August 3, 27 J.E.
Great screamin' McGillicuddy.
My mom is constantly nagging me to get a girlfriend. "Get married," she says in her screeching gravelly voice, her dentures rattling in her head. "Get a girlfriend! Give me grandchildren! I know this wonderful girl. She just got out of rehab for the 4th time, and her herpes is almost under control..."
I make a mental note to up her medication. Then I gently remind her of how cruelly I've been treated by the female gender.
"You're too picky," she shrieks. "You'll always find something wrong with them! 'She's in prison!' 'She's a slut!' 'She worships the devil and smokes crack!'"
I suppress the urge to suffocate her with a pillow and point out how the females that had so viciously stabbed me in the back had met my criteria, and that I can hardly be blamed for being cautious. Then she begins ranting about CIA satellites beaming mind control lasers onto average people. I ignore her, of course. Everybody knows that the CIA is just a front.
Besides, so what if I have standards? Physically speaking, my standards are pretty loose (I estimate that 70-80% of chicks in my age group meet my minimum physical criteria). She can't be insane, stupid, or a total flake, and those kinds of chicks are the dominant species in the single female arena. I still hold out hope, though!
Also, she can't be a total sissy. That might be a tougher criteria to beat.
Why the hell is it that high levels of estrogen seem to imbue the human mind with an unhealthy dose of wussiness? I'm the furthest thing from a chauvinist, but why do so many women have absolutely no backbone in relatively inane situations?
Case in point: Today, we spotted a rather large moth on sitting on the tire of a coworker's car. We identified it as a Regal Moth, which is quite rare in these parts. It was about 3 inches long and quite a purty mix of orange and white. I thought it was interesting, as did most of the other guys at our job.
The women, on the other hand, were terrified. It was a MOTH for Christ's sake! A MOTH! It was a big moth, but still, it was just a moth! They don't bite, scratch, sting, or ANYTHING! The chicks at the office were afraid to go outside! For a MOTH!
To be fair, not every woman was completely terrified, and I would expect the odd freak to have some kind of bizarre phobia of the harmless lepidoptera family, but come on! The majority of them were totally freaked. The irony is, that some of these chicks have reputations as normally strong-willed and quite collected, but they were horrified of a MOTH! I can understand it if it's a 6 inch long spider, but it's a MOTH! It's gotta be a behavior taught by sissy mother to sissy-to-be-daughter.
Therefore, no chick of mine can be a total sissy. She can't be a victim of that friggin' Victorian-era idea that chicks have to be sissies. God, AIDS will be easier to cure than that damn sissy chick mentality. I can't have a chick who's mindlessly afraid of the most harmless of arthropods. After all, I AIN'T getting rid of my tarantulas, and there's no way she'll be able to handle them.
I guess I'll never score again.
In case you're wondering, I glanced outside just in time to see a crow kill the moth and fly away with it. I suppose there's some symbolism in there, but damned if I can figure it out.