April 18, 26 J.E.
This is a special report
from the National Rant Warning Service. A major rant has been sighted in the northeast
and is heading rapidly toward Youville. This rant has been reported to have
strong opinions and a stream of thought clocked at 126 miles per hour. There
have been reports of damage to narrow worldviews and unstable minds. If you are
not what people would describe as “open minded”, place the boards back on your
cognitive windows, close your eyes, and go to some other website.
SO there I was, at work,
when a new revelation struck me like a lawn dart to the skull. I had briefly ranted before
about how Presidents and other leaders are largely chosen on the basis of their
physical presence rather than any kind of ideological affiliation (proof: the
winning candidates are usually the tallest ones). Then I realized something
else. When you look around, most middle-aged or older men are bald or balding.
Sure, all of the Hollywood stars have their wigs, toupees, and hair
transplants, but your average joe is a bit of a chrome dome. They also have
spare tires.
Why, then, have we had
VERY few bald presidents? I thought back, and I’ll be damned if I could think
of more than a few who had failed to give their luxurious manes reason to stay
attached to their heads. Eisenhower is the only truly aerodynamic
commander-in-chief I can think of, except for Van Buren, but he was a
one-termer anyway. Sure, Nixon was showing a few shiny spots, but he still had
some cranial fur. You’ll also notice that they were all in pretty good shape.
Taft was the only really fat ass we had, and that was back when it was good to
be fat. I have no stats, but I would bet good money that the baldness rate of
the Congress is far lower than the national average, too. Of course, a lot of
them are probably faking it. The point is, we still insist on voting for leaders who show
signs of physical youth and vigor. Hell, Clinton’s dalliances are probably a subconscious
plus.
That brings me to that common
lament that old chicks are discriminated against. Men become distinguished, the
maxim goes, while chicks just become broads. That WOULD be true, if all men
kept their hair and stayed strong and muscular. Women call US shallow! HA!
Receding hairline is the male equivalent of sagging boobs (of course, some old
guys actually DO develop sagging boobs), and a big gut is the same as a big
ass, only more life threatening. The guy who stays in shape and keeps his hair
is distinguished, just like the chick who retains her signs of youth. The fat
bald slob in front of the television is typical, just like the obese sagging
broad.
50 year-old Sigourney Weaver sure has held up. Woo-hoo!