Love is ravaging our society today. Most babies are born addicted to love, exposed to its chemicals while in the mother's womb. There is a treatment for it, though. We here at Love Bitch Anonymous have developed 12 simple steps that will lead you to freedom over the evils of Love. All you need is a special LBA hammer (available for $99.99), and a will to succeed.

STEP ONE

Admit to yourself that you are powerless over the forces in your brain that make you feel Love. Every day when you wake up, say "I will not fall in Love today." If you feel tempted by Love, hit yourself in the head with your LBA hammer. You'll find that this may be the best way to knock some sense into yourself.

STEP TWO

Turn to a religion. They have centuries of experience in squelching thoughts related to Love, and in cases like these it is best to go to the experts. Just don't get two deeply involved, or we'll have to send over a couple of "professionals" to beat some more sense into you.

STEP THREE

Make a commitment to logic. Vow to yourself that you will not act on emotion if it is contrary to your interests. If you find yourself feeling the urge to act impulsively, hit yourself on the head with you LBA hammer. When you regain consciousness, the feeling will have passed.

STEP FOUR

Make an unflinching inventory of your relationships. Look back on the old Loves of your life and see where you allowed your drug-drowned brain to lead you down the dark path of pain and self-destruction. Be sure to interview friends and take their memories of you being an idiot to heart. Whenever you feel a warm thought in association with the past Love, have a friend slam your head in a car door.

STEP FIVE

Admit the exact nature of your wrongs to yourself or a friend. Start with the source (hint: it starts with the letter "l") and come to grips with how you could have done things differently. Roleplay with someone you would never consider screwing, and have them hit you in the head with your LBA hammer every time he/she senses your wavering resolve.

STEP SIX

Become entirely open to God and recognize that only He can fix your faults. Humbly ask Him to forgive you and remove your shortcomings.

STEP SEVEN

That last one was a TRICK! Hit yourself in the head with your LBA hammer!

STEP EIGHT

Make a list of all those you may have hurt or slighted while in your relationship. The slight may be as simple as not drinking with your buddies so you can cuddle with your Love. Do not count people you've turned down for dates or sex while in the previous relationship. Hit yourself in the head with your LBA hammer every time you list one such person.

STEP NINE

Make direct amends wherever possible to those you may have injured. Take special care to try to heal the wounds caused to people you may have helped hook up. You may need to strike them in the head with your LBA hammer.

STEP TEN

Be always vigilant for regressions into attraction and Love. Always keep your LBA hammer with you should the twinge of Love strike you again. Remember, you will be a Love addict for the rest of your life, and only constant vigilance will keep you from falling into a life of sex, marriage, and children.

STEP ELEVEN

With your new spiritual awareness, spread this message to others. If someone approaches you with Love on his/her mind, encourage them to attend an LBA meeting. If that fails, then strike him/her on the head with your LBA hammer and drag him/her to us.

STEP TWELVE

Send me $50.

On the completion of these steps, you will surely have driven the demons of Love from your brain with the prescribed series of blows to the head. You may notice loss of memory, motor coordination, vision, and speech skills, but these are only a symptom of how Love has ravaged your brain.