Someone, with the appropriate yet fictional initials of XXX asked me what my ideal sexual experience would involve. That set my brain afire with the possibilities it opened up for an entry. Prepare to be dazzled by the revelation of what I would consider a perfect sexual experience. Pay attention ladies! If your application for my harem is approved, you'll have to know this stuff.
First, there has to be a chick there with me. A HUMAN chick, pervert. She should also be breathing and concious. I would also prefer to have SOME kind of emotional tie to her, but if she's attractive enough, it become optional. Basically, the cuter she is, the less I have to like her. The combination of me liking her AND he being hot would be great, but not necessary. As a rule of thumb, I would have to feel indifferent about an average-looking chick for her to elegible.
I would also like to be free of the worry of accidental impregnation or disease, since such things tend to weigh heavily on my brain. Therefore, because the use of condoms tends to make any sexual experience FAR from perfect, I want to be sure I'm not plumbing in dangerous pipes. She shouldn't be a virgin, though, since my mighty Master has been known to give experienced chicks a hard time. She would have to have some minimal hygenic skills in any case. Specifically, she must not have breath that kills flies at 20 yards, more than two kinds of parasites, festering postules, or raging yeast infections.
I would also need all of my bodily functions taken care of before hand. That means an empty bladder, a vacuous colon, a full stomach, and a satisfied...uh...water gland. I want to be in perfect health, with no rashes, nasal drip, muscle cramps, fever, or bullet wounds.
The environment must also be adequate. The temperature must be comfortable and the surface upon which we are screwing must be free of broken glass, thumbtacks, nails, biting insects, staples, razor blades, knives, and other objects that may cause discomfort. Overall, I would prefer a bed, but virtually any other area would be okay as long as there was a reasonable level of privacy and the positioning was comfortable.
I must also not be on fire. Being bitten by animals during the act will also greatly reduce its level of perfection. The presence of any other males or relatives will also insure that the experience is far from ideal. Come to think of it, ANYONE else in the area would tend to distract me, even if it's another hot chick. Talk about adding pressure.
Now I don't know about other people, but any act will make me bleed will be distinctly unhelpful. I suppose I should also be sober, just so I can remember it the day after and brag about it.
That's about it. All of these things are necessary for the ideal sexual experience for me. I hope I'm not TOO hard to please.
Oh yeah, and it wouldn't hurt if the chick enjoyed herself, or at least faked it well.