My (alleged) mother, the person who I thought was at least partly responsible for my voracious intellect, iron clad convictions, and the firm foundation of logic underpinning my worldview, has casually announced that she has become a WICCAN! AUUUUGH!

This proves two things. First, my wonderful brain is the result of chance rather than any genetic material or environmental conditions associated with my (alleged) mom. Second, a mid-life crisis mixed with estrogen is a very dangerous thing.

I can't believe it. My own (alleged) MOTHER is a spell-casting, broom-riding WITCH! She's no doubt off dancing nude in the woods around an idol of Satan! She's feasting on stews made from unbaptized Christian babies! She sets puppies on fire in order to coax her dark master into ruining the crops and livestock of those who displease her! GASP! She could be at a black mass right now, plotting against me!

"Excuse me," a sheepish voice says. It's the nerdy-looking guy in front row. I've been saving a special brick for him. "Have you actually researched Wicca at all?"

Why would I want to do that? Why do RESEARCH when you can rely on hysteria and rumors? By golly, if hearsay, myth, and unfounded accusations are good enough for the rest of the world, why not me? Why the hell should I always be the sole burning light of reason in the vast night of ignorance? Aren't I entitled to give my beleaguered mind a break and let it just flow with the tide of stupidity?

ALRIGHT, I'll do the fucking research! Thank God for the Internet...

Well, I did it. My main source was, http://www.witchvox.com/basics/wfaq.html, and it's exactly the kind of New Age mealy-mouthed swill I expected. Example: "Scientifically speaking, color is energy...Many Witches feel that wearing black attracts and holds more natural energy," and who could forget "Spells, then, are the channeling of our own divine selves, our own energies, to create the change." I tend to believe a little more in the laws of thermodynamics, thanks.

All in all, it sounds no better or worse than any other religion (New Age or otherwise), but that's not the issue. I would be just as appalled if my (alleged) mother suddenly became a LUTHERAN and attended church on a weekly basis. It's all an arbitrary crap shoot and an emotional high you get from deluding yourself into believing you're part of some special club.

If it was anyone else, I wouldn't care. I'd shrug and say, "Who the hell cares if they delude themselves? As long as they're not killing and embezzling."

But his is my (alleged) mother! I've heard about religious conversion, but I never thought it would happen to someone I lo--well, a close acquaintance! It's like AIDS or rabies or bankruptcy or yeast infections. You hear about it happening, but you usually don't know anyone it's happened to (or at least anyone you want to continue acknowledging). I'm SOOO disillusioned. Why oh WHY couldn't she have just gone on being religiously neutral? At least she's not a lesbian...yet.

This is almost as bad as the time I found out my beer-swilling, pick-up truck-driving, country music-loving (alleged) father was into opera!