shallow self-centered pricks? Certainly. Why the hell should a chick care about how some shallow self-centered prick feels? Maybe I'm the weirdo for not choosing to blame others for my "issues" (actually I blame most of them on my parents, but I'M right). Sure, I'd LIKE to have huge muscles, I'd like to be taller, and I wish I had less hair on my belly, but I'm not going to kill myself if don't achieve physical perfection. If you've pinned your entire self esteem on your waistline, who's fault is that?

Not mine. If you've got the personality and/or intelligence of a cod, no amount of hotness is going to save you. A couple extra pounds? I can live with that. The mind is the deal breaker. Yet amazingly, I cannot score. Why?

Because chicks want a big tall hot guy with greasy hair and big muscles! My self esteem is shattered!