I've discovered the key to all of the dumbness in the world, at least as far as English speakers are concerned. You won't believe how simple it is. No, it's even simpler than sniffing glue or being born in Kentucky. Heck, it even explains why people who for all intents and purposes seem quite intelligent can cling to the most idiotic notions and philosophies.

It boils down to one simple, evil word.

"Should."

The audience mutters a collective "Huh?"

The word "should" is the single greatest root of all idiocy, barring being dropped on your head when you were a baby. This simple word slams cognitive doors shut. When one says something SHOULD be a given way, he/she immediately dismisses all constructive arguments and puts on a block of reality. Sounds kind of intense for that one syllable little word? Allow me to illustrate the point.

Say that one of my worshippers says, "With your stunning intelligence, huge schlong, and adequate looks, you should be scoring at least a few times a year, Jason!"

I answer, "But I'm not."

"No, but you SHOULD BE!"

Well thanks for exactly nothing. "Should" is the watchword of the brain dead moron who thinks the world should be a given way, but can't think of of how to logically get it there. These are people who like to bitch without getting their hands dirty actually DOING anything (all those rich brat protesters in Seattle come to mind). Some great examples are: "People should all love each other!" "There should be world peace!" "There should be no starvation!" "A movie like Eyes Wide Shut should never have been released!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. Should I kill you? Yes, I think I should...

"So if we shouldn't use should," says the dumbass near the fire exit, "what should we use?"

Sometimes I don't know why I bother. 3 "should's" in one sentence.

Instead of "should", use it's much more useful cousin, "could." The word "could" naturally begs for a course of action. "Could" demands a way to bring your goals about. That's why fanatics never use it. The example:

"Oh mighty Jason," says my worshipper, "with your incredible wisdom, mythical trouser snake, and par-for-the-course appearance, you could get chicks if only you would leave your apartment once in a while and go meet them!"

"By golly, you're right!" I say.

See the difference? We COULD achieve world peace if we killed all but one person on Earth. We COULD get everyone to love each other if we could get them high on heroine all the time. We COULD end starvation by shooting and eating someone as soon as they complained about being hungry.

Then, of course, there's "would". Yes, the sickly song of the forlorn. This is the word you use if you know what you want is either impossible or in the past. It's better than the arrogant "should" but weaker than the utilitarian "could". "I WOULD have banged that chick if only she didn't have a thing for criminals." "We WOULD have world peace if were a completely different species and it was in our genes to be total pussies." "We WOULD be able to eliminate starvation if we were plants."

So, in conclusion, if you feel the urge to use the word "should", hit yourself on the head with something, preferably Jason's Hammer of Knowledge (available for $49.95 from Jason Hall Enterprises, Inc.). After punishing yourself appropriately, insert the word "could" or, if you're a total pussy, "would."

The world would be a better place if I could convince people not to use "should."