April 15, 28 J.E.
Zombies, as everyone knows, are a breed apart. They hobble along on their rotting legs, hungering for the flesh of the living, and only a shot to the head can kill them. At least, that's what they came up with in Night of the Living Dead. Everybody since then has pretty much ripped off that formula, including the recent release, Resident Evil. I'm not sure whether it's plagiarism or flat our lack of ingenuity that makes zombies so disturbingly monolithic. Nevertheless, as ther dead wander, flickers of past memories compel them to stroll around shopping malls and such, waiting for a bullet to the head.
Something never really made sense, though. Assuming that the dead COULD be re-animated and that they held some vestige of their living memories, what on Earth would compel them to eat people? In Resident Evil, they said that they were fulfilling the most basic human need: the need to eat.
Well, I don't know about you, but that brings visions of the undead attacking a vending machine rather than a co-ed. Or, if they're well-behaved zombies, waiting patiently in line in the local McDonald's.
And since when is the most basic human need eating? What about breathing? I suppose zombies don't have to worry about that, but I also can't see them gorging themselves endlessly. After all, they're not bulimic, they're DEAD! Yes, the distinction is blurry, but there is a difference. Besides, since their digestive systems aren't working anymore, once they fill up, they'll stay feeling full. Even if they still want to eat, once they've filled their esophagus, they'll be trying to stuff the same piece of food into their mouths for eternity, especially if it's a Twinkie. And what about beer? What if they were an alcoholic or a drug addict in life? Wouldn't getting high be their most basic human need?
So what does the zombie need after their "most basic human need" is sated? What about that OTHER 'basic human need'? I'm talking about sex! Heck, if there was a roughly equal proportion of male and female zombies (or all male if in San Francisco), they'd never leave the cemetery. They'd just fall all over each other and screw mindlessly. Of course, I'm not sure that a zombie guy can actually get it up, but they'll probably still try anyway.
Instead of just milling around waiting to kill some hapless innocent, I suspect they'll just mill around looking for something to do. Heck, if I were a zombie, once I had filled up on the flesh of the living (or Doritos, whichever is more convenient), I'd kick back and watch some TV. If my brain is sufficiently deteriorated, I may not even think to turn the TV on. I'd just sit there, staring. Come to think of it, that won't be much of a change, except that I won't have to take bathroom breaks every four hours. That'll be the life.
So the moral of this story is that if you see me walking down the street and I'm clearly a zombie, wait a second before shooting me in the head. I might just be on my way home to watch some TV.