People annoy me. They really do.

Actually, they don't usually annoy me personally. Most people I have actually met don't annoy me in any particular way. After all, I think I'm pretty damn easy to get along with.

"People" in a nonspecific sense, though, manage to embody all of the most irritating, grating, exasperating, nettling, abrading qualities the human race can muster come bobbing to the surface faster than an attack submarine under a Japanese fishing boat.

So what has caused my annoyance gland to disgorge its contents of the powerful hormone annoyanol-9?

It strikes me as ironic that in a world where tens of millions of people are starving (or at least robbed of the joy of McDonald's), people can go around saying, "I don't like to eat that particular food because it's not spiritually fulfilling."

Sweaty rat asses to that! That's what I say! Why the HELL do people feel the need to make some big political and social statement by arbitrarily limiting their menus? Why can't they just eat FOOD, within the limits of good sense? I don't get it.

The most common type of picky eater is the vegetarians. I have nothing against vegetarians in the strictest sense of the word. Hell, if you want to not eat meat, then enjoy. What the hell do I care? It's a little weird, silly, and arbitrary, but as long as you're not killing and embezzling, knock yourself out. You can live a perfectly healthy life without eating meat, and will be much healthier than the moron who eats nothing BUT meat. Of course, it depends how far they take it.

Is it completely necessary, though, to force yourself to vomit if you realize a few drops of chicken broth fell into your soup? Is that little bit of animal protein going to KILL you? The vegetarian who says, "a pork rind falling into my tofu won't hurt anything," is OK in my book. The kind that freaks out at the sight of meat is a prime candidate for the looney bin.

Then there are the vegans, and they're ALWAYS bad news. They're the ones who have usually managed to turn their diets into a political statement by aligning themselves with some group of crackheads like PETA or environmentalist groups.  If you're so wrapped up in your own little political cult that you let them regulate what you eat, vex me not with your foul stench of vegetables. It's annoying enough when they make a big deal about their dietic piety, but they also try to convince you to join their ranks through any means at their disposal. You are what you eat, they say, and vegetables are pretty stupid.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any nuttier, there are the FRUITARIANS! These COMPLETE nutcases believe it is wrong to exploit poor, innocent vegetables in the name of filling our empty stomachs. They insist on only eating fruits and some kinds of nuts. According to the wonderful sites I've seen on the web, Fruitarians claim that eating non-fruit foods are responsible for virtually all cancer and diseases, including AIDS. Perfect health can be yours...if only you can eat 7 pounds of fruit a day. Let's look at some other quotes from fruitarian websites, shall we? All grammatical and logical errors are lifted directly from the site, as proof of the damaging effects of excessive fruit intake on the brain.

"Eat lima beans, peas. Limas are better than potatoes. Potatoes grow under the ground. Just as a potato avoids the sunlight, its biochemical effect on us when we eat them is that we want to avoid the sunlight."

"A green thumb comes to those who love plants. The plants feel it, and grow more quickly around those who love them."

"Only fruit contains the seeds of eternity.. as compared to the bones and grease left from a meat meal, the eggshells left after the bird's spirit has flown and her potential body been consumed."

"Meat comes from butchered animals. Vegetables comes from sacrificed plants. Dairy products are stolen. Only fruit is gently and totally given. Compare the screams of agony in a slaughterhouse.. to the silent growth in the orchard.. as fruit trees weave and spin the sun into pink peaches, golden pears, bronze nuts, limes (whose crosssections look like stained glass when held up to their sire the sun)."

"No matter is needed to ground Spirit. In addition Spirit can manifest in any being. However, there are optimum diets for the transmission of Spirit, its grounding, alighting, descent, the Touch Down, just as platinum wiring is better than copper wiring is better than rusty old wiring. Fruitarian biochemicals ground God's lightning. Heavy thoughts create a desire for heavier food. Light thoughts create a desire for light food. When one is tired or angry or depressed that is the time for the greatest discipline. "Expand in response to pain"."

"Just as the infra-red to ultraviolet light spectrum increases in frequency from red through orange and yellow to green blue and violet, so in fruits and foods in general. Therefore, limes are better than lemons. Violet grapes are better than crimson cherries."

That is just a sample of the logic of these fruitcakes (no pun intended).

I've also noticed that most of your vegetarians and vegans are chicks. What the hell is up with that? Are they getting enough protein through giving guys head? Is it some bizarre rejection of the evil male establishment? Is it another symptom of estrogen poisoning?

God, can't people just eat a reasonably balanced diet? If they're not grazing, they're going to the other extreme by following that equally idiotic Adkins diet! This doesn't even touch on those crazy religious restrictions. Sometimes people just make me want to stab myself in the head!

I must admit, though, that even I have limits to what I will eat. I don't, for example, eat anything on fire. I also won't eat anything that might bite back. I will also refuse any food that I know to be laced with arsenic, cyanide, or any bodily secretions that aren't my own.

I also don't like to eat fuzzy fruits. I don't know about you, but there's something unholy about fruit that's masquerading as mammalian. Peaches, kiwi, zucchini, they're all in Lucifer's fruit bowl. Consequently, I won't ever say that I'm "Peachy," unless I've turned to the worship of Satan.

I'll say that I'm "Nectariny."