October 2, 27 J.E.
I just discovered that people are mindless tools at the mercy of advertisers. Both right and left wingers agree that the average person's brain is total mush just waiting for the new hottest thing to manipulate them into changing their behaviors. Advertisers make kids kill their classmates, little girls' boobs grow faster, oppress chicks, and are solely responsible for Heather Graham still getting work.
Ok, I'm being a little sarcastic. Although the average person's brain IS total mush, kids kill classmates because they're insane, girl's boobs grow the same as always, chicks love being "oppressed" (there's a lot of money in it), and Heather Graham's continued popularity is a total mystery.
Still, some people or total suckers or, in nicer terms, "the highly suggestible type." If you're nodding and saying, "Yes, I am the highly suggestible type," you must read on. If you didn't, read on anyway.
Therefore, for the sake of all of you gullible mush brains out there, here are some some common advertising words and phrases and their true meanings:
New and Improved: The package is new and/or improved
As Seen on TV: One commercial aired at three AM on the Moron Channel is reason enough to buy
Fat-free: Tastes like shit
Fat-free and tastes great: Full of sugar and/or salt
Homeopathic: Any benefits you receive by using this product are purely coincidental
Holistic: We have no idea what this does
Herbal: May cause cancer
Organic: Same shit, higher price
No preservatives: Stays fresh for 20 minutes or didn't need any to begin with
All-natural: Petroleum and its by products are natural
Not available in stores: No store would sell it
Unbeatable deal: Please, someone buy this!
Guaranteed: We're closing up shop next week
Irresistable to the opposite sex: Calling all nerds and fat chicks
This product is suppressed by some entity or another: We're depending on your paranoia
Miracle breakthrough: You're an idiot
Speaking of insincerity, today at the gym I saw a chick with the biggest pair of silicone boobs I've ever seen in real life. By golly, I think that's the first time I've been so close to fake titties. They had to be at LEAST D's, and she had no fat on her. Still, I wish I had muscle tone like her.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, a fool and his money are soon parted. That about covers it.