December 7, 28 J.E.
Jesus CHRIST, it's been a long time since I've written anything. My job's to blame. My stupid, soul-sucking job that is slowly turning me into a bitter old man. And so much has happened in the last two months! I had a birthday! I got a girlfriend!
I SCORED!
Yes, this is not a test of the Emergency Broadcast System! The unthinkable has come to pass! I, Jason, have had sexual intercourse with a living human female of relatively sound mind who isn't a complete 'ho! The sexless drought that began on October 22, 23 J.E. with one final bang to my ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho before she got knocked up by a high school dropout petty criminal ended on November 16, 28 J.E.
"What?" shrieks one of my loyal followers. "It's been 3 weeks! Why haven't you said anything before now??"
Remember that part about my job sucking away my soul? Well, whatever was left was sucked out by my girlfriend.
"What about the chick?" another follower asks.
The chick? Well, she's pretty cool, so far. At my advanced age, I never thought I'd find a chick with fewer sexual partners than I had without raiding a kindergarten, but by golly, I found one! Not to say she's a prude, but I opened the floodgates, so to speak. I'm a much older man than I was when I last scored, and I lack the energy to hold up to her demands. If it wasn't for my mighty schlong, I'd be screwed! Dang, I remember the days when I would bang my ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho 10 times a night (that bitch never appreciated it, either). Either through old age or 5 years without, those days may be behind me forever.
The chick is cool, all in all. She's a little taller and younger than my ideal, but she's got a pretty righteous rack. There are a few disconcerting similarities to my ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho, such as the screwed up family life, the same home town, and intelligence (which is usually a sign of insanity in women), but so far nothing especially untoward has happened. On the bright side, she likes my tarantulas! A chick who likes tarantulas can't be all bad.
"But master," says a third follower, fear in his voice. "Now that you have at last dipped your mighty penis in the Fountain of Fornication, what will become of us? Wasn't it the fertile soil of bitterness and loneliness that nourished your mind and brought forth the fruits of wisdom?"
Perhaps so, but time will tell. We'll just have to take it all one step at a time.
And Happy Pearl Harbor Day!