Shark attacks sure have been in the news a lot lately, and as usual, there's no basis for the hysteria. So a handful of people get eaten every year, so what? The fact that more people are killed by DOGS in the U.S. than by sharks worldwide doesn't seem to phase people much. Of course, if logic was king, everybody would have a pet tarantula.

What nobody else thinks of is the upside of shark attacks. Yeah, sure it's a tragedy when a kid gets his arm bitten off or a mother of four gets eaten, but try NOT to think of the depressing side of human beings being prey to wild animals. Think of the happy side. Think like a PETA freak.

I think that shark attacks as a whole benefit humanity. Sharks are a valuable part of the beach ecosystem. After all, can you imagine how crowded the beaches would be if there weren't any sharks to thin out the throngs of beachgoers? Egad, every inch of sand would be covered with bare feet! There wouldn't be any room for anybody! The subsequent overpopulation would disrupt the natural balance of things. With all those people, it would be hard to spot the bikini-clad hot ho's!

Worse than that, there would be a lot more surfers. Yep, there would the hundreds more of those rambunctious, beer-guzzling party-maniacs. If not for things like sharks and undead serial killers, those dang teenagers would be everywhere! Besides, they steal all of the hot ho's, so the fewer than them around, the better.

Heck, people don't even need to be eaten. All a shark has to do is nibble on somebody's toes, and in the ensuing terror, many people would cling desperately to the dirt of their landlocked states, afraid even to approach their bathtubs. Sure, it's smelly, but it's a small price to pay for a beach all to yourself.

Now that I think about it,  sharks don't really need to eat anybody. Given the predictable tendency to go hysterical at the slightest provocation, all one has to do is claim that salt water causes cancer will cause a mass exodus to Kansas. It will also create a slew of litigation, and God only knows who they'll go after...

The downside is that since bikini-clad ho's aren't exactly the swiftest sloths on the tree,  they'd probably be the first ones to disappear into the endless cornfields of Nebraska for fear of that poisonous sodium chloride and that dangerous hydrogen oxide. That's OK, I guess, since I'm not a surfer dude, none of them would talk to me anyway.

I suppose that the only real solution is to have my own beach where only bikini-clad ho's are allowed.

...and the sharks are trained to eat surfer dudes who stray onto my beach.

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