ACT II
Scene 1
CAST
Jasonnicus
First Mate
Sailor 1
Sailor 2
Scribe
Aboard a great ship, Bunchov, sailing across the seas.
First Mate and Sailor 1 enter
Sailor 1: First Mate! There is grave danger afoot!
First Mate: What is it, Sailor 1? What horrors are upon us so early into our voyage?
Sailor 1: A great serpent is attacking the mighty Jasonnicus!
Jasonnicus enters.
Jasonnicus: I was taking a piss, you idiot.
Sailor 1: Indeed? My apologies, master.
First Mate: My shift is almost over. You should go below decks and get oiled up.
Sailor 1: Yes, sir!
Sailor 1 leaves.
Jasonnicus: Ah, First Mate, but what is that thin line on the horizon, as black and as bumpy as the hemorroids on Zeus's puckered ass? Why, that is the last of what we shall see our home. Yes, behind us lies Greece, with our families, our jobs, and all that we know. Ahead of us is the great expanse of the Mediterranean, with its limitless perils and dangers. And yet, we forge ahead unafraid of what lies before us! No matter how it takes, we shall find the golden sheep skin!
First Mate: Didn't you tell us we were just going to Crete to pick up some chicks?
Jasonnicus: Believe me, loyal First Mate, when we are through, chicks will flock to us. There will be as many women as there are grains of sand on the beach, (aside) especially for me, once Zeus has lifted this curse of celibacy from my divine genitals.
Sailor 2 enters
Sailor 2: That reminds me, sir. I have a message for you that I had forgotten until now to relay to you.
Jasonnicus: Then out with it, man. Time is precious.
Sailor 2: Upon hearing of your plans to depart, the Vestal Virigns downtown wished to throw you a going away orgy, so that they may get to know your mighty schlong before it disappears over the horizon.
Jasonnicus: First mate?
First Mate:Yes sir?
Jasonnicus: Kill Sailor 2 and throw him overboard.
First Mate:Yes sir.
First Mate kills Sailor 2 and throws him overboard.
Jasonnicus: Well, that is one less mouth to feed.
First Mate: I see from the position of the sun in the sky that it almost time for the Second Mate to take over as your assistant. I have an...appointment with Sailor 1 down below.
Jasonnicus: Be off then, and fetch the Scribe. I feel like dictating my chronicles.
First Mate: Very well.
First Mate leaves.
Jasonnicus: Fuckin' Greeks.
Scribe enters.
Jasonnicus: Hail, learned Scribe. You shall be the one who shall record this epic journey for posterity.
Scribe: Yes, sir. My pen eagerly awaits your words.
Jasonnicus: Then write! Day One! We left port, heading west, and Sailor 2, born without a brain, died.
Scribe: Is that all, sir?
Jasonnicus: Well, it is only the first day.
Scribe: Should we not embellish?
Jasonnicus: Indeed. Throw in me wrestling with a cyclops.
Scribe: There is certainly truth to that, although we should have it take place somewhere else than in your private quarters.
Jasonnicus: Forget the cyclops. The quest is young. There shall be ample adventures ahead of us. We would not want you to run out of paper so soon.
Scribe: Might I ask, sir, why did you choose the Bunchov as your vessel?
Jasonnicus: It is a good, strong ship at a good price. It was used mostly to travel to Rhodes and back, so there is little wear and tear. Besides, it was the best-named ship on the dock.
Scribe: What other choices were there?
Jasonnicus: I could have bought a ship called the Shurassunk, the Manhandler, or the Sissy Boy Special. Some were not as obvious, but no less humiliating, such as the Kikinthe.
Scribe:What is wrong with that name?
Jasonnicus: Jasonnicus and the Kikinthenauts? I don't think so.
Scribe: I see.
Jasonnicus: But after much searching, I saw this mighty ship with its adequate crew, and I knew it was the proper ship to pull my schlong into legend. It shall be the Epic of Jasonnicus and the Bunchovna-- Son of a bitch.
