If you've paid any attention at all to the goings on in the world the last week or so, you'd know that the International Astronomical Union is trying to nail down a concrete definition of a planet. The upshot of this is the Solar System will lose a planet or gain three now, more later. Personally, I couldn't care less either way, since none of them are visible in the night sky anyway. Nevertheless, there is one group who will be profoundly affected.

I speak of those upstanding and rational citizens we call astrologers. Whatever will they do with all of their outdated charts? The ancient and venerated art of astrology hasn't had to adapt to any new planets since Pluto was discovered in 1930.

If Pluto is suddenly no longer considered a planet, millions of people could find their personalities, fortunes, and lifestyles suddenly changed! Why, I could go to bed a cynical, bitter loner and wake up and athletic, charming, illiterate model! The horrible, vexing voice of reason that infects my brain would finally be shut off and I could live in the blissful haze if idiocy!

On the other hand, if astronomers decide to define planets so that Pluto is included, that would add three right away (Ceres, Charon, and "Xena") and likely dozens more down the road. What would that mean for me, the poor human whose destiny is decided by balls of rock millions of miles away? Might I suddenly develop a desire to sing? Is it possible that I'll become a skilled tightrope walker? Will I uncover hidden depths I never knew I had?

Naturally this all goes to show that Astrology is BS and anyone who believes it needs to be slapped in the head with something large and heavy. Pro-astrology freaks may see my argument above as spurious, but I would counter that astrologers had no problem making newly discovered planets integral parts of their authentic star charts. After all, the ancients who first thought up astrology had no Uranus (1781), Neptune (1846), and Pluto (1930). All of the crap associated with them was invented as though the planets never existed before. Stick that in your bong and smoke it, hippies.

The real tragedy here is that no matter what the outcome, someone who is not me is going to make a lot of money selling "new and improved" astrology charts to any eager sucker who comes along. I should be doing that. I want that money!

Unfortunately, common sense doesn't pay.