I have a very strange rash. 

I know what you're thinking, and no, it's NOT an STD. Well, it's PROBABLY not an STD. It's not even on my nads.

In general, I'm not a rashy person. I've gotten my share of itchy rashes and excema in my youth, but mercifully my skin allergies have become less sensitive as I grew older. I did once get a rash from orange juice, though. I once allowed a drop or OJ to run down my neck as I drank. About 15 minutes later, I had an inflamed streak that perfectly followed the path of the juice.

This is different though. Two days ago (Wednesday), I was sitting in my cute little cube pretending to be working when at about 3 o'clock my stomach started to itch right on my belt line. Naturally, I scratched the hell out of it before I even looked. Sure enough, there was a big blotch of red skin about the diameter of a golf ball on my stomach. "That's odd," I thought. I then basically ignored it and went back to pretending to work.

So why do you automatically assume it's an STD? What are you implying? I'll have you know that since the very beginning of 23 J.E., I've only gone pelvic spelunking with ONE chick, and that wasn't until 28 J.E. I went almost 6 years without any partners other than my hand. STD's indeed!

Yesterday, I was pretending to work when at about 3 o'clock I got the same itch on my belly. The same spot was itching on my belt line again, except it had brought a friend that caused itchiness and redness near my belly button. The second rash was about as big as 10 kidney beans clustered together. I was again vexed and scratched them into submission, and in about an hour they had cleared up. "That's odder," I thought. Then I went back to pretending to work.

Then today, I really WAS working, and at exactly 2:48 PM, the itchy spot near my belt flared up AGAIN, and this time was accompanied by another right below my rib cage. This time the second rash was about as big as a cat's liver. "That's very odd!" I thought.

All in all, this is quite vexing. Three days in a row I get temporary rashes that hit at about the same time, and then go away. What STD would do that? Perhaps it's just GOD toying with me, chortling at my discomfort and confusion. He so loves my tears.

Editor's note: The third occurrence of the rash was the last one. How odd.

As an aside, this morning I told my chick that there's a genie living in my pants. It can only grant two wishes, though: jizz, and gratuitous numbers of orgasms. I'm so funny, it makes my eyes bleed. Whoa, that's not normal&ldots;