So I was working out as I often do in my probably futile yet continuous quest to get a chick. I finished, totally buff of course, and strolled into the locker room to peel off my sweaty clothes. Little did I know that a fairly large group of guys had decided to take a shower at the same time. It was then that I came to the conclusion that there are few things in this world that smell worse than a bunch of guys showering. I wanted to hurl.

That got me thinking. To be honest, I have no idea what chicks see in guys. I mean, hell, if we have that disgustingly musky smell, then I don't know how they can keep from gagging. On top of that, we've got hair galore. I saw one guy who looked when step removed from a gorilla. Heck, he had more hair on his back than on his head!  Thank God that's one curse I managed to avoid.

Then there's the BEARD! If we shave it, 6 hours later it has the consistency of sand paper. If we don't, it becomes a trap for food. That benefits us in the sense that if we're hungry, we can just pick the food out of our beard and eat it, but I don't think chicks would go for that.

Guys are also predisposed to grow big fat guts. I don't know how sex is even possible when they grow that spare truck tire on their abdomens. I mean, hell, your gut is where the chick is supposed to be!

On top of that, many are violent, ignorant morons. Oddly, chicks seem to LOVE that, but I'm not bitter.

Of course, I'm nothing if not brutally fair. I don't know why men like chicks! I know that I do, but I can't explain why other than a cruel genetic trick played on my fragile mind. In their natural state, chicks are almost as hairy as guys, although mercifully they're compelled to pluck it for the sake of our society.

Chicks also grow big butts. Although this isn't nearly as inconvenient as having a huge pot belly, its no fun. And what's the deal with boobs? They're blobs of fat for Chrissakes, and yet, our poor brains are hardwired to dig 'em. Ironically, that's the only part of a chick where fat IS appreciated. Guys have no such exceptions.

Then there's the most damning problem with chicks of all: The fact that they hemorrhage at least once a month unless they're too old to screw or, God forbid, pregnant. Egad, it's kinda yucky when the ultimate target of our affections is oozing blood a good proportion of the time. I like my beaver without marinara sauce, thanks.

Well, whatever. I don't get it. I can't think of an uglier part on either gender than their genitalia. It's all slimy and hairy and smelly. Curse our feeble brains for being slaves to our hormones!

I guess you can tell I haven't been laid in a very long time.