SO yesterday I was talking to my Internet 'Ho as often happens when I'm too dumb to not answer the phone. This was a particularly weighty conversation, since I had not spoken to her for 2 joyous weeks while she was cavorting in her hometown over the holidays. We also had a bet. She was hopelessly hot for some guy who was mysteriously failing to put out. We'll call him "Bob". We had bet that she would not be able to know him carnally before the New Year. I forget what she would get if she won, since I knew she wouldn't, but I demanded a paid professional escort to break my dry sexless streak.
Now previously, my Internet 'Ho had tried everything short of clubbing him into unconciousness to get him to put out. She even did some things that would constitute rape if the gender roles were reversed. Yet, poor Bob would not succumb to her violent attempts to have her way. That was over Thanksgiving.
Over the holidays, she chose to change her strategy from the direct approach to subterfuge. She began doing such uncharacteristic things such as kissing and cuddling and such. I was shocked that she would be willing to step so far out of character. Still, though, in spite of nearly a week of sleeping together, all they did was sleep. Keep in mind that this is in the middle of a nearly three-month sexless period for her (God knows she never lets me forget with her incessant bitching about it, although if she expects sympathy from me she'd have better luck squeezing petroleum from a turnip).
The appalling irony of all this is the incredible role reversal of it all. Here she is, a chick, and all she's interested in is getting in his pants. For his part, Bob is looking for a relationship. I tried to explain this to my Internet 'Ho, but I think I'd have an easier time explaining Beethoven's 5th to Helen Keller.
There might be hope for her, though. Apparantly, in spite of all of her bravado, she's after a little more than some deep dickin'. She had the easy opportunity to break her mini-drought in the form of some barely pubescent sex-fiend with hardcore babyjuice on the brain (we'll call him "Rob"). Nevertheless, in spite of considering doing him before, the Internet 'Ho changed her mind and spurned Rob's advances in favor of Bob who still was showing no signs of cracking.
Kinda masochistic, ain't it?
In summation, she's bitching about not getting sex, but will not go for the sure thing and is instead hooked on a guy who lives four hours away and won't put out until he's sure he's in a loving relationship. The catch is that the dear 'Ho understands relationships about as well as a trout does MS-DOS. Hell, she makes me look sage and wizened in comparison. I tried to explain it all to her, but it's hopeless. I blame the total lack of any stable parental figures in her life.
I advised her the best I could, and seeing as everything I've advised her on so far has been dead-on accurate, she would be wise follow my word for once. I'm so smart, it kills me.
