KILL! KILL! KILL!
Sorry about that. I lost control for a moment.
For years now, since I was beginning undergrad, my evil mom has been prophecying the return of those icons of the 60's, BELL-BOTTOMS. This year, for the fist time in my life, I have actually seen them on people. Granted, this IS State College and not exactly a hotbed of global trend-seting, so they've probably been around other places since last year. But the question remains: WHY???
Of ALL the stupid twists and turns fashions have taken over the years, why are we returning to the ugliest and stupidest one in history? Except for those neck frills in the middle ages that got so big they couldn't even feed themselves...oh yeah, and those giant 6 foot tall hairdos that housed vermin... Come to think of it, there have been lots of stupider fashions, but that's beside the point!
How is it that something can become wildly popular, become distinctly unpopular, only to return a decade or two later even cooler than before? What is this retro shit? Wake up you stupid kids! Your PARENTS thought this was cool! Why don't you rebel or something for God's sake?
So far, I've only seen them on chicks, and they've only been a whisper of the truly obnoxious flairs from before I was born and the world turned cool. I will say this, though: under NO circumstances, be it threat to life, limb, or the possiblity of never scoring again, WILL I EVER wear bellbottoms as long as I live.
People may come to me and say, "Jeez, man, you're such a square," to which I'll reply, "Maybe, but at least I don't look like an idiot."
Bellbottoms are just the tip of the iceberg, though. If we open the door and make bellbottoms acceptable, what's next? Those hideous platform shoes? Those clashing ensambles that are designed to look bad? Horrible haircuts and deplorable hygene? A new plague of drugs? Rampant racial unrest? Political assassinations? Another drawn out and pointless struggle in some remote country in Indochina?
I say, STOP THE MADNESS! The 60's and 70's sucked! I can name the number of good things that came out of the 70's on my fingers, and besides me and Star Wars, I can't think of any. If we allow bellbottoms to take hold in this country, we will be plunged into another long night of violence, depravity, and generally lunacy that people will look back on with ultra-rosy glasses.
ILLEGALIZE BELLBOTTOMS!
