And the Grinch was quite old
his Grinch skin was covered
with purple grinch mold
The Grinch once was nice
and cheerful and pleasant
He once dined with Whos
and gave the Whos presents
But was now an old grump
who lived in his cave
and thought grumpy thoughts
that were vile and depraved
This Grinch had a neighbor
in the cave right next door.
That neighbor was Looee,
But hold on, there's more!
Now that old grinch was nasty
and smelly and mean,
but was considered an angel
compared to the Marine.
Looee drank and he swore
and raised Hell half the night
and walked 'round in shirts
fifteen sizes too tight.
With no hair on his head
he looked grumpy and mean.
He just HAD to be heartless!
He was a Marine!
The Grinch despised Looee,
But the marine didn't mind.
The Grinch was quite weak-
Looee could kick his behind!
One the eve before Christmas
the Grinch began to grump
"Those Whos..." the Grinch thought
"are a pain in my rump.
"In my younger years
I would steal all their toys
and scare the Who girls
and kick the Who boys."
The Grinch thought to himself
"I'm too wrinkled and old
but that moron next door
will do just what he's told!"
So without further thought
the Grinch went outside
intent on going
where Looees reside.
He looked through the window
and skrunched up his nose
and saw his young neighbor
eating a pile of buritos.
That ol' grinch krept up
and he knocked on the door
and he pounded and yelled
till his grinch voice was sore
but Looees are deaf
and besides, when they're eating
only leave the table
to dish out a beating.
But Looee's door was open
so the Grinch walked right in
and faced the great Looee
toe to toe, chin to chin.
"I need your help, Looee"
the old Grinch began
"I have a small problem.
The shit's hit the fan!"
The Looee laughed loud
and said "I have just one rule-
if you interrupt my supper
THEN I PITY YOU, FOOL!!!!!"
But that Grinch was quite smart
and started to flatter
"My dear Looee" he started
"What ever's the matter?
I was only looking
for someone that's strong...
I thought that was you,
but it looks like I'm wrong...
If you won't help me Looee,
I can manage alone.
Besides, you're not as big
as you sound on the phone
I might be quite old,
but I'm still plenty tough-
Still, I'd rather have someone
who so ripped and so buff."
Looee lept from the table
and chucked his cold dinner
and said "Grinch, look no further-
'ol Looee's the winner!
You're shaped like a blob
and you smell like a pig;
your arms are quite puny,
your ass is great big!
I can scare any bad guy!
They'll cower! They'll shake!
They'll tell all their buddies
I'm one huge BEEFCAKE!!!!
I can do ANY job"
the young Marine said.
"And I'll do it so fast,
it'll spin your Grinch head!"
The Grinch only smiled
and said "is that so..."
For he knew that all Marines
have a king sized ego.
The Grinch walked to Looee
and whispered something in his ear
Looee said "YOU BETTER NOT BE GAY!!!"
The Grinch said "Never fear..."
As the evening progressed
the young Looee learned
that the Whos down in Whoville
must be pillaged and burned.
"You want me to do WHAT?!?!?"
Looee said, quite in shock.
The Grinch said "But you're MEAN,
and your heart's like a rock.
Those Whos down below
need to be taught a lesson.
They need to know who
they aught NOT to be messin'
I thought you Marines
were made from sterner stuff!
Why, I always thought that Looee
was Helluva tough!"
The Grinch was quite clever
but he forgot one big thing:
that Looee could put
his Grinch ass in a sling.
The Looee stood up
standing Seven foot four
cuz when marines get pissed off
they grow 'bout a foot or more
"YOU'VE MADE ME UPSET
SO YOU'D BETTER LEAVE FAST,
OR YOU'LL LOOK AWFUL FUNNY
WITH MY BOOT UP YOUR ASS!!!!"
The Grinch gasped! The Grinch stammered!
He thought "How could this be?
I thought that old Looee
was even meaner than me!"
But that thought was cut short
as one hand grasped his neck
and a second one squeezed
his Grinch nuts to a wreck
And that mean old Grinch
was lifted high in the air
and was thrown 'bout six miles-
landed I don't know where.
From his home above Whoville
the Looee did shout
"I might LOOK big and mean,
when I throw your ass out
but today it is Christmas!
Pillaging and plundering are bad!
I would only do that
on the streets of Baghdad!
Since those people are Whos
and are not evil commies
I'll spare the Who daddies
and all the Who mommies
And all the Who kiddies
and instead whup your ass.
For you see, I'm not mean,
I just have lots of class!"
So the Looee sat down
and continued his meal
certain that the Grinch
would have bruises to feel.
And as the Grinch lay broken,
dazed and bleeding in the snow,
He, He himself,
The Looee ate his burito.
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