April 12, 24 J.E.
You know, if I was God, things would be different around here. For one thing, I'd give photo ops to those who pleased me. I'd also have a Smite-O-Matic to carry out my wrath while I'm out golfing. Either that, or I'd buy lightning bolts in bulk because I'd do a lot of smiting. I'd also probably be immaculately impregnating chicks all over the place. That would make things confusing.
I'd also make some significant changes to human physiology. As a disclaimer, I AM a rabid Darwinist, and I suspect you probably are too, or else you wouldn't have made it past the openning paragraph (see my entry on religion for more details on my twisted theology). I'm not too fond of manufacturing or biology or chemistry anyway, so if I was God I'd probably just whip something up or maybe outsource the making of the universe to Lou Cypher Contractors, Inc. I'd concentrate more on marketing myself AFTER it was done, so that everybody would know exactly who I was and what I wanted from them. But if I WAS God, and I DID have a direct hand in the creation of worlds, then I would make a certain number of improvements.
First, what's with using the same orifice to eat and to breath? If that isn't a recipe for disaster, I don't know what is! Nature sure screwed that one up, I'll tell you that. I mean, it's good to have a secondary air intake in case you get a cold, but think of the problems this causes. The most obvious is that people tend to choke to death, and it's also impossible to really have a conversation over dinner. If I was running things, our food intake would be nearer to our stomachs, like on our chests, so we could eat and talk at the same time and Mr. Heimlich would be lost in the mists of obscurity.
Second, why in God's name are our sexual organs located in the same area as our waste outlets?? Why the hell do men use the VERY SAME appendage to screw AND piss (but not at the same time). In women's case, they're not the SAME hole, but very close. And you're ass is right there, too! Women can get infections from that little coincidence. What's the point? I think that you should shit and piss out of the SAME hole. That would save space. I also think that it would be easier if our sex organs were a little more accessible. Wouldn't it be cool if our sex organs were on our heads? Women could store the babies inside their skulls! Their heads would have to be bigger, of course, and we'd need to find another place to fit the brain...okay, so forget that idea. In any case, I would like to put the genitals a good distance away from the exretia orifi, but I'm having a tough time thinking of where I could put them and still keep the guy's nads protected. Maybe when nature calls our large intestine would distend to form a tube a few inches long and drop the turds that way. Hey, we wouldn't have to wipe any more!
I'd also get rid of the appendix. What a waste of time THAT is.
And what's the deal with this selective redundancy of organs? We've got two lungs and two kidneys in case we lose one, we've got WAY more intestine than we need, and we can afford to lose 70+% of our livers. But if we lose ONE LITTLE BIT heart, we're dead. I think we should get rid of some of those damn intestine and stick an extra heart in there. That would make more sense.
The current configuration of the head has always disturbed me. Talk about putting all of your eggs in one basket. Your brain and four of your five senses are centered in that one place, so if you lose you're head, the game is OVER. It's also a damn easy target. If I were running things, I'd put the brain right under the heart where it would be padded and just about impossible to damage. A second brain located in the pelvis wouldn't be a bad idea, either. As for the other senses, I'd spread them around. How about your ears on your sides and your taste on your chest (where your new mouth is). I reckon your eyes should stay on your now much-less-useful head so you can see as well as your speaking mouth so that your voice can carry. If I couldn't fiddle around too much with the body, I'd at LEAST make the skull (now located in the torso) double-hulled to give a bit more protection to the brain. I'd also make it out of titanium.
So the new and improved human, with a mouth in his/her chest, a brain between his/her two hearts, a distending, prehinsile asshole, and only the eyes and vocal outlet in the head is now ready to take on the world.
I'm not even go to address the behavioral changes I'd make, since I only have 4 megs of space left.
I'm gong to Hell for this one, I just know it, and YOU'RE coming with me.