As anyone who knows me would undoubtedly tell you, I'm constantly scheming to reign as supreme dictator of the North American Economic Bloc. Sure, they think it's the delusional ravings of a madman who cracked his skull when he was four, but I say it's destiny. Won't they be surprised when I take control and use my near omnipotence to send them a jeering form letter on my own letterhead. "Dear Dumbass," it will begin. I'll let my speechwriters fill in the middle. I'll sign it, "Yours Truly, Jason H. Hall, the Supreme Dictator of the North American Economic Bloc".
The problem is my name. I figure that if I'm going to rise to dizzying heights of power and have an entire chapter devoted to me in the history books, I'm going to need a much cooler name. It's not my first name that's the problem. Jason is a perfectly cool name, used with Jason and the Argonauts and such. Besides, we need a famous person named Jason.
It's my last name. "Hall." Doesn't exactly fill one with awe, does it? The real problem, though, is the fact that it doesn't lend itself readily to the names of monuments. Can you picture "The Hall Memorial"? "Hall Boulevard"? What will they name the buildings the universities build in my honor? "Hall Hall?" No, I don't think so.
It's actually really hard to come up with a new name. It has to be cool and unique without being lame. Anything with two O's is right out, like Hoover and Roosevelt. That just sounds weak. It can't be too common, and it also can't be taken by some other notable figure, like Jefferson or Wilson, or Dahmer. The name has to also portray strength without sounding overpowering. I considered the name "Power" or "Strong", but those seemed a little too obvious.
I decided to borrow the strategy of that hero of the people, Josef Stalin. After all, his name means "Man of Steel." Therefore, when I'm dictator, my last name will be "Steele". I haven't decided if I'm going to slaughter 30 million of my own people through forced labor or mass executions like Stalin did. I guess I'll work that out in committee.
Yep, my new name will be Jason D. Steele. I think that works. People will associate me with one of the most versatile and strongest metals around. People will say, "What's this septic tank made of?", the guy will answer, "Steel,", and they'll both think of me. I'll also decree that the Pittsburgh Steelers will win every Superbowl as long as I am in power. It's all about product placement.
"But wait," you ask, "there's a 'D' in there, too! What's the 'D' stand for?"
Danger is my middle name.
Supreme dictatorial power, AND a sense of humor! What more could you ask from an autocrat?
