March 12, 28 J.E.
HBO has become such a wonderful source of Jerry Springer-esque documentaries, it's ratings among the 28 year-old arachnophile males in the PhilaHELLphia area must be going through the roof. A few weeks ago, I watched the critically acclaimed (by me, anyway) "Middle School Confessions", in which 7th graders admit to doing drugs, getting into gangs, and such. My favorite, though, was the 12 year-old girls who talked about giving head to their boyfriends, but only because they were really drunk.
Only 6 more years. I have to wait 6 more years. Of course, by then they'll probably have at least 2 kids and 3 STD's so&ldots;nevermind.
More recently, I saw a show about beauty queens. More accurately, beauty queens aged 1 month to 9 years. What sick, demented bastard would put their 6 year-old in a beauty pageant? What perverse psycho would organize such an event? What deranged lunatic would judge such an event?
I've seen some sick shit in my day, and I've even done some of it. Pre-teen beauty pageants, though, are unbelievably perverse. I can't even begin to understand the mentality that would convince these white trash mothers to hire coaches, to spend thousands of dollars on dresses and entry fees, and to drag their kids around to these pageants when the grand prize is only $2,500! At BEST I figure they'd break even.
Hell, if I was stupid enough to have a kid, and it was a girl, and she said, "Daddy, I want to be in a beauty pageant!" I'd say, "Shut up, sweetheart. Daddy's drinking." That's a little saner than parading her around making her look all "sexy" in front of an audience of hundreds. If I were a pedophile, I would have squeezed out my baby batter three or four times over the course of that show. I'm not a pedophile, of course, so I only did it a couple of times. Just kidding!
Speaking of pedophiles, I don't know who in the audience WASN'T a lover of little kids. The host sang love Miss America-like love songs to the kids. He should be locked up on principle alone. Then there are the girls themselves who sing those love songs in their strapless evening gowns that were designed for midgets.
Of course, virtually every one of these girls is being pressured into this by an overbearing, psychotic mother who, distressed by her long-lost looks and cheating husband, is trying to steal some of the spotlight from her daughter. One contestant's mother that they interviewed had said that her oldest daughter was a slut and her son was in jail. Gee, I wonder why? God only knows what that kid's home life is like. Seeing that this took place in Texas, she's probably not even a virgin anymore.
The sickest of the sick, though, has to have been the 0-6 month old category. These kids are basically little blobs of flesh, sitting there in their pint-sized evening gowns, eyes glazed, droll dribbling off their chins&ldots; Somehow, you're supposed to tell one of those kids from anther? They all look like door stops to me.
Of course, maybe I'm prejudiced. After all, I don't like beauty pageants anyway. The chicks aren't really that hot, and who wants to hear them talk? Also, their swimsuits are usually ONE pieces! I also don't like kids, those smelly, shrieking, irrational larvae. I also don't like crazy people. The combination of all three in one must have been more than I could handle.
Maybe I'm just bitter because they didn't have a swimsuit competition.