Woo hoo. The Olympics are here. Please, don't allow my unbridled enthusiasm for international competition alarm you. It's just that when I get this excited I tend to look and act really bored, sometimes even falling asleep. Why, I haven't been this excited since my gum ran out of flavor a few minutes ago.

It's not that I have anything against the Olympics. I just can't force myself to give a crap. So we won a gold medal, so what? Do we actually get anything for it other than bragging rights? Do we earn the right to enslave the losing countries until next time? Do we earn territorial concessions? More favorable exchange rates? Some souvenirs? Anything? Nope, we get squat. Actually that's a good thing because of the Communist countries' chemically enhanced Frankensteins. If anything WAS at stake in the Olympics, we'd all be Reds by now.

Granted, that's the same of most sports. If the Steelers win the next 50 Superbowls, I gain nothing other than the ability to point at Eagles and Browns and laugh uncontrollably (and then I would die, because I'd be 80, but I would die happy). Perhaps it's because it's a home city rather than a country that makes the connection stronger. Perhaps it's because I see this team play every single year, and I know the players. In any case, the Olympics are competing against NFL pre-season, and guess who's getting the gold in that match up?

It seams that every four years organizers and pundits are wringing their hands about the relative lack of popularity of the Olympics. I remember back in the day when NBC gave us three channels of Olympics 24 hours a day. That flopped. Currently the ticket sales to events in Athens, while numbering in the millions, still leave a lot of empty seats for most events. I don't know what the hell they expect when they hold the Olympics in a remote country with only marginally first world facilities and where a single event ticket is equivalent to two weeks' salary. Sure, it's nice to have the Olympics in Athens, but maybe if we gave them another 100 years they'd be ready for it.

The Olympic Spirit does add a bit of mystique to the whole thing, though. It does add some drama when you see athletes who are presumably the best in their home countries, compete. These people may very well spend their entire lives practicing only to lose a medal by a few 100ths of a second. Unless they play a sport that people actually pay attention to outside of the Olympics (basketball, hockey, etc.), they're lives have been a complete waste of time. THAT'S drama. Track and field? Come on. Swimming? Archery? Soccer? Who's going to pay to see that stuff if it's not at the Olympics? Sure some of these are people are richer than Jesus due to endorsement deals, but I'm not seeing them on TV.

The only sport I give a crap about is women's gymnastics. I'd enjoy it a lot more if the chicks were legal, though. If only those swimmers would wear bikinis&ldots;