Well, another year has slipped away like egg whites in a clenched fist. On the eve of 2003, it is only right that we consider what the passing of a new year means to us. Most people consider everything retroactively, looking back at past events and how their lives have changed.

Of course, I'm different. Since 2002 was pretty much business as usual on planet Earth, and partly because of my interest in psychic predictions, I'm looking to the future! Allow me to point out that when I say I have an "interest" in psychic predictions, I mean that I have utter, blinding, stomach-wrenching contempt for them. So many people get rich off of vague and usually wrong guesses, it's just sickening.

Nevertheless, I will test my guessing skills, pitting my raw logic against those who claim special powers. Keep in mind, I am making an extreme effort to make REAL predictions. It takes an incredible amount of effort for me to not make predictions that are dripping with sarcasm. After all, I could predict that Michael Jackson would do something insane this year, and I would almost assuredly be right unless he died on December 31. I could predict meteor showers in the fall. I could predict war between now and 2783. I could predict a period of dryness, followed by rain.

I'll also really try not to contradict psychic's wild claims. For example, a group called the Zeta predict that the mysterious 10th planet Nbiru will return to the inner solar system in May, 2003 and wreck havoc on Earth, shifting the poles, stopping rotation, and such. I COULD predict that Nbiru will not return in 2003, but that would be like beating my Mom in Trivial Pursuit: a sure thing. I could also predict that GW Bush will survive another year in office, but the odds in favor of that are also too great.

No, I'm going out on a limb here. Every prediction will be specific enough to be proven wrong, and they will be surrounded by a certain level of uncertainty. I will predict things that will change, NOT the maintaining of the status quo, which is pretty much the default, anyway. Now that the ground rules have been laid, let's begin.

1. Pope John Paul II will die or abdicate in 2003. That ol' bastard has survived numerous predictions of his death, but 2003 is his year to find out if he wasted his entire life on a false religion.

2. The U.S. will come to the brink of war with Iraq, but Saddam will knuckle under in the last moment. Traditional pacifists France and Germany will complain about our brinkmanship.

3. The U.S. will experience a cooler than average summer. 

4. Although terrorism in the U.S. will be pretty low profile, Europe (especially France, Germany, and England) will be the target of some decent-sized attacks.

5. Britney Speares will be romantically linked to a much older man. Me, perhaps? No, some actor or something.

6. Another African country will explode into civil war. Which one? Let's say&ldots;Gabon.

7. Someone currently without a high political profile will become a front runner for the Democrat's presidential ticket, so people like Gephardt and Lieberman are out. Hint: It's a man.

8. The economy will improve this year (based on unemployment, GDP growth, and stock market closes), although it will still fall short of 1999-2000's high. Maybe then I'll get a new job.

9. There will be some progress in mollifying the Palestinian uprising (mostly when Sharon loses his support base), but the fighting won't end. Arafat will continue to get all the babes.

10. A fairly large volcanic eruption will occur in Europe, probably in Italy. Not to be confused with the noxious gas released form Italian armpits.

11. West Nile Virus will officially spread all over the U.S., although the devastation of bird populations will be a bigger concern than the human threat. Pigeons will continue to be a pain.

12. A potential AIDS vaccine will be tested on humans by the end of the year. Apparently, nobody likes the "don't stick a penis up your ass" method.

13. There will be a failure regarding the ISS. No, I'm not talking about the lack of judgment that put it up there in the first place.

14. Ben Affleck will knock up J-Lo, OUT OF WEDLOCK! Gasp!

15. An AFC team will win the Super Bowl to close out the 2002 season. The Rams will continue to suck in 2003, although not as much.

16. One of our ex-presidents will die this year, probably Reagan. If the Grim Reaper came for Carter, he'd probably be able to negotiate his way out of it for a couple of years.

17. Jennifer Love Hewitt will get nekkid in some movie. I'm not sure if this prediction is tainted by personal fantasy, though.

18. A prominent athlete will die while playing the sport, probably another race care death. Probably not soccer. 

19. The breaking of a large kiddie porn ring in Europe will make big news. Friggin' Europeans&ldots;

20. Phil Donahue's new show will get the axe. This last one qualifies as a "gimmie", but I want at least one hit.

Well, those are my "psychic predictions" (guesses) for 2003. I reckon that all of those are a lot more specific than most of the crap that "psychics" vomit from the recesses of their empty skulls. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky and get a few right.

Until next year&ldots;