Saturday was a great step forward in my continuing quest to get action. Sure that was three days ago and you'd think that such a momentous evening would be on the site ten minutes after it happened, but HEY, I do SORT of have a life!
Don't you hate it when you're typing away and a word suddenly looks wrong? "Evening" looked like I had misspelled it, but I couldn't think of how it should have been spelled. It's a word I've typed at least a couple of times in my life, so I should know how to spell it. A critical synapse seems to have misfired, though, and for the life of me, no combination of letters looked right. So I checked Word's Spel Cheker and I was right the first time. Oh the brain is a mystery. But I, of course, digress.
So Saturday was pretty cool. I actually got up the nerve to hit on a really attractive chick in a shiny tank top. Actually, one of my friends bet me a dollar that I wouldn't. So I got a dollar, which was almost as good as getting actual action from the chick. Sadly, there is no happy ending of sweating bleating sex and smelly sticky bedsheets, but I made her laugh. My openning line? I said "I just want you to know that I love you."
Sue me. I was drunk.
I got her to laugh, though. Too bad she was frightened off by my throbbing manliness.
Remember how earlier I mentioned that I had bought a cigarette lighter for the sole purpose of lighting cigarettes chicks who asked me and I hadn't used it since I bought it TWO MONTHS ago? Well, it finally paid off in aces, or rather, fours, but at least it paid off a little bit. Somebody I sort of knew asked me for a light and I gave my lighter to him (the numbskull lit the filter) and then a chick asked HIM for a light. And it was the chick I HAD HIT ON! My lighter was about to lose its virginity in the hands of another man! The bastard! God was looking out for me, though, because, despite all odds, her cigarette went out and I got to light it for her. I still didn't score, but the irony of that would have killed me. I think I also lit another chicks cigarette, but she wasn't that cute anyway.
I DO have standards, you know. I just can't afford them.
But as with everything else in my life, I take one step forward, then a bunch of thugs beat me up and drag me back a mile. One of my married (with a kid) female friends hit on another friend, propositioning him for some dandy fun. Now she was hardly what I would call a 'ho (before last night anyway), but once again my faith in love and relationships was dealt a shattering blow.
There's nothing wrong with masturbation. You can't catch disease, there are no pesky relationships, and you don't have to change your sheets if you're reasonably careful. It's NATURAL, right? Sure it's a little pathetic if it's your sole sexual outlet, but dammit, I'll still be whittling my wood when your gonads have fallen off from a variety pack of diseases.
My schlong is kinda like a '73 Corvette. You keep it in the garage most of the time, occasionally running the engine to make sure it still works, but you try to limit the mileage to keep it in good shape. Sure it's bigger than it needs to be and it sucks a critical amount of blood from your brain when it gets going, but dammit, it feels damn good to say "I've got a 'vette in the garage". Of course, if EVERYBODY says they have a 'vette in the garage but have a Yugo instead. If there are social taboos against keeping your garage door open all the time so people can really see that you DO have a 'vette, people may assume that you're just another wanna be 'vette owner. But I DO have a 'vette with very little mileage, and when I do drive it, I only drive it safely. Unfortunately, right now I don't have anyplace worth driving to, even though I've been checking out the brochures. The last place I drove ended up being a tourist trap, so I'm a little hesitant to just drive it anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I like driving. I Like it a LOT. But it's a 'VETTE! You don't just drive it ANYWHERE!
There's no real deep philosphical message this time, but if you look REALLY hard you might find the secret to the universe. I just thought that the fanatical throngs of readers would be insanely interested in my ongoing quest to get a chick.