Remember about a year ago when I decided to test my latent clairvoyant ability to see if I could make a living as a psychic, fleecing the gullible public of their hard-earned cash. Now, unlike many of my less talented colleagues, I won't go back and re-write my predictions to make them 100% spot-on. That would be dishonest!

1. Pope John Paul II will die or abdicate in 2003. That ol' bastard has survived numerous predictions of his death, but 2003 is his year to find out if he wasted his entire life on a false religion. Well, I pretty much whiffed this one. That son of a bitch just won't die! Unless&ldots;he DID die and it's all just a clever ruse!

2. The U.S. will come to the brink of war with Iraq, but Saddam will knuckle under in the last moment. Traditional pacifists France and Germany will complain about our brinkmanship. I was half right. France and Germany bitched a lot. I'll give myself a half on that one.

3. The U.S. will experience a cooler than average summer. Hooray for me!

4. Although terrorism in the U.S. will be pretty low profile, Europe (especially France, Germany, and England) will be the target of some decent-sized attacks. I can honestly say I'm glad those terrorists let me down. What a bunch of pussies!

5. Britney Speares will be romantically linked to a much older man. Me, perhaps? No, some actor or something. Dammit.

6. Another African country will explode into civil war. Which one? Let's say Gabon. Dunno. I'm sure one or two are in a civil war.

7. Someone currently without a high political profile will become a front runner for the Democrat's presidential ticket, so people like Gephardt and Lieberman are out. Hint: It's a man. Dean! Woo-hoo!

8. The economy will improve this year (based on unemployment, GDP growth, and stock market closes), although it will still fall short of 1999-2000's high. Maybe then I'll get a new job. Yep, that's a hit.

9. There will be some progress in mollifying the Palestinian uprising (mostly when Sharon loses his support base), but the fighting won't end. Arafat will continue to get all the babes.  That was vague enough for another hit!

10. A fairly large volcanic eruption will occur in Europe, probably in Italy. Not to be confused with the noxious gas released form Italian armpits. Lazy Italian volcanoes. Of course, Etna was STILL erupting in 2003&ldots;

11. West Nile Virus will officially spread all over the U.S., although the devastation of bird populations will be a bigger concern than the human threat. Pigeons will continue to be a pain. The virus is everywhere, but you only hear about it slow news days.

12. A potential AIDS vaccine will be tested on humans by the end of the year. Apparently, nobody likes the "don't stick a penis up your ass" method. Any day now&ldots;

13. There will be a failure regarding the ISS. No, I'm not talking about the lack of judgment that put it up there in the first place. I suppose the Columbia breakup counts here, since I believe it was service the ISS on its last mission. What a waste.

14. Ben Affleck will knock up J-Lo, OUT OF WEDLOCK! Gasp! It was secretly coat-hangered, though, so you never heard of it.

15. An AFC team will win the Super Bowl to close out the 2002 season. The Rams will continue to suck in 2003, although not as much. Tampa Bay?! Come on!!

16. One of our ex-presidents will die this year, probably Reagan. If the Grim Reaper came for Carter, he'd probably be able to negotiate his way out of it for a couple of years. Can't really salvage a hit out of this one.

17. Jennifer Love Hewitt will get nekkid in some movie. I'm not sure if this prediction is tainted by personal fantasy, though. It was personal fantasy.

18. A prominent athlete will die while playing the sport, probably another race car death. Probably not soccer. It probably happened somewhere, but I don't keep up with sports.

19. The breaking of a large kiddie porn ring in Europe will make big news. Friggin' Europeans. The cops are all in on it.

20. Phil Donahue's new show will get the axe. This last one qualifies as a "gimmie", but I want at least one hit. Sha-bing!

Strictly speaking, I hit 7.5 out of 20 predictions. If you allow me some wiggle room on some ways things can be creatively interpreted, that count goes up to 11.5. If you allow me wild speculation on how news is suppressed by the NWO or the Illuminati, I hit 18.5 times. The only definite misses would be the U.S. going to war in Iraq (but I still get a half on that) and Jennifer Love Hewitt getting all nude, but as I said, that was more fantasy than prediction, so it shouldn't count.

Not too shabby. What does this teach us? Am I brilliant psychic to whom you should give all of your money because I say so? YES! Give me your money, and you will be happy! You don't need to read this any further, so hit the "back" button on your browser.

If you're still reading, you're obviously not as suggestible as the average dupe, and you've surely also realized that I simply made a bunch of educated guesses mixed with a healthy dose of wild-assed speculation. The Reagan and the Pope are STILL alive? Come on! And the AFC/NFC thing was 50/50, although if anyone had told me that Tampa Bay would be winning, I would have laughed at them. What a weird year.

Ironically, though, I did just about as well, if not better, than most of those other so-called psychics out there making predictions. Ol' clairvoyant-as-a-box-of-rocks Jason outperformed many "professional" psychics. That may because their grasp on reality is so tenuous that they can't even make guesses based on current trends and world events. Or maybe they're just stupid.

Or maybe I'm just stupid for not making thousands of dollars off my "predictions". If I kept them more vague, I could have had a 100% hit rate. I could have predicted a plane crash in the first half of the year, a big earthquake somewhere in the world, and the death of a major TV personality. I'm not kidding. People actually predict that crap and swear that it's proof that they're psychic.

Then I punch them in the head and say, "Yeah? Well why didn't you see that coming?"