Life is so shockingly, appallingly, amazingly unfair that sometimes it makes me want to go out and do something so indescribably profane that I can't possibly describe it here lest I be branded as "strange."

Take models, for example. All I hear day in and day out is how cruelly mistreated female models are and how they create unrealistic expectations for women. Blah, blah, blah. You know the people screeching it, too. They're either fat old broads who are about three Twinkies past a size 22 or potentially hot chicks who couldn't quite break into modelling. Of course how could I forget the sycophantic guys who protest along with them in the hopes of getting laid?

How do we mistreat these models, I wonder? Is it the insane amounts of money we throw at them for standing around for pictures? No, it's probably the fact that many of them are freakishly thin, especially the ones from Europe (Ethiopian porn is big there, or so I here). Do they starve themselves to stay thin? Are they passing on food, the very essence of life, in order to satiate some perverse hunger for fame and money? Does this affect other more normal women and make them feel worse about themselves, possibly attributing to eating disorders?

Probably.

That's not the unfair part, though. Let's assume a worse case scenario and say that being a professional model and a professional anoretic are one and the same. Let's say that women are enchanted with looking like those skeletal, half-alive figures on the catwalk and seek to become them. Let's say that every militant feminist's wet dream about modelling keeping chicks down is absolutely true.

It's still not half as bad as what we men face.

Sure, being able to count each of your bones through a parka is unhealthy, but at least it's attainable. All the average chick has to do to look like her favorite model is not eat! That, and maybe have her leg bones lengthened, but that's it! Have you looked at the average male model lately?

(Disclaimer: I do not stare at male models. It's all about the bitches.)

These guys are, without exception, insanely well-toned and fatless! For a guy to succeed in modeling, he has to exercise like a lunatic to stay in shape, and maybe even take steroids. While the chick lies in bed all day moaning about hungry she is, the guy is out busting his hump for three hours a day in the gym! Talk about unattainable! I'm a pretty good physical specimen for my age group, and I exercise pretty regularly. Still, I am a far cry from even the lamest male model. I wish I could reach my physical goals just by not eating! To add financial injury to insult, male models don't get paid jack or shit (and the jack is taxed).

I demand gender equity! If a chick can vastly increase her sex appeal merely by inserting a few silicon balloons in her chest, we guys should get the same benefits by similar mutilating ourselves! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, we have to work out in the gym all goddamn day. Why can't a little extra bulge in the crotch be good enough?

Not that I need that extra bulge, mind you...