At last, after six years of endless drudgery, unrelenting sorrow, and grossly inadequate pay, I FINALLY got a new job.

Today was my very first day. It was a bit of a culture shock, I must admit. For one, the ceiling wasn't leaking. I hardly knew what to do when I didn't have to dodge streams of acrid fluid as I walked down the hall. I've grown so accustomed to walking in a zigzag pattern, that I almost got motion sick walking in a straight line. What's more, the wallpaper isn't peeling, and the carpet isn't stained!

Another thing that nearly blew me away was the fact that I finally have a computer that was more than just a glorified paperweight. Sure, 256 Megs of RAM is good if you're just playing Solitaire or surfing the Web all day (which, I confess, took up a great deal of my time in my former job), but on those rare occasions when I actually tried to do work, it would literally spend a good 30 seconds or so just remembering how to bold a sentence. Now I have a full gig!

I also have a career path! There is something to look forward to other than my eventual death! At last, the sole reason I get up in the morning won't just be because I'm way day closer to sweet, sweet oblivion! I'm actually working TOWARD something other than the continued enrichment of my boss.

And, of course, I'm finally making enough money that I don't have to supplement my income by robbing bums. Their money smells.

That's not to say that my old job was completely horrible. After all, I got to wear jeans on Fridays, which I will miss. There were also a handful of people who I didn't mind associating with. Then there's the...uh...well, I'm sure I think of something.

Six years. Six friggin' years in the same place! I've been there so damn long that the entire company must have rolled over at least twice! Yet there was poor, dumb Jason, still plugging away. The truly sick thing is that I knew that I didn't like the company almost right away and had begun searching again. SIX YEARS it took to find something! Well, it doesn't matter. My dark, miserable past is behind me. Now I have nothing but happiness and light before me! A better job, a super wife, a passable house, the dogs are okay&ldots;the car could use some work...the cats are annoying&...stupid fuel prices... Never mind. Things are looking up!

Now watch me get hit by a friggin' bus.