I just got back from the very last Spring Break I will ever have in my entire life. The highlights of this monumental occasion included my car passing inspection, hanging out with a bunch of old friends who secretly hate me but hide it well, losing 4 consecutive hockey games, and not scoring.
I had my chance, though. One of my female friends from my hideous undergraduate college had just broken up with her boyfriend, and had always said I was cute (a definite plus). On top of that, SHE was really cute. So I took her to see Titanic, which is the consummate chick flick.
Now I know what you're thinking, that throughout the entire movie I was scheming up ways to get something started. Well, maybe I was, but gimmie a break! I am a 24 year-old male who has not kissed a chick for exactly 1 year and has survived 17 months of celibacy on top of that! My peak sexual years are slipping by like sand through a bottomless bucket! My biological clock (cock?) is screaming at me to get some!
Nothing happened, though, besides a peck on the cheek at the end of the evening which she gives everybody. Why not? I can think of 3 good reasons.
1. The opportunity to proposition her never really arose. She had to go to a basketball game right after the movie so I had to rush her home.
2. She had told me a few days before that she was taking a break from such things.
3. I chickened out.
I think I've figured out why I've got the backbone of an earthworm when it comes to hitting on chicks. It all comes down to my desire not to be perceived as a typical horny jerk. I want to be seen as an atypical horny jerk. The problem is, how do you communicate that in a pick-up line? "Hey, baby, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you." For some reason, I get the impression that reasonably cute chicks are always being hit on by various scuzzy losers (probably true), and therefore feel like their under seige (probably untrue). So I, being the stupidly and uselessly sensitive guy that I am, feel that it would be better to leave them alone.
Even when chicks are giving me what any other human would call clear signals that they want to wrap themselves around my Meat Torpedo, I blow it. For some reason, I have a difficult time BELIEVING that they have any interest in me. I'm not sure why this is, but I have the feeling that it stems from my pre-high school days, when I was routinely called ugly to my face. Of course, now my answer would be "Maybe, but you're an evil bitch and I can always get plastic surgery" or "I don't need to take this from a needle-dicked bug-fucker" (I'll come up with comebacks for other genders later). In high school, though, things improved. Not because I suddenly became handsome, mind you, but because I changed schools. All I gotta say is that when I'm dictator there'll be HELL to pay. Nowadays, I'm about average, give or take personal preference.
So all of this leads to a nearly insurmountable mental block when it comes to landing some nookie. Ironically, though, this cowardice seems to have saved me more than it's hurt me. I can think of several occasions when I chick showed some serious interest in me but I failed to take her up on it (for reasons outlined above). Then a few months later I realized what a messed up lunatic she was and I was GLAD that I had chickened out. On the other hand, I can also think of three other occasions when my wussiness failed me and I wish it hadn't (i.e., all of my girlfriends to date).
Attitude is where it's at, though. You can be a mutant with no arms, legs, or penis, and you can still get a chick if you've got the right attitude. If I had the right attitude, I'd have chicks crawling all over me. Unfortunately, I've got the wrong kind of attitude for my stupid age group. Too bad that's where all the cute ones are.
The biggest problem, though, is that I don't even know what I'm looking for in a chick. Boobs are cool, intelligence IS a necessity, and breathing is a plus. As far as personality traits, though, it's all up in the air. Obvoiusly I'll have to date around and experiment, but in case you haven't picked it up already, I'm not exactly the most wanted cock on the block.
All in all, though, I can take it or leave it. As long as I've got cable to meet my human contact needs and a good right hand to fill my sexual needs, I'm set. Oh sure I'd LIKE to find the perfect chick, get married, and have 2.4 kids, but I'd also like to become dictator of the North American Economic Bloc, and I don't see that happening for at least another month or two.