Aboard the Bunchov. First Mate and Sailor 1 enter.

First Mate: Sailor 1! Come to me quickly! There is a vital matter that must be attended to.

Sailor 1: Yes sir! Is the caterpillar that resides in thy pants again in need of release of fluid lest it burst?

First Mate: Uh, actually, yes, but there is a bigger problem afoot! Fetch Jasonnicus and his Scribe at once!

Sailor 1: Yes sir!

Sailor 1 leaves.

First Mate: Methinks that this quest for the Golden Sheepskin is becoming more dangerous everyday. Were it not for the nobility of the quest and the tight buttocks of my fellow sailors, I would quit this adventure forthwith!

Sailor 1, Jasonnicus, and the Scribe enter.

Sailor 1: Behold, I have brought Jasonnicus as you requested, First Mate.

Jasonnicus: What is so important, First Mate, that you should wake me from my slumber. I was just dreaming of banging Aphrodite, too.

First Mate: Pray, forgive me, Mighty Jasonnicus, but the danger is nigh! We are approaching the isle of the Sirens!

Jasonnicus: Ha! I fear not these Sirens! Let them assault me with all of their force, and I shall bitch-slap them back to Crete! I have dealt with their type many times, and every time have been victorious.

Scribe: Perhaps, First Mate and Sailor 1, you should go below decks to our cargo of cotton. We will need to plug the ears of the men so that we may pass safely.

First Mate and Sailor 1: With pleasure!

First Mate and Sailor 1 leave.

Jasonnicus: Now what the hell is a Siren?

Scribe:  They are beautiful creatures with lovely singing voices that bewitch the hearts of men.

Jasonnicus: Well, unless they're singing country music, how bad can it be?

Scribe: Their music is so beautiful, men will turn their ships into the rocks and dash themselves into the surf.

Jasonnicus: Well survivors get to score, right?

Scribe: Nay, Jasonnicus! Any survivors are slain and eaten! No man has seen them and lived!

Jasonnicus: Hmm...and the plugs of cotton will protect us?

Scribe: Aye. Although the song is so beautiful as to even bewitch the likes of the Greeks, a simple cotton stopper will shield their fragile minds from the ravages of these evil demons!

Jasonnicus: If the ship will sail safely, then I alone will hear their song!

Scribe: Jasonnicus, that is madness!

Jasonnicus: I have fought many a horrid beast and wicked man, but I'm no Peloponnesian! I shall have the men tie me to the mast, so that no matter how the music may conquer the will, the ropes shall prevent me from doing anything rash. I recognize that for all of my strength and nobility, something as simple as a woman's song may defeat me.

Scribe: Thou art wise, Jasonnicus!

Jasonnicus: Where are those two knuckleheads, anyway?

First Mate and Sailor 1 enter.

First Mate: Apologies, Jasonnicus! I came as fast as I could!

Sailor 1:  I helped!

Jasonnicus: Distribute the cotton to men, and ensure that they plug their ears. But first, you must tie me to this mast!

First Mate: Oh, Jasonnicus! 'Tis not a labor at all!

Jasonnicus: Bind me fast, followers, for I shall not be robbing any man of cottony salvation. I shall hear the Sirens' song.

Sailor 1 Thou art brave indeed, Mighty Jasonnicus!

First Mate: There, though art bound tighter than a boy at his deflowering.

Jasonnicus: Now hurry, men. Fill the ears of the crew with cotton, so the Sirens's song will find no respite there.

Scribe: What?

First Mate: We are off, Jasonnicus!

First Mate and Sailor 1 exit.

Jasonnicus: Behold, Scribe, I hear the Sirens! We are fast approaching their island! It is a beautiful song indeed, if only you could hear it. Nevertheless, I don't feel the need to throw myself onto the rocks.

Sirens enter.

Sirens: Hail, men of the Bunchov! Come to us! Heaven awaits you!

Jasonnicus: Ha! That's what the brochures said about Lesbos!

Sirens: Is that the Noble Jasonnicus we hear? Come to us Jasonnicus! You have been forsaken by all women...except us! We shall love you Jasonnicus! We shall score with you as no woman has!

Jasonnicus: Duh, like I haven't heard THAT before. Keep trying, ho-bags.

Sirens: We have beer!

Jasonnicus: Beer?

Sirens: Yes, beer. How long has it been since you have taken a long deep drink of ice cold beer!

Jasonnicus: It had better not be Coors Light!

Sirens: No, Jasonnicus! We have a wide selection of the finest microbrews!

Jasonnicus: I must resist!

Sirens: And pizza!

Jasonnicus: AUGH! Crew! Release me! Scribe! Take thine eyes from the scrolls and release me from these ropes!

Scribe: What?

Jasonnicus: Release me!

Scribe: About four, sir.

Jasonnicus: Curse my ingenuity! If it were not for my mighty cunning, I could be drinking beer and eating pizza!

Sirens: Hurry Jasonnicus: Your ship is fading away in the distance! Soon you won't be able to share our beer and pizza!

Sirens exit.

Jasonnicus: No! The song is fading! I have never had a greater thirst for beer, and never has by stomach yearned so much for pizza! It's unbearable! I must...I must... Behold! I can no longer hear their song! I am no longer under their spell! Only now do I realize that no one delivers pizza to this part of the Mediterranean! HA! I have defeated the Sirens! Scribe, untie me at once. Scribe? Scribe, unstuff thy ears! Scribe! Goddamn it!