Scene 2

CAST

Jasonnicus

First Mate

Sailor 1

Sailor 3

Scribe

Captain of the Futtbucker

Sailor on the Futtbucker

Aboard the Bunchov, Jasonnicus and his Scribe stand on the bow.

Jasonnicus: Read that last part back to me, learned Scribe.

Scribe: “And so Jasonnicus did proceed to lay a mighty kicking of ass upon the helpless Zeus, repaying him for all of the discomfort the curse of Zeus had caused him.”

Jasonnicus: Canst thou perhaps make those phrases sound more pleasing to the ears?

Scribe: Of course, master. But I’ll take care of that on the second draft.

Jasonnicus: Excellent Let us continue. Once seeing Zeus defeated, Aries desired to taste my fists, so I—“

Sailor 1 Enters.

Sailor 1: I do beg your pardon, mighty Jasonnicus, but we have sighted another vessel upon these seas.

Jasonnicus: Bring us in close, then. They may have news of the goal of our quest. Ahoy to thee! What name dost thy ship carry on its prow?

Sailor on the Futtbucker enters

Sailor: We are the mighty Futtbucker, scourge of the backwaters and prosperous trader of dry goods. Of what ship are thee?

Jasonnicus: I am the mighty Jasonnicus, and I command the Bunchov!

Sailor: By the gods! Jasonnicus and the Bunchovnauts! Indeed, we are blessed to grace the same blue waters as they famous vessel!

Jasonnicus: Thy flattery dost taste like honey to my ears, but I desire to speak to they captain. Fetch him at once!

Sailor: Yes sir!

Sailor of the Futtbucker leaves.

Jasonnicus: Sailor 1, fetch me the First Mate at once.

Sailor 1: Yes, sir!

Sailor 1 leaves. Captain of the Futtbucker enters.

Captain: Hail to thee, Jasonnicus! Your boat is the most famous for the glory of its name, for the courage of its captain, and for the perfect curvature of the buttocks of its crew.

Jasonnicus: (To Scribe) What is it with these Greeks?

Scribe: I know not, sire, but the silver lining of this cloud is obvious. Any woman who may come aboard is yours and yours alone.

Jasonnicus: A cold comfort indeed. I grow tired of sleeping on my back all the time, and dropped soap I have feared to retrieve litters the bottom of my bath. (To Captain) Hail to thee, Captain of the Futtbucker. We have been out on this sea many years—

Scribe: Since last Tuesday, sire.

Jasonnicus: And we have heard little word form the land. What news have you?

Captain: Indeed, much has come to pass. The great city of Troy is under siege of the Greeks. The son of King Priam, Paris, has stolen the wife of King Menalaus, the brother of King Aganemnon. The war has already swallowed the lives of many heroes, including Achilles and Hector! We have just come from there in a delivery of sheepskin for the soldiers and the view is dire.

Jasonnicus: Indeed? Sheepskin?

Captain: Sadly, my lord, none that begin to clothe your vast genital acreage.

The First Mate and Sailor 3 enter.

First Mate: Hark! What is it that my ears have plucked from the wind? Achilles has fallen? Oh horror! He will be so missed, for his touch was so tender and his smell so sweet.

Sailor 3: You told me not of your dealings with Achilles! Pray, who else art thou oiling when I am on watch?

Jasonnicus: Silence!

Scribe: Mighty Jasonnicus, this battle may be your first step to glory. If thou should happen to strike down the Trojans, then the reward will be great.

Jasonnicus: Captain of the Futtbucker, is Aganemnon I need of a great warrior?

Captain: Indeed, mighty Jasonnicus! I heard Aganemnon himself say that the reward for he who can breech the Trojan walls will be beyond imagining.

Jasonnicus: Methinks that Aganemnon speaks of tall tails. My imaginings can cover vistas far greater than that of a normal man!

Scribe: ‘Tis true! ‘Tis my job to chronicle his adventures, and believe me, I have nary seen a better imagination.

Captain: In any case, noble Jasonnicus, the reward will be great! Perhaps out of gratitude he may let you spend a night with Helen. She is said to be the most beautiful woman this side of Rome. I know not, since I could little tell a beautiful woman from a bucket chicken gizzards.

Jasonnicus: I thank thee, Captain of the Futtbucker, for it is to Troy we shall journey!

Captain: The pleasure was mine! I look forward to hearing word of your victory!

The Captain leaves.

Jasonnicus: Sailor 3, to the helm! First Mate, gather the men! Set sail for Troy!

First Mate: Master, I have a matter upon which I wish to speak with you.

Jasonnicus: What is it that vexes they mind and keeps you from following my orders with gleeful haste?

First Mate: Well, sir, I have been talking to the men and…well…

Sailor 3: Tell him, sweetie.

First Mate: Well, sir, the men don’t care for being called “Sailors”. They would much rather be called “Seamen.”

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