I have great respect for those learned professionals among us. Doctors, scientists, engineers&ldots;you know, people who use their brains for pursuits more noble than watching Jerry Springer all day, taking a break only to go pick up the ol' Welfare check to buy more beer. That's why it amazes me sometimes when such a person would say something incredibly stupid about something fundamental in their field of expertise. Hey, scientists are people too, and of course they'll make gaffs. Still, when they say something so impossible dumb about something they should know about that even a layperson such as myself catches it, it's a little disillusioning.

The local 10 o'clock news has a segment about your health that's hosted by a doctor. I don't watch the 10 o'clock news much, but the few times it's stayed on after other shows, I've found these medical segments to be fairly interesting, although mostly consumer-oriented fluff pieces. The doctor seemed like a REAL doctor, not one of those New Age freaks who thinks that clipping your toenails with his special copper clippers (available for only $99.99) will cure everything.

The other day, though, his credibility suffered a catastrophic blow.

He was talking about something or another about the need to stay properly hydrated. No problem yet. He said that when we are born, we are 70% water. That also appears to be true, but then the other shoe drops. He went on to say that most adults are made up of only 60% water, and hence, are chronically dehydrated.

My Insanity Detector™ went off like crazy at that point. Adults are only 60% water due to dehydration? That seemed a little odd to me. It seems like losing 1/7 of your bodily water would be noticeable, if not fatal.

I did some quick math. I currently weigh 165 lbs. If what that doctor said were true and I'm 60% water, 99 pounds of me is H2O and 66 pounds of me is miscellaneous solids (mostly penis). Then I did some math. In order to get back up to the 70/30 ratio, I would have to weigh 220 pounds. That's right, I'd need to add 56 POUNDS of water to get back up the Holy Grail of 70% liquid. Of course, if I were 56 pounds short in the first place, I think I'd be kind of DEAD.

[And yes, I'm sure about my math. For the benefit of those arithmetically challenged out there (hi, mom!) it's more than just adding 10% to the water figure. If you add 9.9 pounds (10% of 99), you get 109 pounds of water, 62% water (109/175). It's all about relative volumes.]

I find it so vexing when a trusted authority makes such an astounding lapse of judgment. Sure, you have your wackos who think they're scientists and spout gibberish 24/7. The few times I've seen this doctor, though, he seemed together, well-informed, and thoughtful. What, then, are we to make of his appalling gaffe?

I guess it's official. You can't trust ANYONE.

By the way, I've rechristened my penis. It shall henceforth be known as "Bolt Vanderhuge".