Marx had one. The friggin' Unabomber had one. Every half-wit liberal arts major with more free time than brain cells and an axe to grind has one. I need one.
That's right kids, it's time for:
This document contains several inherent truths and simple facts that only a complete moron or an appallingly deluded dimwit would dare contest.
TRUTH 1: People suck. People have always sucked. People will always suck. Even the brightest, shiniest, virtue-laden paragon of perfection has their sucky moments, and most people just wallow in their suck sties and consume all the suckiness they can stomach from the communal suck trough.
TRUTH 2: The world sucks. Sure, it doesn't suck as badly as, say, Mercury or Pluto or Venus, but it still sucks. It was kind enough to place itself within an orbit that allows life, but doesn't go out of its way to dodge asteroids or prevent ice ages. It's like it doesn't even care.
TRUTH 3: Nature sucks. Small things are eaten by big things and the smallest things prey on them all. It's massive carnage on a global scale as every organism claws its way into genetic immortality at the expense of the weak.
TRUTH 4: Life sucks. You're born, you breed (if you're lucky), and you die. Then they invented taxes, and those suck too. Life is full of pain and struggle, and no matter how lucky or healthy you are, you still die.
TRUTH 5: Love sucks. "But isn't sucking the point?" the moron in the back hollers. Not that kind of sucking, dickhead. Love is 70% biological self-manipulation adn 30% self-delusion. It's an evil dirty trick to get us to reproduce in spite of ourselves and to keep us from killing our offspring, no matter how irritating they are.
TRUTH 6: The element of Suckonium (SK on the unabridged Periodic Table) is the most common naturally occuring element in the universe. Suckonium is completely inert. It will not bond with other elements, and its properties do not change. Suckonium is found everywhere, but in uneven distributions. Jerks have very high levels of Suckonium, and so does France.
CONCLUSION: There is no such thing as gravity. Everything sucks.
I crack myself up.
