"Our exalted master has returned!" cries one of the unwashed worshippers. "Have you come back to usher in the new promised golden age?"

No, I'm afraid not. The world is still too full of idiots. Besides, I wasn't gone that long. 

So what has the Almighty Jason been doing these past few years of absence? Well, mostly I've been writing my stunning new novel, "Shadows of Zakarmos!" Look for it in your local bookstore&ldots;someday. It's almost 300,000 words. I've also written a follow-up! And I'm working on yet another! Damn, I'm prolific. It's amazing what you can do with your life when you cut down on your TV consumption.

What kind of book is it, you ask? What's the plot? Who are the characters? I'm afraid you'll just have to wait to buy it. I've already submitted it to one publisher, and I should be getting my first rejection letter in a month or two.

What else have I been doing with my life? Well, I got married. No big deal. Just went down to the Virgin Islands, got hitched, came back. That was in April, 31 J.E., and it's still going strong! If you can find a woman with a Playstation 2 and an X-Box, love will inevitably follow.

Shortly before we got married, she convinced me that getting a dog was a good idea. We got two. Apart from the fact that they would come in handy if there were ever a famine, I'm not too impressed. Dogs are a LOT of work, I'm learning. They want walked and fed and petted, and frankly I'm not up to all that. They're even exceptionally well-behaved for dogs, and they're still a burden. I like my undemanding tarantulas so much more.

I had Lasik done on my eyeballs. It went very well. At last I am free of the cruel shackles of glasses and/or contacts. It's amazingly fast, too. I'd recommend it to anybody&ldots;assuming they have the dough. It ain't free, suckas.

As I recall, I left off with a bit of a cliffhanger about who'd I'd vote for in the upcoming presidential election. Like virtually everyone else in the country who actually THINKS about these decisions (as opposed to the gleefully blind morons who automatically go along with their chosen party), I was in a quandary. I disliked both candidates immensely, as usual.

In the end, I decided to vote for the person I thought was going to lose. That way, I could always say, "Don't blame me for the nuclear war. I voted for the OTHER guy." Unfortunately, I chose wrong. Yes, I voted for George W., not because I like him, but because I thought Kerry would win. On the bright side, Kerry did take Pennsylvania, so in the end my vote didn't matter.

And that's all I ever wanted.