I figured it out. I finally discovered the root of all of my weirdness. My inability to score, my fascination with tarantulas, my iconoclastical world view, my bitter distate for fanatics of all stripes, my inability to delude myself into happiness... Yes, it all comes down to one terrible fact.

My parents never let me have Legos as a child.

Oh sure, I begged, I cajoled, I bargained, I even threatened to blow stuff up, but alas! I had no Legos. What child can be expected to grow up sane without the benefit of the colorful blocks, so easy to put together and yet so stable? What imagination can't help but be nourished to incredible heights by those plastic blocks of happiness?

Instead, what did I have to play with? DIRT, that's what! Dirt, and occasioanlly a bug! No wonder I'm warped!

Sometimes I imagine what I could have been if only I had had Legos to guide my youth. I could have been an architect or a surgeon or a millionaire based on the skills I will have learned playing with my Legos. I have no doubt that by now I would be married with my 2.4 kids. They'd be reading Steinbeck by 6 months, because I will have bought them Legos as soon as they were conceived. In any case, I'm sure I'd be happy and wealthy. I'd probably have a nice house in the burbs, an adorable golden retriever, and a big smile on my face every darn day of my life until my heart explodes when I'm 85.

Instead, I haven't scored for years, I have tarantulas as pets, I live in a moderately okay apartment, and have a barely decent job. All for want of Legos!

The real tragedy of all this is that one of my old college friends now works for the company that makes Legos, and could get me a discount. Oh, the bitter irony!

So why did my cruel parents rob me of the joys and advantages of Legos?

I'm not really sure, but if their stories of life before my mighty birth are to be believed, all THEY had to play with was dirt. Some would call them traditionalists, but I think they just don't want me to surpass them in my life. Little do they know that I have made it my life's mission to become wealthy and powerful and famous and then have my REVENGE! HA HA HA HA!!

Of course, that would be a lot easier to accomplish if I had had Legos as a child...