The Earth has whipped around the Sun thirty-three times since I clawed my way from a place that is far too horrifying for me to put into words. In that time, things have changed quite a bit. I've finally reached the point in my life where I can look down my nose at younger people and say, "In MY day, things were different!" I've longed to be able to be that snooty old man who sat on his rocking chair throwing acorns at neighborhood kids. So let's get started!

In MY day, we didn't have any fancy-schmancy PS3's of Xbox 360's or Nintendo anything. We had the Atari 2600, which adjusted for inflation cost more than the PS3. Games consisted of maneuvering a red square through a maze or similar mind-numbing drivel, but that's what we had! As far as computers, well, they sucked.

In MY day, we didn't have 200 cable channels or high-def! We had 6 Channels! ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, and a couple of UHF channels. That's right, we had a UHF dial! Kids today don't even know what that is! They don't know what it's like having a passing airplane mess up the signal! They don't know what the antennas on the tops of old houses are for! We went to the drive-in to see movies, and if you missed a TV show, well, you were SOL!

In MY day, obesity wasn't an epidemic. People were still fat, but the solution was Richard Simmons and Joanie Greggains. Gastric bypass surgery wasn't even a glutton's wet dream. The nutritional information labels on your food gave you a vague idea of what you were eating at best, and nobody flipped out about peanut allergies. M&M's came in dark brown, light brown, orange, yellow, and green. There was no red or blue or any other colors of the full spectrum they have today. Ranch flavoring did not exist, but sour cream and onion were everywhere. No fast-food joint ever considered putting jalapenos on a sandwich, and Chicken McNuggets were new.

In MY day, Iraq was at war with Iran, China was as industrialized as my backyard, and the Soviet Union was still our enemy. We controlled the Panama Canal and Hong Kong was British. We had TWO Germanies, TWO Yemens, and Yugoslavia neatly tied up all of the ethnic loose ends in the Balkans!

In MY day, you didn't advertise condoms, but you could still find cigarette ads in magazines. Cocaine was the drug of choice with the occasional glue huffer thrown in. Michael Jackson was known for his singing, OJ Simpson was known for football, and Dana Plato wasn't dead yet. There was only one Star Trek and George Lucas was still whoring out the Star Wars trademark to anyone who could fit it on their product. AIDS were people who assisted a professional in their jobs. Administrative Assistants were still called secretaries. Garfield was funny and Miami Vice was cutting-edge. Our sole sources of anime were Speed Racer and War of the Planets. Digital watches were new and cool.

Of course, some things never change. In MY day, we still had high deficits and Islamic terrorists. Parents were horrified by rock music and by the violence of video games. They were still trying to convince their kids that drugs and sex weren't cool and still failing. People were still wringing their hands gays and family values and other things that don't matter. Illegal immigration was a big deal, but nobody did anything about it. We still haven't been back to the Moon or improved on the Space Shuttle. Also, just like in my day, the Steelers were Super Bowl Champions. You also still had the nutcases that insisted that somehow the world would be a paradise if only we decided to become communists, religious whackos, and/or hippies.

I can't wait until I'm 60. Then I can totally go off.