If I told you that cell phones were everywhere, your response would likely be something akin to, "Well, DUH!"

"Duh," indeed. Lower prices and improved connectivity have put these increasingly microscopic marvels into the hands of more people, almost regardless of income or need. In fact, not even the fear of cancer spouted by irrational alarmists could dissuade the masses from continuing to attach cell phones to their faces.

It's ironic that the groundless cancer scare for cell phones wouldn't bother anyone while the groundless cancer scare for silicone boob implants destroyed an entire industry. Of course, that doesn't stop some people from making a buck by peddling useless "radiation shields" and similar piffle. A great site spewing raw sewage directly into the brains of anyone who happens upon it is from our friends who hock something called *RA*D*AR. Either this person is the classic snake oil salesman, or he's a total lunatic. Either way, I'm sure there are plenty of retards with far less scientific literacy than he has who will gladly pony up the $30 for this magical protection against electromagnetic radiation.

But I digress.

Cell phones aren't a bad thing. Some people have a legitimate need for them, and by golly, if you're stuck in a snow bank in North Dakota, they're darn handy! I've noticed that they're especially important among the clubbing crowd, for which they serve a double purpose of allowing coordination with their other club-hopping friends and as a status symbol. Cell phones are to the 21st century what pagers were ten years ago. Yessir, you weren't someone if you didn't' have a pager!

Tacky fashion victims aside, cell phones are useful tools. Unlike some frenetic cell phone-haters who have to find something to do between WTO protests, I have no problem with someone using them in the car or in a store, or whatever. What do I care if someone is talking to someone who isn't there? My brother does that all the time, even when he's not on the phone. Maybe people just get pissed off when they can't eavesdrop in on the whole conversation.

So, in my view, cell phones are interesting, useful, harmless inventions that are becoming a better value all the time. Yet, in spite of near constant pressure from my mom (whom I can easily ignore) and my girlfriend (whom I can distract with sex), I have no cell phone. Why?

"Because you don't have any friends and nobody wants to call you!" shouts some creep from the back of the auditorium.

Well, yes, that's basically true. Although I do indeed have a few friends with whom I occasionally communicate via phone, the vast majority of calls to my phone are those of telemarketers. Truth be told, I no longer bother to pick up my phone due to the volume of calls I get from telemarketers. I figure that if somebody wants to talk to me, they'll leave a message on my machine.

That's the theory, anyway. I'm still waiting. 

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