July 13, 27 J.E.
Life is so incredibly unfair. Sure, I know that this is about a much a revelation as me saying "Duh, the sky is blue!" or "Duh, bathing in molten lava is bad!" or "Duh, France sucks!" Interestingly, as obvious as these statements may seem to us, many people still don't believe them, especially hippies and the French.
Still, sometimes it amazes me how reality doesn't even go through the pretense of being fair. It doesn't even bother going through the motions of giving us a fair shake at life. Yet, the 6 billion fools on this planet, me included, still have some innate belief that it should be fair, or at least unfair in our favor.
Recently, I've been visiting this site called Hot or Not (www.hotornot.com). For the benefit of people who may not know what this is (hi, Mom), it's a neat little site geared toward young desperate singles like me. In a nutshell, you put your photo on the site and people rate you 1-10 based on your looks. You also have the option of communicating with people who have put their photos on there. If you see a hot little 'ho with double "D"...uh...personality, then you can click a button that says you want to meet her. She gets a message that you want to talk to her, and if she deems you worthy, she can accept and then you can E-mail.
Ah, 21st century courtship.
So I've been trolling around on that site for about 3 months now, and have probably offered to meet hundreds of chicks. I think in all that time I got about 15 matches, and most of them were as dumb as plums which, as everyone knows, are the dumbest of all fruit.* There are only 2 chicks that I talk to from there, and they both live in different countries. I even have a charming introduction saying that I'm a normal every day guy, and that the prospective chick should ask me about my tarantulas.
Then I got a cute female friend to let me create a new account with her picture. I created a new person, named Angelina, who was a dancer in Vegas and in spite of being bisexual, was still looking for that special someone (in other words, a total tool). That's what I said on her intro, anyway. Angelina also has a cocaine habit, got knocked up by a cousin when she was 16 (baby given up for adoption), and has chlamydia but doesn't know it yet. I put a lot of effort into this new person, by golly!
My next mission was to have her offer to talk to all the cute lesbians. After the first day, five lesbians responded positively to Angelina's offer, and 10 guys made unsolicited offers of their own! Egad! In ONE day, she got more action than I did in three months! That was 2 weeks ago. Now she has almost a hundred lesbians who want to talk to her! I don't even keep track of the guys anymore.
I'm so disillusioned. My brilliance and stunning sense of humor as well as my above average looks (I ranked an 8.4! Woo hoo!) are no match for the fact that I'm a guy. In spite of all the shit you may hear on the news about chicks getting on the Internet, they are still far outnumbered by total loser guys who are so grossly incapable of scoring in the real world that they'll till fields as overplowed as Hot or Not in their ongoing feeble attempts to get chicks. They don't even use any finesse! "Hey baby, I wanna fuck you!" All the subtlety of a sledgehammer. And for the record, I'm just there for entertainment purposes.
And now for an unrelated closing thought: There sure are a lot of horny, hot lesbians out there. I'm also noticing that they're quite sexually assertive. Interesting, given that the average chick is a sexual sissy when dealing with a guy. Very odd!
Incidentally, I'm not so cruel as to play mind games with these love-starved lesbians who just want to munch some muff. Although I find I do pretty well writing e-mails as a lesbian, I turn all of the e-mails over to the chick who owns the picture. I'm a friggin' saint.
* See: Hall, Jason. How Smart Are Fruit? SAT and IQ Tests of 82 Varieties. Arachnid Press, Arachnopolis: 1998.