ACT I
Scene 3
CAST
Jasonnicus
Zeus
Chorus
Loyal Follower 1
Loyal Follower 2
The Hot chick
Empty stage; Chorus enters
Chorus: Behold the continuing tragedy of Jasonnicus! He has been blessed with the genitalia of a god, and yet it is those same gods who conspire against him to prevent him from ever using it. He has travelled long and far to find the cause of this curse, and so far has not found an answer. Listen now, as the truth is revealed.
Jasonnicus and The Hot Chick enter
Hot Chick: Oh, Jasonnicus the Heroic!
Jasonnicus: Greetings, Hot Chick.
Hot Chick: Thou art great and wise, and the legend of your mighty penis stretches far and wide.
Jasonnicus: Really? I mean, of course it does, for it is well deserved.
Hot Chick: If only I were worthy to be done by you!
Jasonnicus: Well, I guess there's no harm in occasionally cavorting with a mortal.
Hot Chick: Oh joy! Were I to be sent to Hades this very moment my heart would be joyous for eternity.
Jasonnicus: Your joy now is but a shadow of the joy you'll have in about two seconds.
The Hot Chick leaves; Zeus enters
Jasonnicus: What in the name of Cerberus's balls is going on?
Zeus: Silence, mortal man! I am Zeus, the ruler of the gods and lord of Olympus!
Jasonnicus: I was about to score with the Hot Chick!
Zeus: Whatever scoring you may have done would be in your mind only, since this is but a dream. Besides, my message is more important than any phantasmal fuckfest.
Jasonnicus: To what do I owe this dubious honor?
Zeus: I have come to scoff and chortle at thee!
Jasonnicus: Gee whiz, you came all that way for little me?
Zeus: I have come to tell you that I am the cause of your celibacy! I am the one who laid that curse upon you!
Chorus: At last, the truth is revealed! Jasonnicus finally knows the source of his curse!
Jasonnicus: You bastard! If you were not a god, I would slay thee!
Zeus: Do you know why I have done this?
Jasonnicus: Because you're a dick?
Zeus: No, because I hate you. You dare to compare your wiener to that of mine!
Jasonnicus: No I don't. I say it's bigger.
Zeus: Blasphemer!
Jasonnicus: I only began that once Hera told me.
Zeus: You dare to do the wife of Zeus?
Jasonnicus: Hey, she came to me. And besides, you don't have any problem dirtying your divine penis on mortal love-holes.
Zeus: You have sealed your fate, mortal! I was planning on lifting the curse once you have grovelled and shown the proper respect, but now you shall die celibate!
Jasonnicus: You are such a dick, Zeus.
Zeus You're a dick.
Jasonnicus: You're a dick.
Zeus: You're a dick.
Jasonnicus: You're a dick.
Zeus: You're a dick.
Jasonnicus: You're a dick.
Chorus: The mighty Zeus pauses. What shall be his next move? A bolt of lightning? A stunning insult?
Zeus: You're a dick.
Jasonnicus: You're a dick.
Zeus: You're the most annoying dick in Greece.
Jasonnicus: You're the most annoying dick in the universe.
Zeus: I should smite the now, but I believe that a life with no sex is more painful than death. Nevertheless, I am an honorable god.
Jasonnicus: Since when?
Zeus: If you can find the golden sheepskin and bring it to me, I shall lift your curse. aside He shall never find the skin, but his struggles will make his life even worse.
Jasonnicus: Very well, I shall find the skin quicker than you're done with sex.
Zeus: I shall be waiting. Zeus leaves.
Chorus:Finally the truth is known and the quest is afoot! It is time for this dream to end.
Jasonnicus: Didn't I kill you in Scene 1?
Chorus: This is a dream sequence. We're allowed. Time to awaken! Chorus exits; Loyal Followers 1 & 2 enter
Loyal Follower 1: Hail Jasonnicus! You have awoken!
Jasonnicus: Indeed, a most fortuitous dream came upon me. I was about to do it with a really hot chick. And there was some stuff about a golden sheepskin, too.
Loyal Follower 2: The legendary golden sheepskin? Is that what we must find?
Jasonnicus: I guess.
Loyal Follower 1: We shall need a mighty ship! I saw one for sale called the Maibee.
Jasonnicus: Jasonnicus and the Maibeenauts? I don't think so.
Loyal Follower 2: I saw one called the Manhandler!
Jasonnicus: We shall worry about ship names later. Now it is time to prepare. Come Loyal Followers! There is much to do!
Jasonnicus and Loyal Followers 1 & 2 exit;